"We are often running on fumes, spiritually, but we must know where the fuel station is, and even more important, that it exists. After trying all kinds of other things, Christians have learned that the worship of God with the whole heart is in the assurance of his love through the work of Jesus Christ is the thing their souls were meant to "run on". That is what gets all the heart's cylinders to fire. If this is not understood, then we will not have the resources to be good spouses. If we look to our spouses to fill up our tanks in a way that only God can do, we are demanding an impossibility." //Timothy Keller; The Meaning of Marriage This has been a really hectic two weeks for us. He's been busy with deadlines, going to Malaysia then to Hong Kong and his company's d&d. I've been busy with flying to Shanghai. And in the midst of all this busyness, we've been really snappy with each other. And I've really been struggling with how to cope with his new hectic work and study schedule, with how to give love and affection and understanding even when I feel like I am not getting any from him. For some reason, it feels like I've been in this bind for a long time. Where I try my hardest to be loving and understanding and tell him that it's okay that we don't get to spend any time together, but later my emotions overcome me and I get really needy and irritated with him and I show it in my texts to him. And he gets really stressed and overwhelmed by all the demands made on him. Then we end up being really hurt and angry and disappointed with each other. And it feels like a cycle that has been repeating itself ever since he got into his new job. When I was in Shanghai, I think we hit a low point where we stopped trying to reach out to each other. He said to give him time and space, so I did. But I was really bothered about how to deal with it all and when we would eventually get to talk about it. To take my mind off things, I picked up Timothy Keller's book on marriage and started going through it. And by God's grace, I came to this particular chapter which was talking about the power that we need in a marriage. Amazingly, everything in that chapter spoke deeply to me about our current situation. Through the book, God taught me three important principles:- (1) My ability to give love and understanding and affection does not come from my partner, but it comes from God alone; (2) The purpose of a marriage is to learn to submit - that is, to consider and count the interests of my partner as more important than my own; and (3) The thing that prevents me from submitting is my own self-centredness and that is the root of every problem in a relationship. In a moment, I think the knot that was in my heart just undid itself and I understood what God wanted me to do. He wanted me to stop focusing on what man could do for me but to focus on God's love and affection for me. That once I understood the work of the Holy Spirit in my life, I would be filled with enough strength and grace to continue loving and caring for him in our relationship. Once I put my focus on the right person then it no longer mattered whether I felt my love and affection was being reciprocated or if I felt I was getting the amount of love and attention that I needed. Because God had freely given to me His love, I could also freely give love. I did not have to keep records or accounts of how much I had received before I could give. And I think that's been the single most liberating rhema word I've gotten from God since we've gotten into this bind. The road ahead is not easy, we still have many things to discuss and work through. But at least now my heart is in the right place. My God is all sufficient for me. And in Him, I have all the strength and grace I need to love, understand and support. So come what may, I know who is the One who sustains us and I am not afraid any longer.
"The reason that marriage is so painful and yet wonderful is because it is a reflection of the gospel, which is painful and wonderful at once. The gospel is this: we are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared believe, yet at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope. This is the only kind of relationship that will ever transform us. Love without truth is sentimentality; it supports and affirms us, but keeps us in denial about our flaws. Truth without love is harshness; it gives us information but in such a way that we cannot really hear it. God's saving love in Christ, however, is marked by both radical truthfulness about who we are and yet also radical, unconditional commitment to us." //Timothy Keller; The Meaning of Marriage So the intense HTHT we had last week got me thinking more deeply. Do I really know what marriage is all about? At the cusp of our 20th monthesary, I wonder to myself, have we truly gone past the honeymoon period which we thought would never end, and come face to face with the fact that sometimes, love is hard. Harder than I thought it would be. But why shouldn't it be so? If we are flawed beings who live life selfishly, why would falling in love with each other suddenly turn us into saints overnight? And I suppose that's what I'm learning over and over again. That love and ultimately, marriage was never meant to be something easy. That commitment is something you work at, try over and over again, fall down and get up again. Saying that I love you for who you are is the easiest thing to do ever, but living it out daily is a totally different matter. Sometimes it means dying to my selfish desires, sometimes it means challenging you to change, sometimes it means mutual sacrifice for us both. But I stand on one thing, and that is that the one who has brought us together will be faithful to bring us through. So I do not give up, I do not give in. For what Paul calls the "profound mystery", I am only now beginning to see and understand just a bit of what he means. So if God has said not now, I trust that he has more timely plans for me in this season. And so I say, okay then hold my heart in your hands until you are ready to give it over. you are my all in all.
