"You may say to yourself, "My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me. But remember the Lord your God, for it is He who gave you this ability to produce wealth, and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your forefathers, as it is today." //Deuteronomy 9:17-18 I had always known that Ivan existed. He was one of those church guys who had been in church for the longest time; gone through Superlife (kids), Megalife (youth), Highlife (young adult) and emerged unscathed, more faithful than ever haha. His dad served with my dad on the elders' board. He and his Quah siblings were considered high-profile in church. In short, the kind of church guy whom I never would've hung out much with. Plus, he's two years younger than I am. So in the normal course of things, our paths would never have crossed. But my God is not a God of the ordinary or normalcy. When He wants to get things going, He really does it in an extraordinary and most remarkable way. At that time, I had been out of ministry for about a year. For some reason, I couldn't get into a ministry without it closing down. Regardless of what ministry I joined, SMU cell ministry, Onelife core team, RCS tuition, things just couldn't get going. So I figured God just wanted me to take a break. Until one day, Nick and Esther came to cell group and started sharing about the amazing work that they were doing with young people in Highlife, about how passionate and talented these young people were and how much potential they had waiting to be developed. But the catch was they needed more adult leaders in Highlife as there was a serious shortage of leaders, especially for some cells which only had 1 leader to 20++ members. I wasn't keen on serving again (since I didn't want any cells closing down due to my inclusion) but my friend was keen on serving. So Nick and Esther decided to organise a get together over breakfast for my friend and asked me along. Little did I know that was their way of sneakily recruiting me to be a leader. And before I knew it, I was asked if I was willing to co-lead a Highlife cell with Ivan. To be honest, I prayed about it and had some doubts. My main (very human) doubt was, oh gosh I was already what 26 at that time and I was fresh from being out of a relationship. If I started leading a cell, where would I get the time to go out there and date?! But God told me serve for 4 years until you're 30, and at that time, if you want to move on, you'd be able to leave with pride, having given your best years to the cell. God really has a way with words. So I said yes to leading the cell with Ivan. And that was the very first step of our journey together :)
"The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail." //Isaiah 58:11 It's been 3 years since I last blogged here. And in those 3 years, so many things have happened. To cut a very long and amazing story short, I got engaged in March last year and I got married in January this year to Ivan, who has been the most wonderful person to me. The story of how we met, got together and got married is really a story of God's promises fulfilled, a testimony to God's eternal faithfulness and lovingkindness towards me, even when I was faithless. One day, I will sit down and document our entire journey. For now, it only remains for me to say praise the Lord God Almighty, who was and is to come. He is my Jehovah Jireh, God my Provider. His love never fails.
Today was the first time in a long while that I've been back to changi village. We drove past the same roads, walked through the same places, saw past the same scenery; and the things that come back to me waver between the happy times that we've had here and the last memory that I had of this place. Everything seems familiar yet far away. And I wonder, how long more Lord, how long more before you turn my weeping into joy? How long more before the memories stay still and turn into dust? And then you say three times to me, you will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are stayed on you because they trust in you. Trusting in you means staying committed to you, leaning on you and hoping confidently in you. And I say, if this is your will, then let the ruins come to life in the beauty of your name and let my soul find refuge in you. So, be still my soul and wait upon the Lord.
It has been so long since I came back to you that I had nearly forgotten what it felt like to be writing to you. So many things have happened since I was last here that I wonder where I should start. So many times, I came and wondered what I should say to you and the words failed me. Because the emotions were so raw and the words so inadequate to express the depth of what I was feeling, that many times I left because the words would not have been truthful reflections of everything that I was going through. The struggles and the pain of the valley, the looking to and hoping for springtime and the transitions into a new season of walking with God. Each and every experience has been so precious, has brought me ever closer into the embrace of my God, that I know with certainty, that all things in my life have happened only to bring me into deeper intimacy with this everlasting Father. If Jacob struggled with God and became Israel, then after I have struggled with God, have I changed? I certainly hope so. And people have told me so. If my faith had been a faith that rejoiced in God when he answered my prayers, I hope it is now a faith that clings to the Cross even when God has taken away something from me that has served its purpose for this season. And if I had an empathy that was shallow and judging towards other who struggled, I hope I now have a depth of empathy and love for those who struggle in the same and different ways that I do. In everything that happened from then till now, would I want to have things happen differently? Sometimes, I do. In my times of weakness, I wish with all my heart that things had turned out differently. But then I wonder about the words that have been spoken to me during the Jakarta mission trip and I think, if God wants me to go through this transition to become gold, then do your work Lord and draw me closer to you. What else have I on earth but you? And there should be nothing I desire on this earth but you. Each and every day, teach me this truth until I have come forth as gold in your sight.
