"Jesus draw me ever nearer, As I labour through the storm. You have called me to this passage, and I'll follow, though I'm worn. May this journey bring a blessing, May I rise on wings of faith; And at the end of my heart's testing, With your likeness let me wake. Jesus guide me through the tempest; Keep my spirit staid and sure. And when the midnight meets the morning Let me love You even more. And my this journey bring a blessing, May I rise on wings of faith; And at the end of my heart's testing, With your likeness let me wake. And let the treasures of the trial Form within me as I go - And at the end of this long passage, Let me leave them at your throne." //Keith & Kristyn Getty; Jesus Draw Me Ever Nearer
"I am sure that God keeps no one waiting unless he sees that it is good for him to wait." //C.S. Lewis Haha I was just sharing with my sisters that I really face such a dilemma sometimes. Some days, I cannot wait to move into a new season of my life with all the attendant excitement and planning and joy and all the agaeghalkghaef! But some days, I just feel some an overwhelming sadness to know that when the time comes, I will really have to leave some things behind. Ahh, this is probably my season of life now, waiting again haha. But definitely waiting with joy, waiting with peace, waiting with as much stillness as I can muster :)
"For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength." //1 Corinthians 1:25 I managed to meet KX for brekkie this morning before church and we had a really good meetup session. Now, I really feel like trying out a silent retreat session where there's no way for me to connect with the world and literally the only person I can converse with is God. Time to stop sifting soil and dig deeper. God is all I need, He is more than sufficient and in all my weakness, His strength will be made perfect.
"You call me out upon the waters, the great unknown where feet may fail. And there I find you in the mystery; in oceans deep, My faith will stand." I will call upon Your name, and keep my eyes above the waves; When oceans rise my soul will rest in Your embrace; For I am Yours and You are mine." //Hillsong United; Oceans (Where feet may fail) choosing faith over fear is a choice we need to make everyday. every morning, get up and get down on our knees, saying that there is no other path I'd rather walk, no other way I'd rather live my life, than in the shadow of your beauty, in the majesty of your presence, in the fullness of your grace.
"Our greatest fear should not be of failure but of succeeding at things in life that don't really matter.” //Francis Chan; Crazy Love Upon touching down in SG during the early morning hours of Saturday, I was picked up by my boyfriend and he told me that he just found out one of his best friends has just been diagnosed with acute leukaemia. His friend had been having a persistent fever for the past week or so and he finally checked into hospital, suspecting that it may be dengue. Unfortunately, it turned out to be something far far more serious. Because the condition is acute, he has had to be warded and he will start chemotherapy in a few days' time. We visited him in hospital that night and it was kinda surreal to step into the ward and see all the IV drips and needles stuck into his arms. And I think the sheer suddenness and seriousness of this whole thing has really made us stop in our tracks and re-consider for a moment where our priorities are. More and more, I've come to realise, that our life on earth is really just one small square of a beautiful tapestry that stretches on and on into eternity, and it doesn't make any sense at all to be wholly consumed about making this small square so pretty when there is so much more ahead of me. That sometimes, the things that I esteem and hold as so important, may not really be that crucial in God's eyes. Does God really care how well I dress? Does He care about how many bags and clothes I own, what type of shoes I put on, what kind of makeup I put on my face? Does He fuss about how successful I am at work, how much money I earn? Or does He look straight into my heart and see completely what type of person I am, what kind of things I prioritize in my life? And when he sees straight into my heart, when he looks at the bits and pieces that make up my life, will He be pleased with what I have done? Will he say, well done good and faithful servant, you have fought the good fight, finished the race and kept the faith? Will he see that I have invested my life in touching people, making disciples of His, being broken for the things that he was broken for? I don't know if he will. And that scares me. Enough to want to come into his presence again and ask him to re-calibrate my heart, to re-focus my eyes to be fixed on the Cross. To be willing, always willing to do what he has called me to do.
