"Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is that quiet voice at the end of the day that says... I will try again tomorrow."
//Mary Anne Radmacher; Lean Forward into Your Life
I just realised that the whole journey from then to here took about six years. Six years of ups and downs, of searching and seeking, running and hiding. But today I was standing in front of the altar and I realised that here is where I want to be. That nothing will ever be as important as finding my way to his heart. For only one thing is needed, she has chosen what is better and it will not be taken away from her.
"When sleep finally comes, I dream that I’m in Siorapaluk. There are several of us children lying on the bed. We’ve been telling stories and now the others have fallen asleep. Only my voice is left. I hear it from outside myself, it’s trying to keep on going. But at last it staggers, wobbles, falls to its knees, spreads out its arms, and allows itself to be gathered up in a net of dreams."
//Peter Hoeg; Miss Smilla's Sense of Snow
sometimes, you're just impatient for things to get better. sometimes, you can't stand waiting, waiting for the end of the journey to become clear, so that you understand everything you went through. sometimes, you just feel weak and you step out of what you've allowed yourself, just for a moment, just for a peek. in times like these, thankyou for telling me again that it is not, never was, our fault.
"And bam! The shine's off the apple. And that's when you find out that that pretty little girl you married isn't a pretty little girl at all. No, she's a man-eater. And I'm not talking about the "whoa-whoa-whoa, here she comes" kind of man-eater. I'm talking about the kind that uses your dignity as a dishtowel to wipe up any shreds of manhood that might be stuck inside the sink. Of course, I may have tormented her from time to time; but, honest to God, that's what I thought marriage was all about. So much so that, by the end of that relationship, I honestly don't know who I hated more - her or me? I used to sit around and wonder... why our friends weren't trying to destroy each other, like we were. And here, it turns out, the answer's pretty simple: They weren't unhappy. We were."
//Dr Cox; Scrubs S1E15 My Bed Banter and Beyond
I've realised that it's not hard to give people advice when the going gets tough for them. It's harder to genuinely wish them the best when things are going well for them. I'm learning but Lord, sometimes it's a steep learning curve.
"Well, let it pass, he thought; April is over, April is over. There are all kinds of love in the world, but never the same love twice."
//F. Scott Fitzgerald; The Short Stories of F. Scott Fitzgerald
why do people hold onto things that hurt them? why do they hold pain in their hands, allowing it to prick and puncture their flesh, so that it creates holes in the universe, gaps in who they are. so that they can't speak, can't breathe, can't get up because it is holding them down, twisting, clawing and clenching, gnawing at them from the inside out. it is curious sometimes, how the memory of love can linger on so much longer than the living, breathing love that produced these memories. how these memories slip in at the most inopportune moments, so that you have to get up where you fall down and start all over again. it's okay, it's okay, it will be okay.
"In those predawn hours, which are the toughest for insomaniacs, Melony would whisper, “Fifteen years.” And just before she would fall asleep, she would ask of the first flat light, that cracked into her bedroom, “Are you still there Sunshine?” What is hardest to accept about the passage of time is that the people who once mattered the most to us are wrapped in parentheses."
//John Irving; The Cider House Rules
I enjoy talking to people that I haven't spoken to in a while, to sit down in a quiet place and share our lives, who we are and how we came to be. Sometimes I play games to get people to speak about everything that they are and everything that they want to be. The things that always touch me are our youthful naviete, the sheer weight of our loves, hopes and dreams. And the feeling that struck me this past week is that I'm so glad to be where I am. That I have a chance to study law, that I have made good friends in the course of my university life, that I have found where I want to be for a season of my life. Perhaps I imagined myself to have wandered into this course by chance, but now I know it is where I want to be. That there is a purpose for me in this. And I'm not letting go of this chance any more. Full steam ahead next term!
"Afterward, when the firing ended, they would blink and peek up. They would touch their bodies, feeling shame, then quickly hiding it. They would force themselves to stand. As if in slow motion, frame by frame, the world would take on the old logic-absolute silence, then the wind, then sunlight, then voices. It was the burden of being alive. Awkwardly, the men would reassemble themselves, first in private, then in groups, becoming soldiers again. They would repair the leaks in their eyes. They would check for casualties, call in dust-offs, light cigarettes, try to smile, clear their throats and spit and begin cleaning their weapons."
//Tim O' Brien; The Things They Carried
I love this song that has been playing over and over again recently. For some reason, I think this song matches the mood of the war stories in Tim O' Brien's novel. His novel of short stories is so funny, so tragic and so touching all at the same time. I will never understand the pain of the men and women who go through wars, but for their sake, I hope that all those who do will come back safe.
"Fear of others will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord will be kept safe."
//Proverbs 29:25
After all, it was a loaded question. I knew it and yet I could not back out of it. But in the end, what hurt me the most wasn't that I couldn't defend who I am well enough to square it with myself. What hurt me the most was that secretly we knew, we knew, even without anyone saying anything that I and all the others who stood for what I did were fools in their eyes. I have no idea why it bothers me so much when it should already be clear to me that what I stand for is a foolish thing in most people's eyes, especially the people reading law. Even if the harmless names and ribbing doesn't bother me, I can't help the anger and pain at knowing that some people probably do see us as undeniably stupid. I can't do anything to change your mind and I won't attempt to do that. I need to dust off my knees and get up where I fall. It's a long, long journey till I find my way back to you.
"Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is that quiet voice at the end of the day that says... I will try again tomorrow."
//Mary Anne Radmacher; Lean Forward into Your Life
I just realised that the whole journey from then to here took about six years. Six years of ups and downs, of searching and seeking, running and hiding. But today I was standing in front of the altar and I realised that here is where I want to be. That nothing will ever be as important as finding my way to his heart. For only one thing is needed, she has chosen what is better and it will not be taken away from her.
"When sleep finally comes, I dream that I’m in Siorapaluk. There are several of us children lying on the bed. We’ve been telling stories and now the others have fallen asleep. Only my voice is left. I hear it from outside myself, it’s trying to keep on going. But at last it staggers, wobbles, falls to its knees, spreads out its arms, and allows itself to be gathered up in a net of dreams."
//Peter Hoeg; Miss Smilla's Sense of Snow
sometimes, you're just impatient for things to get better. sometimes, you can't stand waiting, waiting for the end of the journey to become clear, so that you understand everything you went through. sometimes, you just feel weak and you step out of what you've allowed yourself, just for a moment, just for a peek. in times like these, thankyou for telling me again that it is not, never was, our fault.
"And bam! The shine's off the apple. And that's when you find out that that pretty little girl you married isn't a pretty little girl at all. No, she's a man-eater. And I'm not talking about the "whoa-whoa-whoa, here she comes" kind of man-eater. I'm talking about the kind that uses your dignity as a dishtowel to wipe up any shreds of manhood that might be stuck inside the sink. Of course, I may have tormented her from time to time; but, honest to God, that's what I thought marriage was all about. So much so that, by the end of that relationship, I honestly don't know who I hated more - her or me? I used to sit around and wonder... why our friends weren't trying to destroy each other, like we were. And here, it turns out, the answer's pretty simple: They weren't unhappy. We were."
//Dr Cox; Scrubs S1E15 My Bed Banter and Beyond
I've realised that it's not hard to give people advice when the going gets tough for them. It's harder to genuinely wish them the best when things are going well for them. I'm learning but Lord, sometimes it's a steep learning curve.
"Well, let it pass, he thought; April is over, April is over. There are all kinds of love in the world, but never the same love twice."
//F. Scott Fitzgerald; The Short Stories of F. Scott Fitzgerald
why do people hold onto things that hurt them? why do they hold pain in their hands, allowing it to prick and puncture their flesh, so that it creates holes in the universe, gaps in who they are. so that they can't speak, can't breathe, can't get up because it is holding them down, twisting, clawing and clenching, gnawing at them from the inside out. it is curious sometimes, how the memory of love can linger on so much longer than the living, breathing love that produced these memories. how these memories slip in at the most inopportune moments, so that you have to get up where you fall down and start all over again. it's okay, it's okay, it will be okay.
"In those predawn hours, which are the toughest for insomaniacs, Melony would whisper, “Fifteen years.” And just before she would fall asleep, she would ask of the first flat light, that cracked into her bedroom, “Are you still there Sunshine?” What is hardest to accept about the passage of time is that the people who once mattered the most to us are wrapped in parentheses."
//John Irving; The Cider House Rules
I enjoy talking to people that I haven't spoken to in a while, to sit down in a quiet place and share our lives, who we are and how we came to be. Sometimes I play games to get people to speak about everything that they are and everything that they want to be. The things that always touch me are our youthful naviete, the sheer weight of our loves, hopes and dreams. And the feeling that struck me this past week is that I'm so glad to be where I am. That I have a chance to study law, that I have made good friends in the course of my university life, that I have found where I want to be for a season of my life. Perhaps I imagined myself to have wandered into this course by chance, but now I know it is where I want to be. That there is a purpose for me in this. And I'm not letting go of this chance any more. Full steam ahead next term!
"Afterward, when the firing ended, they would blink and peek up. They would touch their bodies, feeling shame, then quickly hiding it. They would force themselves to stand. As if in slow motion, frame by frame, the world would take on the old logic-absolute silence, then the wind, then sunlight, then voices. It was the burden of being alive. Awkwardly, the men would reassemble themselves, first in private, then in groups, becoming soldiers again. They would repair the leaks in their eyes. They would check for casualties, call in dust-offs, light cigarettes, try to smile, clear their throats and spit and begin cleaning their weapons."
//Tim O' Brien; The Things They Carried
I love this song that has been playing over and over again recently. For some reason, I think this song matches the mood of the war stories in Tim O' Brien's novel. His novel of short stories is so funny, so tragic and so touching all at the same time. I will never understand the pain of the men and women who go through wars, but for their sake, I hope that all those who do will come back safe.
"Fear of others will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord will be kept safe."
//Proverbs 29:25
After all, it was a loaded question. I knew it and yet I could not back out of it. But in the end, what hurt me the most wasn't that I couldn't defend who I am well enough to square it with myself. What hurt me the most was that secretly we knew, we knew, even without anyone saying anything that I and all the others who stood for what I did were fools in their eyes. I have no idea why it bothers me so much when it should already be clear to me that what I stand for is a foolish thing in most people's eyes, especially the people reading law. Even if the harmless names and ribbing doesn't bother me, I can't help the anger and pain at knowing that some people probably do see us as undeniably stupid. I can't do anything to change your mind and I won't attempt to do that. I need to dust off my knees and get up where I fall. It's a long, long journey till I find my way back to you.
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