"We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him; throwing away all defensive armour. If our hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as the way in which they should break, so be it." //C.S. Lewis; The Four Loves For the past few months, I think waking up was one of the hardest things to do. It was like a sudden jolt to the heart and soul, then the ache would set in and the overwhelming sense of loss and loneliness. Then a thought, how do I go on from here. But you hold the pieces of my heart in your hands. And today, when I woke up, I suddenly felt just a sense of great peace and stillness. Like it would all be okay, I will carry on. And my heart can let go of what it doesn't need in this season and still be complete. Then I thought of you and how you might be doing. And again my defence mechanism rears up without thinking. I focus on the lines drawn, the decisions made, the choice to move on with someone else instead. And always, the reality that as I am hurting, something new has started and will continue between you and someone else. And suddenly, I felt the beginning of release. To be able to say with truthfulness, that I wish you well. In this job that you've always wanted, the studies you've wanted to pursue and this new relationship you have with her. May whatever you go into be more than whatever we've left behind. That your struggle with God will bring forth gold. And then I think, if you have gone on to something new, where does that leave me? I don't think I know yet. But my hand is in his. Lead me to the cross.
in the midst of the CNY visiting and feasting and sharing, you gave me a verse which resonated with me. love the Lord your God with all of your heart, with all of your soul, with all of your strength and with all of your mind. and I was so touched when SS confirmed it by talking about this verse while sharing with me her own journey through heartache and waiting. and I see again your hand in my pain, taking me through the moulding as you are making me more like you.
today HT and I had an hour of spontaneous guitar worship singing the old songs which we remember from so long ago. and in the middle of it, I suddenly remembered the times when you would play your guitar and I would sing along. such precious times, which you later tried to initiate but which I chose to gave up for other things. place this upon my heart Lord, this wonderful closeness with you in spirit. and remind me of it always, in the future, when my heart gets distracted. that drawing close to you was always the main purpose.
"Arise, cry out in the night, as the watches of the night begin; Pour out your heart like water in the presence of the Lord." //Lamentations 2:19 I remember my entire journey with you. From the time of camp d'vine, to joining the new cell group, to the time of waiting and praying, the first meet-up in clarke quay and the long walk to the dessert place, the christmas eve dinner and talk, the three months of seeking and drawing near, the question at ecp and the twenty-one months after. I believe you were with me, every single step of the way. watching and waiting, desiring always for us to realise that we needed to once again draw close to you and make you our centre. and now, I see that you guided us to walk onto separate paths. the new job, the busyness, the times at your place after church, the intense HTHT at ecp, my single-minded stubbornness, the timelines, the disagreements, your decisions, the closure meeting. through it all, I still hold onto the truth that in all things, you work together for the good of those who love you, who have been called according to your purpose. and I do not give up, I do not give in. at the end of it all, I come to you and say that I still believe. believe that I heard you clearly, that you heard my prayers and you came through for me. believe that you have caused things to fall apart because this is part of your plan for us. and even though, my heart hurts and my faith is shaken, I know that you are calling me to come to you again. not to live in fear, but to be bold to ask to hear from you again. for this will be my real victory, that I am not afraid to do your will, even if it means falling down and losing parts of my heart. for what you intend for me, no human hand can ever take it away. and what you do not intend for me, no human hand will ever be able to hold onto it. so let your joy be my strength, be the medicine which heals this broken heart. as a wood-carver chips away at the wood which cannot be used, let my heart be a vessel in your hands and your testing the chipping away of the parts of my heart which do not belong to you. for you see me at the end of my journey. and I trust you are making something beautiful out of me, especially in the fire and the valleys. through it all; love, I still believe in you.
"Jesus draw me ever nearer, As I labour through the storm. You have called me to this passage, and I'll follow, though I'm worn. May this journey bring a blessing, May I rise on wings of faith; And at the end of my heart's testing, With your likeness let me wake. Jesus guide me through the tempest; Keep my spirit staid and sure. And when the midnight meets the morning Let me love You even more. And my this journey bring a blessing, May I rise on wings of faith; And at the end of my heart's testing, With your likeness let me wake. And let the treasures of the trial Form within me as I go - And at the end of this long passage, Let me leave them at your throne." //Keith & Kristyn Getty; Jesus Draw Me Ever Nearer
"We are often running on fumes, spiritually, but we must know where the fuel station is, and even more important, that it exists. After trying all kinds of other things, Christians have learned that the worship of God with the whole heart is in the assurance of his love through the work of Jesus Christ is the thing their souls were meant to "run on". That is what gets all the heart's cylinders to fire. If this is not understood, then we will not have the resources to be good spouses. If we look to our spouses to fill up our tanks in a way that only God can do, we are demanding an impossibility." //Timothy Keller; The Meaning of Marriage This has been a really hectic two weeks for us. He's been busy with deadlines, going to Malaysia then to Hong Kong and his company's d&d. I've been busy with flying to Shanghai. And in the midst of all this busyness, we've been really snappy with each other. And I've really been struggling with how to cope with his new hectic work and study schedule, with how to give love and affection and understanding even when I feel like I am not getting any from him. For some reason, it feels like I've been in this bind for a long time. Where I try my hardest to be loving and understanding and tell him that it's okay that we don't get to spend any time together, but later my emotions overcome me and I get really needy and irritated with him and I show it in my texts to him. And he gets really stressed and overwhelmed by all the demands made on him. Then we end up being really hurt and angry and disappointed with each other. And it feels like a cycle that has been repeating itself ever since he got into his new job. When I was in Shanghai, I think we hit a low point where we stopped trying to reach out to each other. He said to give him time and space, so I did. But I was really bothered about how to deal with it all and when we would eventually get to talk about it. To take my mind off things, I picked up Timothy Keller's book on marriage and started going through it. And by God's grace, I came to this particular chapter which was talking about the power that we need in a marriage. Amazingly, everything in that chapter spoke deeply to me about our current situation. Through the book, God taught me three important principles:- (1) My ability to give love and understanding and affection does not come from my partner, but it comes from God alone; (2) The purpose of a marriage is to learn to submit - that is, to consider and count the interests of my partner as more important than my own; and (3) The thing that prevents me from submitting is my own self-centredness and that is the root of every problem in a relationship. In a moment, I think the knot that was in my heart just undid itself and I understood what God wanted me to do. He wanted me to stop focusing on what man could do for me but to focus on God's love and affection for me. That once I understood the work of the Holy Spirit in my life, I would be filled with enough strength and grace to continue loving and caring for him in our relationship. Once I put my focus on the right person then it no longer mattered whether I felt my love and affection was being reciprocated or if I felt I was getting the amount of love and attention that I needed. Because God had freely given to me His love, I could also freely give love. I did not have to keep records or accounts of how much I had received before I could give. And I think that's been the single most liberating rhema word I've gotten from God since we've gotten into this bind. The road ahead is not easy, we still have many things to discuss and work through. But at least now my heart is in the right place. My God is all sufficient for me. And in Him, I have all the strength and grace I need to love, understand and support. So come what may, I know who is the One who sustains us and I am not afraid any longer.
