"Farewells can be shattering, but returns are surely worse. Solid flesh can never live up to the bright shadow cast by its absence. Time and distance blur the edges; then suddenly the beloved has arrived, and it's noon with its merciless light, and every spot and pore and wrinkle and bristle stands clear."
//Margaret Atwood; Der blinde Mörder (The Blind Assassin)
There must be a reason; that even after I've put it down, closed the door and moved forward, that you would reappear in such a strange and dramatic manner. So much so, that surely it cannot be sheer coincidence, surely it cannot be a mere chancing upon; there has to be some explanation. And maybe in some ways, it was a test; a test to see how firm my footing really is, to check to see if anything of you could still make my heart twist. I thought about it for a night and a half and this morning I filled in the blanks. It really doesn't matter anymore whether everything that we did and you told me was black and white, truth and no greys. It really doesn't matter what you say or do or put in full view of everyone else. Hand on my heart, I've given it over and it doesn't hurt anymore. If I should know the reason, perhaps one day I will be shown the way to it. If not, I'm done searching. After all, you were the one who taught me not to ask for reasons, explanations or anything in between because when things change, nothing else cuts it anymore.
Still, in all this, I'm thankful that you've showed me the weaknesses in myself and the things I need to change. And I'm even more grateful that your coming and going showed me who the people who truly cared for me are. I won't make the mistake of shying away from whatever comes my way after this. I just need to remember who deserves first place in my life.
"Ultimately though, it's living people that frighten me the most. It's always seemed to me that nothing could be scarier than a person, because as dreadful places can be, they're still just places; and no matter how awful ghosts might seem, they're just dead people. I always thought that the most terrifying things anyone could ever think up were the things living people came up with. " //Banana Yoshimoto; Hardboiled and Hard Luck
Everything in its time, I understand. But sometimes I wish my shift of perspective would hurry up on its way here so that the gap would close up and be whole and living things could grow and walk over it again.
"One sticks one’s finger into the soil to tell by the smell in what land one is: I stick my finger in existence — it smells of nothing. Where am I? Who am I? How came I here? What is this thing called the world? What does this world mean? Who is it that has lured me into the world? Why was I not consulted, why not made acquainted with its manners and customs instead of throwing me into the ranks, as if I had been bought by a kidnapper, a dealer in souls? How did I obtain an interest in this big enterprise they call reality? Why should I have an interest in it? Is it not a voluntary concern? And if I am to be compelled to take part in it, where is the director? I should like to make a remark to him. Is there no director? Whither shall I turn with my complaint?"
//Søren Kierkegaard; Repetition: Letters from the Young Man
On the one hand, Bertrand Russell could not stand believing in God or the mysticism surrounding religion that he wrote a whole book to explain why he could not call himself a Christian. On the other hand, he freely admitted that "three passions, simple but overwhelmingly strong, have governed [his] life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind." And he mentioned that if he found himself before God on his death, he would "reproach Him for not giving us enough evidence." That's why I find in people I've spoken to as well, the urge to slide back-and-forth along this continuum of longing for love, acceptance, truth and the need to be logical, rational and in control.
Where you fall and decide to stay on the continuum is entirely up to you. But don't come in thinking that you will label me and thereby negate all that I am.
"Maybe you can afford to wait. Maybe for you there's a tomorrow. Maybe for you there's one thousand tomorrows, or three thousands or tens, so much time you can bathe in it, roll around it, let it slide like coins through your fingers. So much time you can waste it. But for some of us, there's only today. And the truth is, you never really know."
//Lauren Oliver; Before I Fall
This week so far has been nothing short of crazy. All eighteen-hour work days and no sleep at nights in project room 4.15. Just another twenty-two hours to go before it all ends, can't wait. Funny how we've gone from doubt to this in half a year's time and wonder what else could be in waiting for us three months down the road. Maybe we are really only the smallest fry of them all, but it doesn't matter not when we know we spilled coffee, tea, chocs, snacks and all types of guts to get this done. Girls, we should be so proud of what we've done.