"You are the Rock on which I stand; By Your grace it is well. My hope is sure in Christ my saviour; It is well with my soul." //It is well with my soul; Hillsong Chapel Live Perhaps you saw me when I began this journey six years ago. When I didn't know anything about how this worked, when I didn't know where the end point was, when all I could do was feel my way down along this path. Along the way, I made so many mistakes, fell down and scrapped my knees over and over again. But you were always patient, always waiting for me to catch up to you. And sometimes, I have to admit that the going was really tough. To go through the breaking, the healing, the relentless re-moulding. Then to receive your promise and understand that walking in alignment with your plans was what you intended from the start. Not that everything fell together straight away. And as I built my room of waiting and waited for the morning, there were many times of discouragement and disappointment. That a lot of times, it felt like it was just me and you. The only who understood all my struggles, who walked with me through all my ups and downs, who knew why I was holding on, no way of letting go. And then in your wonderful timing, you cause all things to come together. That while I was unaware, you were moving behind the scenes to fulfil your promise to me, to show me the fullness of all that you are. To remind me that you are the Rock on which I stand. In you, I have everything that I need. So thank you for bringing us to each other, for leading us thus far. Thank you for every conversation that we've had, every past hurt that we've shared, every hope and dream that we're looking forward to. Help us to commit every thing into your hands and trust that you will move us forward in your timing. May whatever that we do honour and glorify you. I place my heart in your hands, the safest that it could ever be. And I ask that you keep it there until someone who is worthy to share it comes along. It's never gonna be easy, but I know this time it will be worth it.
"The Lord is my strength and my shield. My heart trusted in Him and I am helped; Therefore my heart greatly rejoices and with my song I will praise Him. The Lord is their strength and He is the saving refuge of His anointed." Psalm 28:7-8 I think it's true that in the end it's about making a choice to love and to commit. To realise that one day, there will come a time when the euphoria and the emotions have passed and then it will be about loving and accepting the person that you commit to. So that love is not just all about the feelings, but it is also a decision. A conscious decision to stand by and take fully all that the person is and deciding that your commitment to each other will not change, no matter what, come what may. At this point, give it time, give it space and be still for a spell. So that when it's time to walk that way, we want to walk it well.
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains; Hope that doesn't ever end; Even when the sky is falling, I've seen miracles just happen; Silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new; That's what faith can do." //Kutless; What faith can do My favourite line in this whole song is, life is so much more than what your eyes are seeing. Because I've learnt how true that is this past six months. That when I was in anguish, when I was so confused, when I thought I couldn't take another step forward, all along you were holding my hand and bringing me forward. Even as we are on the threshold of a brand new year, I want to declare that great is your faithfulness oh Lord, because your mercies are new every morning, we are never consumed. Hold me, lead me, guide me as I move forward in this journey with you.
"But He knows the way that I take; When He has tested me, I shall come forth as gold. My foot has held fast to His steps;
I have kept His way and not turned aside." //Job 23:10 (NKJV Version) At the end of the book of Job, I thought this was the most touching thing that I read. That in the midst of all his pain and suffering, where he cried out to God but was not heard, he said from his heart, though I do not see God when I go to the different ends of the earth, God knows the way that I take and when He has tested me, I will come forth as gold in His eyes. Job is a difficult book to grapple with. It is not easy to answer the question of why there is senseless human tragedy and even harder, to come to terms with the reasons why God does not always show us the full picture. But there is one important takeaway for me; that there are no simple answers to life's complex questions. And sometimes, asking God to give us a simple answer is to ask the ridiculous. Even before He gives us an answer, he would ask us for our qualifications and we would not meet even one of his standards. But more importantly, I think the last few chapters of Job where God answers him from the storm is God telling us not to argue with Him but to trust in Him instead. To show us that we are His, not the other way around. To show us that a life lived by faith in His goodness is the only life worth living. To remind us that in all things, He works for the good of those who love him. And I think this is something that I need to hear right now. To recognise again that my God is for me, He knows me even when I do not see Him, even when I do not understand what He is bringing me through. All I ask is that I will have the same grace as Job under fire, that I can say, when you have tested me, I will come forth as gold.
"Inside me, there is an organ more important than my heart. Although you can’t see it, I feel it going right through my head and down to my legs, and I know that it exists inside me. It’s the one that lets me stand up and walk forward. So that I can walk forward, without ever trembling. If I stopped here I feel like it would break … My soul would break. Even more than if my heart stops beating, to me that is the most important. Even if I become senile and my back gets bent, I still have to walk forward."
//Sorachi Hideaki; Gintama
Sometimes it seems that people will never change. That they'll always be selfish, immature, irresponsible, causing hurt and pain wherever they go. But I know that there is one who knows better, who sees all that we can be for him. So trust and keep praying. He will turn things around for all of us. It will not stay the same forever.