"Cos I am so in love with You, there is no one else for me; I lean not on my understanding, my life is in the hands of the maker of Heaven; I give it all to you Lord, trusting that you'll make something beautiful out of me; There's nothing I hold on to." //Nothing I hold on to (Make something beautiful out of me); Jeremy Riddle I miss my scandinavian summer holiday very very much. I saw and learnt so much over those 14 days that I just feel compelled to journal my experiences here so that I will never forget. So let these vignette of Scandinavian summer stories be a token to keep and cherish forever. While we were in Oslo, Norway, we had the opportunity to visit the Fram Musuem, named after the majestic Fram ship which is housed inside the museum itself. Just opposite the Fram Museum is the wonderful Norwegian Maritime Museum. And while we were waiting outside, I stumbled across a boat building workshop nestled just in between these two maritime museums. There was an incomplete wooden boat in the middle of the workshop. All around the half-finished boat were tools, wooden logs, and little mountains of wood shavings. It was not a pretty sight and I couldn't even envision what the finished boat was supposed to look like! After that, we got onto the bus and while waiting for it to move off, I was listening to the song "Nothing I hold on to (Make Something Beautiful Out of Me) by Jeremy Riddle. And there was a beautiful lyric in the song that said, "I give it all to you Lord, trusting that you'll make something beautiful out of me." And right at that moment, in my mind's eye, I saw an image of a block of wood and there were sharp carving tools cutting into the wood in order to construct a ship that would be able to sail on the high seas and withstand all manner of waves, storms and winds. And at that moment, revelation struck me and I understood what God was saying to me. That my life is fully in the hands of God, my Maker. And everything that happens to me in my life happens for a reason. Even if there is pain and suffering, it happens so that the unusable and unwieldy parts of me may be chipped away and turned into something beautiful and worthy of God. And a prayer arose in my heart. Thank you Lord for holding on to me in this life and saving me for eternal life so that I am able to dwell in the beauty of your presence forever. Today, I pray Lord, that I will not lean on my own understanding but I will trust wholly in you Lord, knowing that you will surely make something beautiful out of me. This is the beautiful cover of the song by Sarah Lee and I hope it will bless you as much as it blessed me:-
"She did not need much. Wanted very little. A kind word, sincerity, fresh air, clean water, a garden, kisses, books to read, sheltering arms, a cosy bed and to love and be loved in return." //Starra Neely Blade And when I'm with you, you open up my eyes to show me that love and contentment can actually be very simple. That joy can be found in a cosy, lazy cafe on a Saturday evening sharing life over coffee, fries and pasta. That unadulterated excitement can exist in dodging shoppers along the noisy, bustling alleys of Little India and Mustafa Centre. That love can steep and stew over an accidental ninety-minute bus journey of epic proportions, starting from a lonely bus terminal at st michael's and ending up right back where we started. Maybe it's been unknowingly inculcated in us to expect the grandiose, the glittering and the glamorous from our relationships. Maybe it's in every k-drama, every love song, every movie that we've watched and unknowingly grown to expect in our own lives. But again and again, you show me that love is both simpler and deeper than that. That it's in your willingness to spend dinnertime explaining the finer aspects of audit work to a completely confused amateur, in your protective shadow hovering right behind me as we navigate the swarming side-alleys of Little India, in your unwavering resolute to stay awake and entertain me on the extremely long bus journey home. And in all these little things, time and time again, I come back to the same conclusion. That God's choice for me is always incomparably good and he will never allow me to doubt Him or you.
We celebrated our 16th monthsary and his 26th birthday this week! With our favourite things like coffee, games, long walks and steaks in abundance! What an amazing journey it has been thus far, ever since the faithful day you made the cheesy comment that I was your cup of tea :) Thank you God for letting our paths cross, for keeping us together and for bringing us forward each and every day. You have made my life the most wonderful adventure ever since you came in. Thank you for leading me, loving me and taking care of me. tous les jours je t'aime. every day I love you.