"Imagine that human existence is defined by an Ache: the Ache of our not being, each of us, the centre of the universe; of our desires forever outnumbering our means of satisfying them."
//Jonathan Franzen; How to be Alone: Essays
He's right. In the end, we see our dreams as untenable, unreachable, unattainable only because deep-down, we are so entrenched in our comfort zones that we have been wired to be ultra-conformists. We are so scared of stepping out for the sake of maintaining our comfortable lifestyles. There is nothing innately wrong in that, if only our definition of a comfortable life did not keep changing, the bar did not keep getting higher. It's not just about having to give unreasonable time or effort, it's about whether we dare to give it an unreasonable amount of heart.
"You were made perfectly to be loved - and surely I have loved you, in the idea of you, my whole life long."
//Elizabeth Barrett Browning
Frankly, I don't know why and I don't know if I will ever know why. But I think of Bob Sorge and the intensity of his journey to arrive at the secret place and I marvel at how easily we acknowledge that his love is like fire and forget that fire burns, consumes, depletes and destroys before it cauterises, treats and heals.
If love like fire brings me to the secret place, then consume all of me and leave nothing behind.
"What no person has a right to do is to delude others into the belief that faith is something of no great significance, or that it is an easy matter, whereas it is the greatest and most difficult of all things."
//Søren Kierkegaard via John Irving; A Prayer for Owen Meany
I know that you cannot explain everything to everyone in the way that they want to or need to hear it. And I know that some answers will never satisfy those who are looking for something that even they cannot explain. But a lot of times it strikes home for me. Especially when I'm faced with the question of people asking, ultimately what do you want out of life? And I think Fanny Crosby put it really nicely centuries ago. Simply, that when my spirit clothed immortal; wings its flight through realms of day;
This my song through endless ages; Jesus led me all the way.
The last results show before the list of the final ten contestants. I already knew before hand that 邻家王子 would be going home in this episode but it was still surprisingly touching. It's okay, 观众的眼睛是雪亮的。
"Farewells can be shattering, but returns are surely worse. Solid flesh can never live up to the bright shadow cast by its absence. Time and distance blur the edges; then suddenly the beloved has arrived, and it's noon with its merciless light, and every spot and pore and wrinkle and bristle stands clear."
//Margaret Atwood; Der blinde Mörder (The Blind Assassin)
There must be a reason; that even after I've put it down, closed the door and moved forward, that you would reappear in such a strange and dramatic manner. So much so, that surely it cannot be sheer coincidence, surely it cannot be a mere chancing upon; there has to be some explanation. And maybe in some ways, it was a test; a test to see how firm my footing really is, to check to see if anything of you could still make my heart twist. I thought about it for a night and a half and this morning I filled in the blanks. It really doesn't matter anymore whether everything that we did and you told me was black and white, truth and no greys. It really doesn't matter what you say or do or put in full view of everyone else. Hand on my heart, I've given it over and it doesn't hurt anymore. If I should know the reason, perhaps one day I will be shown the way to it. If not, I'm done searching. After all, you were the one who taught me not to ask for reasons, explanations or anything in between because when things change, nothing else cuts it anymore.
Still, in all this, I'm thankful that you've showed me the weaknesses in myself and the things I need to change. And I'm even more grateful that your coming and going showed me who the people who truly cared for me are. I won't make the mistake of shying away from whatever comes my way after this. I just need to remember who deserves first place in my life.
"Ultimately though, it's living people that frighten me the most. It's always seemed to me that nothing could be scarier than a person, because as dreadful places can be, they're still just places; and no matter how awful ghosts might seem, they're just dead people. I always thought that the most terrifying things anyone could ever think up were the things living people came up with. " //Banana Yoshimoto; Hardboiled and Hard Luck
Everything in its time, I understand. But sometimes I wish my shift of perspective would hurry up on its way here so that the gap would close up and be whole and living things could grow and walk over it again.