"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. Therefore, do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
//2 Corinthians 4: 7-9, 16, 18
Today there was a post that went viral on FB within a few hours but eventually was removed. And it provoked a conversation between my sister and I; and I was moved to hear such wise words from her. There will always be a strong reaction. You will either love it or hate it, there is rarely a lukewarm reaction because it was always meant to be this way. The important thing is that You allowed it to happen.
So, today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your heart.
10 February 2012
;22:43 "I feel like my life is so scattered right now. Like it’s all the small pieces of paper and someone’s turned on the fan. But, talking to you makes me feel like the fan’s been turned off for a little bit. Like things could actually make sense. You completely unscatter me, and I appreciate that so much."
//John Green; Will Grayson, Will Grayson
Hmm, I still think that I'm a person of milestones. And when I've reached that milestone, it's a bit frustrating to have someone tell you that by the way, you're not there yet, please finish up this last thing before it's all done. As CX said, I finished my 2.4km run awesomely to the best of my ability, came to the finish line, only to have someone say, oh you're duty-bound do this extra two more rounds before we can count this as officially finished. But all the complaining aside, I know that I'm extremely blessed to have this opportunity to go there and show others what we've done for the last six months so thank you for giving it to me.
Even if it's just two more rounds, I will do my best.
"I think some love you can stand to let go of because it’s ultimately for the best, but other types you have to stick with until the day you die even when it’s hard.You have to think about that before you run away from wherever you are."
//Nick Burd; The Vast Fields of Ordinary
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight. Until the darkness turns to light and all our hopes come to pass, give me the strength I need to hold onto your promises. One done, two more to conquer.
"There is a point at which everything becomes simple and there is no longer any question of choice, because all you have staked will be lost if you look back. Life’s point of no return."
//Dag Hammarskjöld
It almost feels like waking up from a difficult dream to find that everything was hurled out of place and then re-arranged. Not exactly where you yourself would have placed them if you could have, but arranged in the way that it always should have been. And it's all such a mess of confusion and decisions and excitement and fear, that when you finally get the time to sit down and think about the craziness of it all, I'm just really glad that it's all over. And thankful that at every step of the way, you met me more than halfway.
That you gave me people who stuck it out with me at coffee joints and fastfood places, people who stayed with me into the late nights and early mornings, people who willingly carried me through the sometimes sheer awfulness of it all. I understand that you can't explain everything to everybody, and that sometimes it's enough that those who get it do, but all the same, I know that I've learnt so much through it all. Even now I don't know for sure what lies ahead or how I'm going to make it through the rest of the way, but I know that I will always be safe when you've got my back.
"I'm a big one for assimilation of everybody. But the basic problems remain the same. People still have existential anxiety, relationship anxiety. It just may not be expressed in Hebraic idiom." //Woody Allen; New York Magazine 40th Anniversary Feature
When the noise around you gets too loud, run back to the place of stillness. The place of safety, where you will be encouraged and loved, where you will find what you need. I know sometimes it's not easy for us to get together and stay together, but last night was everything I enjoy about who we are and I was really touched by the encouragement and the prayers. Now to stand firm and see the deliverance of the Lord.
9 July 2011
;00:31 "And Abraham called the name of that place Jehovah-jireh [that is, The Lord will provide]; as it is said to this day, "In the mount of the Lord it shall be seen.".
//Genesis 22:14 (NKJV Version)
But go and learn what this means. He is Jehovah Jireh, Yahweh Yireh, the one who supplies all my needs according to His riches in glory. He has seen and He will provide. Again and again. What else have I to fear?
"What no person has a right to do is to delude others into the belief that faith is something of no great significance, or that it is an easy matter, whereas it is the greatest and most difficult of all things."
//Søren Kierkegaard via John Irving; A Prayer for Owen Meany
I know that you cannot explain everything to everyone in the way that they want to or need to hear it. And I know that some answers will never satisfy those who are looking for something that even they cannot explain. But a lot of times it strikes home for me. Especially when I'm faced with the question of people asking, ultimately what do you want out of life? And I think Fanny Crosby put it really nicely centuries ago. Simply, that when my spirit clothed immortal; wings its flight through realms of day;
This my song through endless ages; Jesus led me all the way.