Today we went for our couple time session with Uncle CS and Aunt PK, and what an eye-opening session it was. Just to have time to sit down and discuss our issues openly, talk about our strength areas, our growth areas and all the future areas of living and working together that we will have, was just really amazing. And I think it's opened my eyes more to who I was, what I am and who I eventually want to become. Right now, I know that I hold back a lot and that I fear a lot. I'm afraid of loss, of being let down, of getting hurt, of giving too much, showing too quickly, being too vulnerable. But Uncle CS is right, that I need to give him a chance, and give us a chance. Because I know he is different,I know that he is chosen, I know that he has never done a thing to let me down. But at times, the fear of the unknown rings really loudly. How will I react when he finally gets into his peak period and is really tied down by all his audit engagements? Will I really be able to cope the way I say I can? Will things turn out the way they used to play out all the time? But I know it will be okay. All it takes it to breakdown the hedge I've built around myself, one part at a time, one day at a time. Step by step, until we reach the finishing point together.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths." //Proverbs 3:5-6 Last night was a truly wonderful time of fellowship with the OL 8 cellies :) I especially loved the fact that we had such a open time of sharing about our struggles and little triumphs, that even though we're nowhere near complete, we're always trusting and trying. And I'm so glad that I got to share the things that are upon my heart as UU moves into a new job and new season and that there are people to pray alongside with me and encourage me. Even though many things may change, I know that the God who brought us together never changes. And He who is faithful to bring us to it will be faithful to bring us through it. We hold on to you and we look to you.
"As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one." //Ephesians 5:31-32
We officially graduated from the marriage prep course today with a celebratory dinner at the SIA sports club! And what an amazing journey it has been, going through the five sessions, tackling the bible studies and homework together, getting to know other couples and hearing their wonderful stories and having opportunities to discuss issues we never thought we would have to deal with as a couple. Over the past five weeks, we've heard and learnt so much from all the couples we've met and I finally understand what people mean when they say that every couple is unique and beautiful and have their own story to tell. My biggest takeaway from the course has been a fresh perspective on just how deep and beautiful the marriage covenant is, that it is akin to the relationship between Jesus Christ and the church. That when you take your marriage vows, it is the beginning of something selfless, sacred and irrevocable, until death. That when you vow to have and to hold from this day forward, there is nothing that should come between these vows; not circumstances, not poverty, not illness, not until death do you part. And while I always knew these words, I never understood how central these vows were to the marriage. That truly on your wedding day, nothing else matters as much as the moment when you stand before man and God, to swear these words to each other. More than that, I've also learnt that the wedding is only the first step to a journey of a lifetime. A lifetime where there will definitely be pain and struggle but also immense joy and companionship. And now, I can begin to understand more of what it actually means to be married. That it will not just be about a lavish wedding or a exotic honeymoon, but it will be about loving God together, doing life together and supporting each other in every way possible. Thank you for beginning this journey with me. I look forward to walking it to the end with you.
"Amazing love how can it be, that you my king would die for me? Amazing love I know it's true; It's my joy to honor you; In all I do I honor you" //Chris Tomlin; Amazing Love Somehow the topic of work has been troubling me for the past two or three months. And while I've been getting by, I also know deep in my heart that I'm not yet digging deep enough, have not yet reached a point where I have complete peace. But God has been good, granting me two wonderful opportunities with weeps and kx to discuss my work situation. I've been really blessed, just to be able to share with them and say what has been eating away at me. And I really took away some wonderful nuggets of truth from my conversations with them. I don't know if this helps anyone else who is going through something difficult but I'll just share them here cos I think it applies to most things in life. First, it doesn't matter that I don't exactly know what I eventually want to be. It's enough that I know that God has placed me here for a purpose. So even if I'm doing something that's super mundane, I should do it with a spirit of excellence, as if I'm working for God and not for man. Bcos this is something that will mould my character and a stone I need to step on in the journey that God is leading me through. Second, my heart attitude plays out in the way that I interact with others and do my work. Do I truly believe that God is in control and He directs my path completely? If so, I will stop worrying about all my fears and my insecurities. Instead, I will do my best at everything I've been given and trust in God that he will allow it to turn out well. I will thank him for the place I've been put in and all the good things I've been given. I will not strive. Third, I will learn as much as I can in the time I've been given. It doesn't matter if there are many working styles, many things that I do not yet know. By God's grace, I will pick up the skills I need so that I can be effective in my calling. Lastly, each and every day I need to start off again with a spirit-filled vision of my work and my calling. Remind myself that I'm not in it for material things but that I'm placed here to do His work, in whatever shape and form that may be. Onward and onward, until we're called home.
"For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength." //1 Corinthians 1:25 I managed to meet KX for brekkie this morning before church and we had a really good meetup session. Now, I really feel like trying out a silent retreat session where there's no way for me to connect with the world and literally the only person I can converse with is God. Time to stop sifting soil and dig deeper. God is all I need, He is more than sufficient and in all my weakness, His strength will be made perfect.
"You call me out upon the waters, the great unknown where feet may fail. And there I find you in the mystery; in oceans deep, My faith will stand." I will call upon Your name, and keep my eyes above the waves; When oceans rise my soul will rest in Your embrace; For I am Yours and You are mine." //Hillsong United; Oceans (Where feet may fail) choosing faith over fear is a choice we need to make everyday. every morning, get up and get down on our knees, saying that there is no other path I'd rather walk, no other way I'd rather live my life, than in the shadow of your beauty, in the majesty of your presence, in the fullness of your grace.
"But you only need the light when it's burning low; Only miss the sun when it starts to snow; Only know you love her when you let her go. Only know you've been high when you're feeling low; Only hate the road when you're missin' home; Only know you love her when you let her go." //Passenger; Let Her Go A once said that in some way, she will always be single, even though she's engaged and getting married next year. I couldn't really understand what she meant when I first heard it. But perhaps now, I'm learning what it means. Learning to be alone again and learning that my happiness is not dependent on a person. Re-discovering my ability to be single when I need to be.
