"We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him; throwing away all defensive armour. If our hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as the way in which they should break, so be it." //C.S. Lewis; The Four Loves For the past few months, I think waking up was one of the hardest things to do. It was like a sudden jolt to the heart and soul, then the ache would set in and the overwhelming sense of loss and loneliness. Then a thought, how do I go on from here. But you hold the pieces of my heart in your hands. And today, when I woke up, I suddenly felt just a sense of great peace and stillness. Like it would all be okay, I will carry on. And my heart can let go of what it doesn't need in this season and still be complete. Then I thought of you and how you might be doing. And again my defence mechanism rears up without thinking. I focus on the lines drawn, the decisions made, the choice to move on with someone else instead. And always, the reality that as I am hurting, something new has started and will continue between you and someone else. And suddenly, I felt the beginning of release. To be able to say with truthfulness, that I wish you well. In this job that you've always wanted, the studies you've wanted to pursue and this new relationship you have with her. May whatever you go into be more than whatever we've left behind. That your struggle with God will bring forth gold. And then I think, if you have gone on to something new, where does that leave me? I don't think I know yet. But my hand is in his. Lead me to the cross.
in the midst of the CNY visiting and feasting and sharing, you gave me a verse which resonated with me. love the Lord your God with all of your heart, with all of your soul, with all of your strength and with all of your mind. and I was so touched when SS confirmed it by talking about this verse while sharing with me her own journey through heartache and waiting. and I see again your hand in my pain, taking me through the moulding as you are making me more like you.
today HT and I had an hour of spontaneous guitar worship singing the old songs which we remember from so long ago. and in the middle of it, I suddenly remembered the times when you would play your guitar and I would sing along. such precious times, which you later tried to initiate but which I chose to gave up for other things. place this upon my heart Lord, this wonderful closeness with you in spirit. and remind me of it always, in the future, when my heart gets distracted. that drawing close to you was always the main purpose.
"Arise, cry out in the night, as the watches of the night begin; Pour out your heart like water in the presence of the Lord." //Lamentations 2:19 I remember my entire journey with you. From the time of camp d'vine, to joining the new cell group, to the time of waiting and praying, the first meet-up in clarke quay and the long walk to the dessert place, the christmas eve dinner and talk, the three months of seeking and drawing near, the question at ecp and the twenty-one months after. I believe you were with me, every single step of the way. watching and waiting, desiring always for us to realise that we needed to once again draw close to you and make you our centre. and now, I see that you guided us to walk onto separate paths. the new job, the busyness, the times at your place after church, the intense HTHT at ecp, my single-minded stubbornness, the timelines, the disagreements, your decisions, the closure meeting. through it all, I still hold onto the truth that in all things, you work together for the good of those who love you, who have been called according to your purpose. and I do not give up, I do not give in. at the end of it all, I come to you and say that I still believe. believe that I heard you clearly, that you heard my prayers and you came through for me. believe that you have caused things to fall apart because this is part of your plan for us. and even though, my heart hurts and my faith is shaken, I know that you are calling me to come to you again. not to live in fear, but to be bold to ask to hear from you again. for this will be my real victory, that I am not afraid to do your will, even if it means falling down and losing parts of my heart. for what you intend for me, no human hand can ever take it away. and what you do not intend for me, no human hand will ever be able to hold onto it. so let your joy be my strength, be the medicine which heals this broken heart. as a wood-carver chips away at the wood which cannot be used, let my heart be a vessel in your hands and your testing the chipping away of the parts of my heart which do not belong to you. for you see me at the end of my journey. and I trust you are making something beautiful out of me, especially in the fire and the valleys. through it all; love, I still believe in you.
"We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him; throwing away all defensive armour. If our hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as the way in which they should break, so be it." //C.S. Lewis; The Four Loves For the past few months, I think waking up was one of the hardest things to do. It was like a sudden jolt to the heart and soul, then the ache would set in and the overwhelming sense of loss and loneliness. Then a thought, how do I go on from here. But you hold the pieces of my heart in your hands. And today, when I woke up, I suddenly felt just a sense of great peace and stillness. Like it would all be okay, I will carry on. And my heart can let go of what it doesn't need in this season and still be complete. Then I thought of you and how you might be doing. And again my defence mechanism rears up without thinking. I focus on the lines drawn, the decisions made, the choice to move on with someone else instead. And always, the reality that as I am hurting, something new has started and will continue between you and someone else. And suddenly, I felt the beginning of release. To be able to say with truthfulness, that I wish you well. In this job that you've always wanted, the studies you've wanted to pursue and this new relationship you have with her. May whatever you go into be more than whatever we've left behind. That your struggle with God will bring forth gold. And then I think, if you have gone on to something new, where does that leave me? I don't think I know yet. But my hand is in his. Lead me to the cross.
in the midst of the CNY visiting and feasting and sharing, you gave me a verse which resonated with me. love the Lord your God with all of your heart, with all of your soul, with all of your strength and with all of your mind. and I was so touched when SS confirmed it by talking about this verse while sharing with me her own journey through heartache and waiting. and I see again your hand in my pain, taking me through the moulding as you are making me more like you.
today HT and I had an hour of spontaneous guitar worship singing the old songs which we remember from so long ago. and in the middle of it, I suddenly remembered the times when you would play your guitar and I would sing along. such precious times, which you later tried to initiate but which I chose to gave up for other things. place this upon my heart Lord, this wonderful closeness with you in spirit. and remind me of it always, in the future, when my heart gets distracted. that drawing close to you was always the main purpose.
"Arise, cry out in the night, as the watches of the night begin; Pour out your heart like water in the presence of the Lord." //Lamentations 2:19 I remember my entire journey with you. From the time of camp d'vine, to joining the new cell group, to the time of waiting and praying, the first meet-up in clarke quay and the long walk to the dessert place, the christmas eve dinner and talk, the three months of seeking and drawing near, the question at ecp and the twenty-one months after. I believe you were with me, every single step of the way. watching and waiting, desiring always for us to realise that we needed to once again draw close to you and make you our centre. and now, I see that you guided us to walk onto separate paths. the new job, the busyness, the times at your place after church, the intense HTHT at ecp, my single-minded stubbornness, the timelines, the disagreements, your decisions, the closure meeting. through it all, I still hold onto the truth that in all things, you work together for the good of those who love you, who have been called according to your purpose. and I do not give up, I do not give in. at the end of it all, I come to you and say that I still believe. believe that I heard you clearly, that you heard my prayers and you came through for me. believe that you have caused things to fall apart because this is part of your plan for us. and even though, my heart hurts and my faith is shaken, I know that you are calling me to come to you again. not to live in fear, but to be bold to ask to hear from you again. for this will be my real victory, that I am not afraid to do your will, even if it means falling down and losing parts of my heart. for what you intend for me, no human hand can ever take it away. and what you do not intend for me, no human hand will ever be able to hold onto it. so let your joy be my strength, be the medicine which heals this broken heart. as a wood-carver chips away at the wood which cannot be used, let my heart be a vessel in your hands and your testing the chipping away of the parts of my heart which do not belong to you. for you see me at the end of my journey. and I trust you are making something beautiful out of me, especially in the fire and the valleys. through it all; love, I still believe in you.
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