"While Jeremiah was still confined in the courtyard of the guard, the word of the LORD came to him a second time: "This is what the LORD says, he who made the earth, the LORD who formed it and established it — the LORD is his name. 'Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.'"
//Jeremiah 33:1-3 (NIV)
I will abide in you and no one else. For my strength is in you and you only. You make my feet like the feet of deer and you enable me to go on the heights. So that when the test comes, I will not have to hide my fear and my pain. I will be open and come before you and place all my hurt, pain and disappointment at the altar. For what I have placed at the altar, I can also take back. But this time, I'm not going to. This time, I'm not looking back.
"Fear of others will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord will be kept safe."
//Proverbs 29:25
After all, it was a loaded question. I knew it and yet I could not back out of it. But in the end, what hurt me the most wasn't that I couldn't defend who I am well enough to square it with myself. What hurt me the most was that secretly we knew, we knew, even without anyone saying anything that I and all the others who stood for what I did were fools in their eyes. I have no idea why it bothers me so much when it should already be clear to me that what I stand for is a foolish thing in most people's eyes, especially the people reading law. Even if the harmless names and ribbing doesn't bother me, I can't help the anger and pain at knowing that some people probably do see us as undeniably stupid. I can't do anything to change your mind and I won't attempt to do that. I need to dust off my knees and get up where I fall. It's a long, long journey till I find my way back to you.
"Jesus draw me ever nearer, As I labour through the storm. You have called me to this passage, and I'll follow, though I'm worn. May this journey bring a blessing, May I rise on wings of faith; And at the end of my heart's testing, With your likeness let me wake. Jesus guide me through the tempest; Keep my spirit staid and sure. And when the midnight meets the morning Let me love You even more. And my this journey bring a blessing, May I rise on wings of faith; And at the end of my heart's testing, With your likeness let me wake. And let the treasures of the trial Form within me as I go - And at the end of this long passage, Let me leave them at your throne." //Keith & Kristyn Getty; Jesus Draw Me Ever Nearer
"I am sure that God keeps no one waiting unless he sees that it is good for him to wait." //C.S. Lewis Haha I was just sharing with my sisters that I really face such a dilemma sometimes. Some days, I cannot wait to move into a new season of my life with all the attendant excitement and planning and joy and all the agaeghalkghaef! But some days, I just feel some an overwhelming sadness to know that when the time comes, I will really have to leave some things behind. Ahh, this is probably my season of life now, waiting again haha. But definitely waiting with joy, waiting with peace, waiting with as much stillness as I can muster :)
"For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength." //1 Corinthians 1:25 I managed to meet KX for brekkie this morning before church and we had a really good meetup session. Now, I really feel like trying out a silent retreat session where there's no way for me to connect with the world and literally the only person I can converse with is God. Time to stop sifting soil and dig deeper. God is all I need, He is more than sufficient and in all my weakness, His strength will be made perfect.
"You call me out upon the waters, the great unknown where feet may fail. And there I find you in the mystery; in oceans deep, My faith will stand." I will call upon Your name, and keep my eyes above the waves; When oceans rise my soul will rest in Your embrace; For I am Yours and You are mine." //Hillsong United; Oceans (Where feet may fail) choosing faith over fear is a choice we need to make everyday. every morning, get up and get down on our knees, saying that there is no other path I'd rather walk, no other way I'd rather live my life, than in the shadow of your beauty, in the majesty of your presence, in the fullness of your grace.