"You may say to yourself, "My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me. But remember the Lord your God, for it is He who gave you this ability to produce wealth, and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your forefathers, as it is today." //Deuteronomy 9:17-18 I had always known that Ivan existed. He was one of those church guys who had been in church for the longest time; gone through Superlife (kids), Megalife (youth), Highlife (young adult) and emerged unscathed, more faithful than ever haha. His dad served with my dad on the elders' board. He and his Quah siblings were considered high-profile in church. In short, the kind of church guy whom I never would've hung out much with. Plus, he's two years younger than I am. So in the normal course of things, our paths would never have crossed. But my God is not a God of the ordinary or normalcy. When He wants to get things going, He really does it in an extraordinary and most remarkable way. At that time, I had been out of ministry for about a year. For some reason, I couldn't get into a ministry without it closing down. Regardless of what ministry I joined, SMU cell ministry, Onelife core team, RCS tuition, things just couldn't get going. So I figured God just wanted me to take a break. Until one day, Nick and Esther came to cell group and started sharing about the amazing work that they were doing with young people in Highlife, about how passionate and talented these young people were and how much potential they had waiting to be developed. But the catch was they needed more adult leaders in Highlife as there was a serious shortage of leaders, especially for some cells which only had 1 leader to 20++ members. I wasn't keen on serving again (since I didn't want any cells closing down due to my inclusion) but my friend was keen on serving. So Nick and Esther decided to organise a get together over breakfast for my friend and asked me along. Little did I know that was their way of sneakily recruiting me to be a leader. And before I knew it, I was asked if I was willing to co-lead a Highlife cell with Ivan. To be honest, I prayed about it and had some doubts. My main (very human) doubt was, oh gosh I was already what 26 at that time and I was fresh from being out of a relationship. If I started leading a cell, where would I get the time to go out there and date?! But God told me serve for 4 years until you're 30, and at that time, if you want to move on, you'd be able to leave with pride, having given your best years to the cell. God really has a way with words. So I said yes to leading the cell with Ivan. And that was the very first step of our journey together :)
"The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail." //Isaiah 58:11 It's been 3 years since I last blogged here. And in those 3 years, so many things have happened. To cut a very long and amazing story short, I got engaged in March last year and I got married in January this year to Ivan, who has been the most wonderful person to me. The story of how we met, got together and got married is really a story of God's promises fulfilled, a testimony to God's eternal faithfulness and lovingkindness towards me, even when I was faithless. One day, I will sit down and document our entire journey. For now, it only remains for me to say praise the Lord God Almighty, who was and is to come. He is my Jehovah Jireh, God my Provider. His love never fails.
Today was the first time in a long while that I've been back to changi village. We drove past the same roads, walked through the same places, saw past the same scenery; and the things that come back to me waver between the happy times that we've had here and the last memory that I had of this place. Everything seems familiar yet far away. And I wonder, how long more Lord, how long more before you turn my weeping into joy? How long more before the memories stay still and turn into dust? And then you say three times to me, you will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are stayed on you because they trust in you. Trusting in you means staying committed to you, leaning on you and hoping confidently in you. And I say, if this is your will, then let the ruins come to life in the beauty of your name and let my soul find refuge in you. So, be still my soul and wait upon the Lord.
It has been so long since I came back to you that I had nearly forgotten what it felt like to be writing to you. So many things have happened since I was last here that I wonder where I should start. So many times, I came and wondered what I should say to you and the words failed me. Because the emotions were so raw and the words so inadequate to express the depth of what I was feeling, that many times I left because the words would not have been truthful reflections of everything that I was going through. The struggles and the pain of the valley, the looking to and hoping for springtime and the transitions into a new season of walking with God. Each and every experience has been so precious, has brought me ever closer into the embrace of my God, that I know with certainty, that all things in my life have happened only to bring me into deeper intimacy with this everlasting Father. If Jacob struggled with God and became Israel, then after I have struggled with God, have I changed? I certainly hope so. And people have told me so. If my faith had been a faith that rejoiced in God when he answered my prayers, I hope it is now a faith that clings to the Cross even when God has taken away something from me that has served its purpose for this season. And if I had an empathy that was shallow and judging towards other who struggled, I hope I now have a depth of empathy and love for those who struggle in the same and different ways that I do. In everything that happened from then till now, would I want to have things happen differently? Sometimes, I do. In my times of weakness, I wish with all my heart that things had turned out differently. But then I wonder about the words that have been spoken to me during the Jakarta mission trip and I think, if God wants me to go through this transition to become gold, then do your work Lord and draw me closer to you. What else have I on earth but you? And there should be nothing I desire on this earth but you. Each and every day, teach me this truth until I have come forth as gold in your sight.
