"Farewells can be shattering, but returns are surely worse. Solid flesh can never live up to the bright shadow cast by its absence. Time and distance blur the edges; then suddenly the beloved has arrived, and it's noon with its merciless light, and every spot and pore and wrinkle and bristle stands clear."
//Margaret Atwood; Der blinde Mörder (The Blind Assassin)
There must be a reason; that even after I've put it down, closed the door and moved forward, that you would reappear in such a strange and dramatic manner. So much so, that surely it cannot be sheer coincidence, surely it cannot be a mere chancing upon; there has to be some explanation. And maybe in some ways, it was a test; a test to see how firm my footing really is, to check to see if anything of you could still make my heart twist. I thought about it for a night and a half and this morning I filled in the blanks. It really doesn't matter anymore whether everything that we did and you told me was black and white, truth and no greys. It really doesn't matter what you say or do or put in full view of everyone else. Hand on my heart, I've given it over and it doesn't hurt anymore. If I should know the reason, perhaps one day I will be shown the way to it. If not, I'm done searching. After all, you were the one who taught me not to ask for reasons, explanations or anything in between because when things change, nothing else cuts it anymore.
Still, in all this, I'm thankful that you've showed me the weaknesses in myself and the things I need to change. And I'm even more grateful that your coming and going showed me who the people who truly cared for me are. I won't make the mistake of shying away from whatever comes my way after this. I just need to remember who deserves first place in my life.
"Farewells can be shattering, but returns are surely worse. Solid flesh can never live up to the bright shadow cast by its absence. Time and distance blur the edges; then suddenly the beloved has arrived, and it's noon with its merciless light, and every spot and pore and wrinkle and bristle stands clear."
//Margaret Atwood; Der blinde Mörder (The Blind Assassin)
There must be a reason; that even after I've put it down, closed the door and moved forward, that you would reappear in such a strange and dramatic manner. So much so, that surely it cannot be sheer coincidence, surely it cannot be a mere chancing upon; there has to be some explanation. And maybe in some ways, it was a test; a test to see how firm my footing really is, to check to see if anything of you could still make my heart twist. I thought about it for a night and a half and this morning I filled in the blanks. It really doesn't matter anymore whether everything that we did and you told me was black and white, truth and no greys. It really doesn't matter what you say or do or put in full view of everyone else. Hand on my heart, I've given it over and it doesn't hurt anymore. If I should know the reason, perhaps one day I will be shown the way to it. If not, I'm done searching. After all, you were the one who taught me not to ask for reasons, explanations or anything in between because when things change, nothing else cuts it anymore.
Still, in all this, I'm thankful that you've showed me the weaknesses in myself and the things I need to change. And I'm even more grateful that your coming and going showed me who the people who truly cared for me are. I won't make the mistake of shying away from whatever comes my way after this. I just need to remember who deserves first place in my life.