"Our greatest fear should not be of failure but of succeeding at things in life that don't really matter.” //Francis Chan; Crazy Love Upon touching down in SG during the early morning hours of Saturday, I was picked up by my boyfriend and he told me that he just found out one of his best friends has just been diagnosed with acute leukaemia. His friend had been having a persistent fever for the past week or so and he finally checked into hospital, suspecting that it may be dengue. Unfortunately, it turned out to be something far far more serious. Because the condition is acute, he has had to be warded and he will start chemotherapy in a few days' time. We visited him in hospital that night and it was kinda surreal to step into the ward and see all the IV drips and needles stuck into his arms. And I think the sheer suddenness and seriousness of this whole thing has really made us stop in our tracks and re-consider for a moment where our priorities are. More and more, I've come to realise, that our life on earth is really just one small square of a beautiful tapestry that stretches on and on into eternity, and it doesn't make any sense at all to be wholly consumed about making this small square so pretty when there is so much more ahead of me. That sometimes, the things that I esteem and hold as so important, may not really be that crucial in God's eyes. Does God really care how well I dress? Does He care about how many bags and clothes I own, what type of shoes I put on, what kind of makeup I put on my face? Does He fuss about how successful I am at work, how much money I earn? Or does He look straight into my heart and see completely what type of person I am, what kind of things I prioritize in my life? And when he sees straight into my heart, when he looks at the bits and pieces that make up my life, will He be pleased with what I have done? Will he say, well done good and faithful servant, you have fought the good fight, finished the race and kept the faith? Will he see that I have invested my life in touching people, making disciples of His, being broken for the things that he was broken for? I don't know if he will. And that scares me. Enough to want to come into his presence again and ask him to re-calibrate my heart, to re-focus my eyes to be fixed on the Cross. To be willing, always willing to do what he has called me to do.
"You are the Rock on which I stand; By Your grace it is well. My hope is sure in Christ my saviour; It is well with my soul." //It is well with my soul; Hillsong Chapel Live Perhaps you saw me when I began this journey six years ago. When I didn't know anything about how this worked, when I didn't know where the end point was, when all I could do was feel my way down along this path. Along the way, I made so many mistakes, fell down and scrapped my knees over and over again. But you were always patient, always waiting for me to catch up to you. And sometimes, I have to admit that the going was really tough. To go through the breaking, the healing, the relentless re-moulding. Then to receive your promise and understand that walking in alignment with your plans was what you intended from the start. Not that everything fell together straight away. And as I built my room of waiting and waited for the morning, there were many times of discouragement and disappointment. That a lot of times, it felt like it was just me and you. The only who understood all my struggles, who walked with me through all my ups and downs, who knew why I was holding on, no way of letting go. And then in your wonderful timing, you cause all things to come together. That while I was unaware, you were moving behind the scenes to fulfil your promise to me, to show me the fullness of all that you are. To remind me that you are the Rock on which I stand. In you, I have everything that I need. So thank you for bringing us to each other, for leading us thus far. Thank you for every conversation that we've had, every past hurt that we've shared, every hope and dream that we're looking forward to. Help us to commit every thing into your hands and trust that you will move us forward in your timing. May whatever that we do honour and glorify you. I place my heart in your hands, the safest that it could ever be. And I ask that you keep it there until someone who is worthy to share it comes along. It's never gonna be easy, but I know this time it will be worth it.
"The Lord is my strength and my shield. My heart trusted in Him and I am helped; Therefore my heart greatly rejoices and with my song I will praise Him. The Lord is their strength and He is the saving refuge of His anointed." Psalm 28:7-8 I think it's true that in the end it's about making a choice to love and to commit. To realise that one day, there will come a time when the euphoria and the emotions have passed and then it will be about loving and accepting the person that you commit to. So that love is not just all about the feelings, but it is also a decision. A conscious decision to stand by and take fully all that the person is and deciding that your commitment to each other will not change, no matter what, come what may. At this point, give it time, give it space and be still for a spell. So that when it's time to walk that way, we want to walk it well.
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains; Hope that doesn't ever end; Even when the sky is falling, I've seen miracles just happen; Silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new; That's what faith can do." //Kutless; What faith can do My favourite line in this whole song is, life is so much more than what your eyes are seeing. Because I've learnt how true that is this past six months. That when I was in anguish, when I was so confused, when I thought I couldn't take another step forward, all along you were holding my hand and bringing me forward. Even as we are on the threshold of a brand new year, I want to declare that great is your faithfulness oh Lord, because your mercies are new every morning, we are never consumed. Hold me, lead me, guide me as I move forward in this journey with you.