"We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him; throwing away all defensive armour. If our hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as the way in which they should break, so be it." //C.S. Lewis; The Four Loves For the past few months, I think waking up was one of the hardest things to do. It was like a sudden jolt to the heart and soul, then the ache would set in and the overwhelming sense of loss and loneliness. Then a thought, how do I go on from here. But you hold the pieces of my heart in your hands. And today, when I woke up, I suddenly felt just a sense of great peace and stillness. Like it would all be okay, I will carry on. And my heart can let go of what it doesn't need in this season and still be complete. Then I thought of you and how you might be doing. And again my defence mechanism rears up without thinking. I focus on the lines drawn, the decisions made, the choice to move on with someone else instead. And always, the reality that as I am hurting, something new has started and will continue between you and someone else. And suddenly, I felt the beginning of release. To be able to say with truthfulness, that I wish you well. In this job that you've always wanted, the studies you've wanted to pursue and this new relationship you have with her. May whatever you go into be more than whatever we've left behind. That your struggle with God will bring forth gold. And then I think, if you have gone on to something new, where does that leave me? I don't think I know yet. But my hand is in his. Lead me to the cross.
in the midst of the CNY visiting and feasting and sharing, you gave me a verse which resonated with me. love the Lord your God with all of your heart, with all of your soul, with all of your strength and with all of your mind. and I was so touched when SS confirmed it by talking about this verse while sharing with me her own journey through heartache and waiting. and I see again your hand in my pain, taking me through the moulding as you are making me more like you.
today HT and I had an hour of spontaneous guitar worship singing the old songs which we remember from so long ago. and in the middle of it, I suddenly remembered the times when you would play your guitar and I would sing along. such precious times, which you later tried to initiate but which I chose to gave up for other things. place this upon my heart Lord, this wonderful closeness with you in spirit. and remind me of it always, in the future, when my heart gets distracted. that drawing close to you was always the main purpose.
"Arise, cry out in the night, as the watches of the night begin; Pour out your heart like water in the presence of the Lord." //Lamentations 2:19 I remember my entire journey with you. From the time of camp d'vine, to joining the new cell group, to the time of waiting and praying, the first meet-up in clarke quay and the long walk to the dessert place, the christmas eve dinner and talk, the three months of seeking and drawing near, the question at ecp and the twenty-one months after. I believe you were with me, every single step of the way. watching and waiting, desiring always for us to realise that we needed to once again draw close to you and make you our centre. and now, I see that you guided us to walk onto separate paths. the new job, the busyness, the times at your place after church, the intense HTHT at ecp, my single-minded stubbornness, the timelines, the disagreements, your decisions, the closure meeting. through it all, I still hold onto the truth that in all things, you work together for the good of those who love you, who have been called according to your purpose. and I do not give up, I do not give in. at the end of it all, I come to you and say that I still believe. believe that I heard you clearly, that you heard my prayers and you came through for me. believe that you have caused things to fall apart because this is part of your plan for us. and even though, my heart hurts and my faith is shaken, I know that you are calling me to come to you again. not to live in fear, but to be bold to ask to hear from you again. for this will be my real victory, that I am not afraid to do your will, even if it means falling down and losing parts of my heart. for what you intend for me, no human hand can ever take it away. and what you do not intend for me, no human hand will ever be able to hold onto it. so let your joy be my strength, be the medicine which heals this broken heart. as a wood-carver chips away at the wood which cannot be used, let my heart be a vessel in your hands and your testing the chipping away of the parts of my heart which do not belong to you. for you see me at the end of my journey. and I trust you are making something beautiful out of me, especially in the fire and the valleys. through it all; love, I still believe in you.
"Jesus draw me ever nearer, As I labour through the storm. You have called me to this passage, and I'll follow, though I'm worn. May this journey bring a blessing, May I rise on wings of faith; And at the end of my heart's testing, With your likeness let me wake. Jesus guide me through the tempest; Keep my spirit staid and sure. And when the midnight meets the morning Let me love You even more. And my this journey bring a blessing, May I rise on wings of faith; And at the end of my heart's testing, With your likeness let me wake. And let the treasures of the trial Form within me as I go - And at the end of this long passage, Let me leave them at your throne." //Keith & Kristyn Getty; Jesus Draw Me Ever Nearer
"We are often running on fumes, spiritually, but we must know where the fuel station is, and even more important, that it exists. After trying all kinds of other things, Christians have learned that the worship of God with the whole heart is in the assurance of his love through the work of Jesus Christ is the thing their souls were meant to "run on". That is what gets all the heart's cylinders to fire. If this is not understood, then we will not have the resources to be good spouses. If we look to our spouses to fill up our tanks in a way that only God can do, we are demanding an impossibility." //Timothy Keller; The Meaning of Marriage This has been a really hectic two weeks for us. He's been busy with deadlines, going to Malaysia then to Hong Kong and his company's d&d. I've been busy with flying to Shanghai. And in the midst of all this busyness, we've been really snappy with each other. And I've really been struggling with how to cope with his new hectic work and study schedule, with how to give love and affection and understanding even when I feel like I am not getting any from him. For some reason, it feels like I've been in this bind for a long time. Where I try my hardest to be loving and understanding and tell him that it's okay that we don't get to spend any time together, but later my emotions overcome me and I get really needy and irritated with him and I show it in my texts to him. And he gets really stressed and overwhelmed by all the demands made on him. Then we end up being really hurt and angry and disappointed with each other. And it feels like a cycle that has been repeating itself ever since he got into his new job. When I was in Shanghai, I think we hit a low point where we stopped trying to reach out to each other. He said to give him time and space, so I did. But I was really bothered about how to deal with it all and when we would eventually get to talk about it. To take my mind off things, I picked up Timothy Keller's book on marriage and started going through it. And by God's grace, I came to this particular chapter which was talking about the power that we need in a marriage. Amazingly, everything in that chapter spoke deeply to me about our current situation. Through the book, God taught me three important principles:- (1) My ability to give love and understanding and affection does not come from my partner, but it comes from God alone; (2) The purpose of a marriage is to learn to submit - that is, to consider and count the interests of my partner as more important than my own; and (3) The thing that prevents me from submitting is my own self-centredness and that is the root of every problem in a relationship. In a moment, I think the knot that was in my heart just undid itself and I understood what God wanted me to do. He wanted me to stop focusing on what man could do for me but to focus on God's love and affection for me. That once I understood the work of the Holy Spirit in my life, I would be filled with enough strength and grace to continue loving and caring for him in our relationship. Once I put my focus on the right person then it no longer mattered whether I felt my love and affection was being reciprocated or if I felt I was getting the amount of love and attention that I needed. Because God had freely given to me His love, I could also freely give love. I did not have to keep records or accounts of how much I had received before I could give. And I think that's been the single most liberating rhema word I've gotten from God since we've gotten into this bind. The road ahead is not easy, we still have many things to discuss and work through. But at least now my heart is in the right place. My God is all sufficient for me. And in Him, I have all the strength and grace I need to love, understand and support. So come what may, I know who is the One who sustains us and I am not afraid any longer.