"One sticks one’s finger into the soil to tell by the smell in what land one is: I stick my finger in existence — it smells of nothing. Where am I? Who am I? How came I here? What is this thing called the world? What does this world mean? Who is it that has lured me into the world? Why was I not consulted, why not made acquainted with its manners and customs instead of throwing me into the ranks, as if I had been bought by a kidnapper, a dealer in souls? How did I obtain an interest in this big enterprise they call reality? Why should I have an interest in it? Is it not a voluntary concern? And if I am to be compelled to take part in it, where is the director? I should like to make a remark to him. Is there no director? Whither shall I turn with my complaint?"
//Søren Kierkegaard; Repetition: Letters from the Young Man
On the one hand, Bertrand Russell could not stand believing in God or the mysticism surrounding religion that he wrote a whole book to explain why he could not call himself a Christian. On the other hand, he freely admitted that "three passions, simple but overwhelmingly strong, have governed [his] life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind." And he mentioned that if he found himself before God on his death, he would "reproach Him for not giving us enough evidence." That's why I find in people I've spoken to as well, the urge to slide back-and-forth along this continuum of longing for love, acceptance, truth and the need to be logical, rational and in control.
Where you fall and decide to stay on the continuum is entirely up to you. But don't come in thinking that you will label me and thereby negate all that I am.
"Maybe you can afford to wait. Maybe for you there's a tomorrow. Maybe for you there's one thousand tomorrows, or three thousands or tens, so much time you can bathe in it, roll around it, let it slide like coins through your fingers. So much time you can waste it. But for some of us, there's only today. And the truth is, you never really know."
//Lauren Oliver; Before I Fall
This week so far has been nothing short of crazy. All eighteen-hour work days and no sleep at nights in project room 4.15. Just another twenty-two hours to go before it all ends, can't wait. Funny how we've gone from doubt to this in half a year's time and wonder what else could be in waiting for us three months down the road. Maybe we are really only the smallest fry of them all, but it doesn't matter not when we know we spilled coffee, tea, chocs, snacks and all types of guts to get this done. Girls, we should be so proud of what we've done.
"Imagine that human existence is defined by an Ache: the Ache of our not being, each of us, the centre of the universe; of our desires forever outnumbering our means of satisfying them."
//Jonathan Franzen; How to be Alone: Essays
He's right. In the end, we see our dreams as untenable, unreachable, unattainable only because deep-down, we are so entrenched in our comfort zones that we have been wired to be ultra-conformists. We are so scared of stepping out for the sake of maintaining our comfortable lifestyles. There is nothing innately wrong in that, if only our definition of a comfortable life did not keep changing, the bar did not keep getting higher. It's not just about having to give unreasonable time or effort, it's about whether we dare to give it an unreasonable amount of heart.
"You were made perfectly to be loved - and surely I have loved you, in the idea of you, my whole life long."
//Elizabeth Barrett Browning
Frankly, I don't know why and I don't know if I will ever know why. But I think of Bob Sorge and the intensity of his journey to arrive at the secret place and I marvel at how easily we acknowledge that his love is like fire and forget that fire burns, consumes, depletes and destroys before it cauterises, treats and heals.
If love like fire brings me to the secret place, then consume all of me and leave nothing behind.
"What no person has a right to do is to delude others into the belief that faith is something of no great significance, or that it is an easy matter, whereas it is the greatest and most difficult of all things."
//Søren Kierkegaard via John Irving; A Prayer for Owen Meany
I know that you cannot explain everything to everyone in the way that they want to or need to hear it. And I know that some answers will never satisfy those who are looking for something that even they cannot explain. But a lot of times it strikes home for me. Especially when I'm faced with the question of people asking, ultimately what do you want out of life? And I think Fanny Crosby put it really nicely centuries ago. Simply, that when my spirit clothed immortal; wings its flight through realms of day;
This my song through endless ages; Jesus led me all the way.
The last results show before the list of the final ten contestants. I already knew before hand that 邻家王子 would be going home in this episode but it was still surprisingly touching. It's okay, 观众的眼睛是雪亮的。
