"We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him; throwing away all defensive armour. If our hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as the way in which they should break, so be it."
//C.S. Lewis; The Four Loves

For the past few months, I think waking up was one of the hardest things to do. It was like a sudden jolt to the heart and soul, then the ache would set in and the overwhelming sense of loss and loneliness. Then a thought, how do I go on from here. But you hold the pieces of my heart in your hands. And today, when I woke up, I suddenly felt just a sense of great peace and stillness. Like it would all be okay, I will carry on. And my heart can let go of what it doesn't need in this season and still be complete.

Then I thought of you and how you might be doing. And again my defence mechanism rears up without thinking. I focus on the lines drawn, the decisions made, the choice to move on with someone else instead. And always, the reality that as I am hurting, something new has started and will continue between you and someone else.

And suddenly, I felt the beginning of release. To be able to say with truthfulness, that I wish you well. In this job that you've always wanted, the studies you've wanted to pursue and this new relationship you have with her. May whatever you go into be more than whatever we've left behind. That your struggle with God will bring forth gold.

And then I think, if you have gone on to something new, where does that leave me?

I don't think I know yet. But my hand is in his. 
Lead me to the cross.

Labels: declutter, faithfully, journey

"We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him; throwing away all defensive armour. If our hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as the way in which they should break, so be it."
//C.S. Lewis; The Four Loves

For the past few months, I think waking up was one of the hardest things to do. It was like a sudden jolt to the heart and soul, then the ache would set in and the overwhelming sense of loss and loneliness. Then a thought, how do I go on from here. But you hold the pieces of my heart in your hands. And today, when I woke up, I suddenly felt just a sense of great peace and stillness. Like it would all be okay, I will carry on. And my heart can let go of what it doesn't need in this season and still be complete.

Then I thought of you and how you might be doing. And again my defence mechanism rears up without thinking. I focus on the lines drawn, the decisions made, the choice to move on with someone else instead. And always, the reality that as I am hurting, something new has started and will continue between you and someone else.

And suddenly, I felt the beginning of release. To be able to say with truthfulness, that I wish you well. In this job that you've always wanted, the studies you've wanted to pursue and this new relationship you have with her. May whatever you go into be more than whatever we've left behind. That your struggle with God will bring forth gold.

And then I think, if you have gone on to something new, where does that leave me?

I don't think I know yet. But my hand is in his. 
Lead me to the cross.

Labels: declutter, faithfully, journey