"Cos I am so in love with You, there is no one else for me; I lean not on my understanding, my life is in the hands of the maker of Heaven; I give it all to you Lord, trusting that you'll make something beautiful out of me; There's nothing I hold on to." //Nothing I hold on to (Make something beautiful out of me); Jeremy Riddle I miss my scandinavian summer holiday very very much. I saw and learnt so much over those 14 days that I just feel compelled to journal my experiences here so that I will never forget. So let these vignette of Scandinavian summer stories be a token to keep and cherish forever. While we were in Oslo, Norway, we had the opportunity to visit the Fram Musuem, named after the majestic Fram ship which is housed inside the museum itself. Just opposite the Fram Museum is the wonderful Norwegian Maritime Museum. And while we were waiting outside, I stumbled across a boat building workshop nestled just in between these two maritime museums. There was an incomplete wooden boat in the middle of the workshop. All around the half-finished boat were tools, wooden logs, and little mountains of wood shavings. It was not a pretty sight and I couldn't even envision what the finished boat was supposed to look like! After that, we got onto the bus and while waiting for it to move off, I was listening to the song "Nothing I hold on to (Make Something Beautiful Out of Me) by Jeremy Riddle. And there was a beautiful lyric in the song that said, "I give it all to you Lord, trusting that you'll make something beautiful out of me." And right at that moment, in my mind's eye, I saw an image of a block of wood and there were sharp carving tools cutting into the wood in order to construct a ship that would be able to sail on the high seas and withstand all manner of waves, storms and winds. And at that moment, revelation struck me and I understood what God was saying to me. That my life is fully in the hands of God, my Maker. And everything that happens to me in my life happens for a reason. Even if there is pain and suffering, it happens so that the unusable and unwieldy parts of me may be chipped away and turned into something beautiful and worthy of God. And a prayer arose in my heart. Thank you Lord for holding on to me in this life and saving me for eternal life so that I am able to dwell in the beauty of your presence forever. Today, I pray Lord, that I will not lean on my own understanding but I will trust wholly in you Lord, knowing that you will surely make something beautiful out of me. This is the beautiful cover of the song by Sarah Lee and I hope it will bless you as much as it blessed me:-
"She did not need much. Wanted very little. A kind word, sincerity, fresh air, clean water, a garden, kisses, books to read, sheltering arms, a cosy bed and to love and be loved in return." //Starra Neely Blade And when I'm with you, you open up my eyes to show me that love and contentment can actually be very simple. That joy can be found in a cosy, lazy cafe on a Saturday evening sharing life over coffee, fries and pasta. That unadulterated excitement can exist in dodging shoppers along the noisy, bustling alleys of Little India and Mustafa Centre. That love can steep and stew over an accidental ninety-minute bus journey of epic proportions, starting from a lonely bus terminal at st michael's and ending up right back where we started. Maybe it's been unknowingly inculcated in us to expect the grandiose, the glittering and the glamorous from our relationships. Maybe it's in every k-drama, every love song, every movie that we've watched and unknowingly grown to expect in our own lives. But again and again, you show me that love is both simpler and deeper than that. That it's in your willingness to spend dinnertime explaining the finer aspects of audit work to a completely confused amateur, in your protective shadow hovering right behind me as we navigate the swarming side-alleys of Little India, in your unwavering resolute to stay awake and entertain me on the extremely long bus journey home. And in all these little things, time and time again, I come back to the same conclusion. That God's choice for me is always incomparably good and he will never allow me to doubt Him or you.
We celebrated our 16th monthsary and his 26th birthday this week! With our favourite things like coffee, games, long walks and steaks in abundance! What an amazing journey it has been thus far, ever since the faithful day you made the cheesy comment that I was your cup of tea :) Thank you God for letting our paths cross, for keeping us together and for bringing us forward each and every day. You have made my life the most wonderful adventure ever since you came in. Thank you for leading me, loving me and taking care of me. tous les jours je t'aime. every day I love you.