I believe.
"We are often running on fumes, spiritually, but we must know where the fuel station is, and even more important, that it exists. After trying all kinds of other things, Christians have learned that the worship of God with the whole heart is in the assurance of his love through the work of Jesus Christ is the thing their souls were meant to "run on". That is what gets all the heart's cylinders to fire. If this is not understood, then we will not have the resources to be good spouses. If we look to our spouses to fill up our tanks in a way that only God can do, we are demanding an impossibility." //Timothy Keller; The Meaning of Marriage This has been a really hectic two weeks for us. He's been busy with deadlines, going to Malaysia then to Hong Kong and his company's d&d. I've been busy with flying to Shanghai. And in the midst of all this busyness, we've been really snappy with each other. And I've really been struggling with how to cope with his new hectic work and study schedule, with how to give love and affection and understanding even when I feel like I am not getting any from him. For some reason, it feels like I've been in this bind for a long time. Where I try my hardest to be loving and understanding and tell him that it's okay that we don't get to spend any time together, but later my emotions overcome me and I get really needy and irritated with him and I show it in my texts to him. And he gets really stressed and overwhelmed by all the demands made on him. Then we end up being really hurt and angry and disappointed with each other. And it feels like a cycle that has been repeating itself ever since he got into his new job. When I was in Shanghai, I think we hit a low point where we stopped trying to reach out to each other. He said to give him time and space, so I did. But I was really bothered about how to deal with it all and when we would eventually get to talk about it. To take my mind off things, I picked up Timothy Keller's book on marriage and started going through it. And by God's grace, I came to this particular chapter which was talking about the power that we need in a marriage. Amazingly, everything in that chapter spoke deeply to me about our current situation. Through the book, God taught me three important principles:- (1) My ability to give love and understanding and affection does not come from my partner, but it comes from God alone; (2) The purpose of a marriage is to learn to submit - that is, to consider and count the interests of my partner as more important than my own; and (3) The thing that prevents me from submitting is my own self-centredness and that is the root of every problem in a relationship. In a moment, I think the knot that was in my heart just undid itself and I understood what God wanted me to do. He wanted me to stop focusing on what man could do for me but to focus on God's love and affection for me. That once I understood the work of the Holy Spirit in my life, I would be filled with enough strength and grace to continue loving and caring for him in our relationship. Once I put my focus on the right person then it no longer mattered whether I felt my love and affection was being reciprocated or if I felt I was getting the amount of love and attention that I needed. Because God had freely given to me His love, I could also freely give love. I did not have to keep records or accounts of how much I had received before I could give. And I think that's been the single most liberating rhema word I've gotten from God since we've gotten into this bind. The road ahead is not easy, we still have many things to discuss and work through. But at least now my heart is in the right place. My God is all sufficient for me. And in Him, I have all the strength and grace I need to love, understand and support. So come what may, I know who is the One who sustains us and I am not afraid any longer.
"The reason that marriage is so painful and yet wonderful is because it is a reflection of the gospel, which is painful and wonderful at once. The gospel is this: we are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared believe, yet at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope. This is the only kind of relationship that will ever transform us. Love without truth is sentimentality; it supports and affirms us, but keeps us in denial about our flaws. Truth without love is harshness; it gives us information but in such a way that we cannot really hear it. God's saving love in Christ, however, is marked by both radical truthfulness about who we are and yet also radical, unconditional commitment to us." //Timothy Keller; The Meaning of Marriage So the intense HTHT we had last week got me thinking more deeply. Do I really know what marriage is all about? At the cusp of our 20th monthesary, I wonder to myself, have we truly gone past the honeymoon period which we thought would never end, and come face to face with the fact that sometimes, love is hard. Harder than I thought it would be. But why shouldn't it be so? If we are flawed beings who live life selfishly, why would falling in love with each other suddenly turn us into saints overnight? And I suppose that's what I'm learning over and over again. That love and ultimately, marriage was never meant to be something easy. That commitment is something you work at, try over and over again, fall down and get up again. Saying that I love you for who you are is the easiest thing to do ever, but living it out daily is a totally different matter. Sometimes it means dying to my selfish desires, sometimes it means challenging you to change, sometimes it means mutual sacrifice for us both. But I stand on one thing, and that is that the one who has brought us together will be faithful to bring us through. So I do not give up, I do not give in. For what Paul calls the "profound mystery", I am only now beginning to see and understand just a bit of what he means. So if God has said not now, I trust that he has more timely plans for me in this season. And so I say, okay then hold my heart in your hands until you are ready to give it over. you are my all in all.
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