Today we went for our couple time session with Uncle CS and Aunt PK, and what an eye-opening session it was. Just to have time to sit down and discuss our issues openly, talk about our strength areas, our growth areas and all the future areas of living and working together that we will have, was just really amazing. And I think it's opened my eyes more to who I was, what I am and who I eventually want to become. Right now, I know that I hold back a lot and that I fear a lot. I'm afraid of loss, of being let down, of getting hurt, of giving too much, showing too quickly, being too vulnerable. But Uncle CS is right, that I need to give him a chance, and give us a chance. Because I know he is different,I know that he is chosen, I know that he has never done a thing to let me down. But at times, the fear of the unknown rings really loudly. How will I react when he finally gets into his peak period and is really tied down by all his audit engagements? Will I really be able to cope the way I say I can? Will things turn out the way they used to play out all the time? But I know it will be okay. All it takes it to breakdown the hedge I've built around myself, one part at a time, one day at a time. Step by step, until we reach the finishing point together.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths." //Proverbs 3:5-6 Last night was a truly wonderful time of fellowship with the OL 8 cellies :) I especially loved the fact that we had such a open time of sharing about our struggles and little triumphs, that even though we're nowhere near complete, we're always trusting and trying. And I'm so glad that I got to share the things that are upon my heart as UU moves into a new job and new season and that there are people to pray alongside with me and encourage me. Even though many things may change, I know that the God who brought us together never changes. And He who is faithful to bring us to it will be faithful to bring us through it. We hold on to you and we look to you.
"As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one." //Ephesians 5:31-32
We officially graduated from the marriage prep course today with a celebratory dinner at the SIA sports club! And what an amazing journey it has been, going through the five sessions, tackling the bible studies and homework together, getting to know other couples and hearing their wonderful stories and having opportunities to discuss issues we never thought we would have to deal with as a couple. Over the past five weeks, we've heard and learnt so much from all the couples we've met and I finally understand what people mean when they say that every couple is unique and beautiful and have their own story to tell. My biggest takeaway from the course has been a fresh perspective on just how deep and beautiful the marriage covenant is, that it is akin to the relationship between Jesus Christ and the church. That when you take your marriage vows, it is the beginning of something selfless, sacred and irrevocable, until death. That when you vow to have and to hold from this day forward, there is nothing that should come between these vows; not circumstances, not poverty, not illness, not until death do you part. And while I always knew these words, I never understood how central these vows were to the marriage. That truly on your wedding day, nothing else matters as much as the moment when you stand before man and God, to swear these words to each other. More than that, I've also learnt that the wedding is only the first step to a journey of a lifetime. A lifetime where there will definitely be pain and struggle but also immense joy and companionship. And now, I can begin to understand more of what it actually means to be married. That it will not just be about a lavish wedding or a exotic honeymoon, but it will be about loving God together, doing life together and supporting each other in every way possible. Thank you for beginning this journey with me. I look forward to walking it to the end with you.
"Amazing love how can it be, that you my king would die for me? Amazing love I know it's true; It's my joy to honor you; In all I do I honor you" //Chris Tomlin; Amazing Love Somehow the topic of work has been troubling me for the past two or three months. And while I've been getting by, I also know deep in my heart that I'm not yet digging deep enough, have not yet reached a point where I have complete peace. But God has been good, granting me two wonderful opportunities with weeps and kx to discuss my work situation. I've been really blessed, just to be able to share with them and say what has been eating away at me. And I really took away some wonderful nuggets of truth from my conversations with them. I don't know if this helps anyone else who is going through something difficult but I'll just share them here cos I think it applies to most things in life. First, it doesn't matter that I don't exactly know what I eventually want to be. It's enough that I know that God has placed me here for a purpose. So even if I'm doing something that's super mundane, I should do it with a spirit of excellence, as if I'm working for God and not for man. Bcos this is something that will mould my character and a stone I need to step on in the journey that God is leading me through. Second, my heart attitude plays out in the way that I interact with others and do my work. Do I truly believe that God is in control and He directs my path completely? If so, I will stop worrying about all my fears and my insecurities. Instead, I will do my best at everything I've been given and trust in God that he will allow it to turn out well. I will thank him for the place I've been put in and all the good things I've been given. I will not strive. Third, I will learn as much as I can in the time I've been given. It doesn't matter if there are many working styles, many things that I do not yet know. By God's grace, I will pick up the skills I need so that I can be effective in my calling. Lastly, each and every day I need to start off again with a spirit-filled vision of my work and my calling. Remind myself that I'm not in it for material things but that I'm placed here to do His work, in whatever shape and form that may be. Onward and onward, until we're called home.
"For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength." //1 Corinthians 1:25 I managed to meet KX for brekkie this morning before church and we had a really good meetup session. Now, I really feel like trying out a silent retreat session where there's no way for me to connect with the world and literally the only person I can converse with is God. Time to stop sifting soil and dig deeper. God is all I need, He is more than sufficient and in all my weakness, His strength will be made perfect.
"You call me out upon the waters, the great unknown where feet may fail. And there I find you in the mystery; in oceans deep, My faith will stand." I will call upon Your name, and keep my eyes above the waves; When oceans rise my soul will rest in Your embrace; For I am Yours and You are mine." //Hillsong United; Oceans (Where feet may fail) choosing faith over fear is a choice we need to make everyday. every morning, get up and get down on our knees, saying that there is no other path I'd rather walk, no other way I'd rather live my life, than in the shadow of your beauty, in the majesty of your presence, in the fullness of your grace.
"But you only need the light when it's burning low; Only miss the sun when it starts to snow; Only know you love her when you let her go. Only know you've been high when you're feeling low; Only hate the road when you're missin' home; Only know you love her when you let her go." //Passenger; Let Her Go A once said that in some way, she will always be single, even though she's engaged and getting married next year. I couldn't really understand what she meant when I first heard it. But perhaps now, I'm learning what it means. Learning to be alone again and learning that my happiness is not dependent on a person. Re-discovering my ability to be single when I need to be.
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