"But He knows the way that I take; When He has tested me, I shall come forth as gold. My foot has held fast to His steps;
I have kept His way and not turned aside." //Job 23:10 (NKJV Version) At the end of the book of Job, I thought this was the most touching thing that I read. That in the midst of all his pain and suffering, where he cried out to God but was not heard, he said from his heart, though I do not see God when I go to the different ends of the earth, God knows the way that I take and when He has tested me, I will come forth as gold in His eyes. Job is a difficult book to grapple with. It is not easy to answer the question of why there is senseless human tragedy and even harder, to come to terms with the reasons why God does not always show us the full picture. But there is one important takeaway for me; that there are no simple answers to life's complex questions. And sometimes, asking God to give us a simple answer is to ask the ridiculous. Even before He gives us an answer, he would ask us for our qualifications and we would not meet even one of his standards. But more importantly, I think the last few chapters of Job where God answers him from the storm is God telling us not to argue with Him but to trust in Him instead. To show us that we are His, not the other way around. To show us that a life lived by faith in His goodness is the only life worth living. To remind us that in all things, He works for the good of those who love him. And I think this is something that I need to hear right now. To recognise again that my God is for me, He knows me even when I do not see Him, even when I do not understand what He is bringing me through. All I ask is that I will have the same grace as Job under fire, that I can say, when you have tested me, I will come forth as gold.
"Inside me, there is an organ more important than my heart. Although you can’t see it, I feel it going right through my head and down to my legs, and I know that it exists inside me. It’s the one that lets me stand up and walk forward. So that I can walk forward, without ever trembling. If I stopped here I feel like it would break … My soul would break. Even more than if my heart stops beating, to me that is the most important. Even if I become senile and my back gets bent, I still have to walk forward."
//Sorachi Hideaki; Gintama
Sometimes it seems that people will never change. That they'll always be selfish, immature, irresponsible, causing hurt and pain wherever they go. But I know that there is one who knows better, who sees all that we can be for him. So trust and keep praying. He will turn things around for all of us. It will not stay the same forever.
"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. Therefore, do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
//2 Corinthians 4: 7-9, 16, 18
Today there was a post that went viral on FB within a few hours but eventually was removed. And it provoked a conversation between my sister and I; and I was moved to hear such wise words from her. There will always be a strong reaction. You will either love it or hate it, there is rarely a lukewarm reaction because it was always meant to be this way. The important thing is that You allowed it to happen.
So, today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your heart.
"I feel like my life is so scattered right now. Like it’s all the small pieces of paper and someone’s turned on the fan. But, talking to you makes me feel like the fan’s been turned off for a little bit. Like things could actually make sense. You completely unscatter me, and I appreciate that so much."
//John Green; Will Grayson, Will Grayson
Hmm, I still think that I'm a person of milestones. And when I've reached that milestone, it's a bit frustrating to have someone tell you that by the way, you're not there yet, please finish up this last thing before it's all done. As CX said, I finished my 2.4km run awesomely to the best of my ability, came to the finish line, only to have someone say, oh you're duty-bound do this extra two more rounds before we can count this as officially finished. But all the complaining aside, I know that I'm extremely blessed to have this opportunity to go there and show others what we've done for the last six months so thank you for giving it to me.
Even if it's just two more rounds, I will do my best.
"I think some love you can stand to let go of because it’s ultimately for the best, but other types you have to stick with until the day you die even when it’s hard.You have to think about that before you run away from wherever you are."
//Nick Burd; The Vast Fields of Ordinary
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight. Until the darkness turns to light and all our hopes come to pass, give me the strength I need to hold onto your promises. One done, two more to conquer.
"There is a point at which everything becomes simple and there is no longer any question of choice, because all you have staked will be lost if you look back. Life’s point of no return."
//Dag Hammarskjöld
It almost feels like waking up from a difficult dream to find that everything was hurled out of place and then re-arranged. Not exactly where you yourself would have placed them if you could have, but arranged in the way that it always should have been. And it's all such a mess of confusion and decisions and excitement and fear, that when you finally get the time to sit down and think about the craziness of it all, I'm just really glad that it's all over. And thankful that at every step of the way, you met me more than halfway.
That you gave me people who stuck it out with me at coffee joints and fastfood places, people who stayed with me into the late nights and early mornings, people who willingly carried me through the sometimes sheer awfulness of it all. I understand that you can't explain everything to everybody, and that sometimes it's enough that those who get it do, but all the same, I know that I've learnt so much through it all. Even now I don't know for sure what lies ahead or how I'm going to make it through the rest of the way, but I know that I will always be safe when you've got my back.
"I'm a big one for assimilation of everybody. But the basic problems remain the same. People still have existential anxiety, relationship anxiety. It just may not be expressed in Hebraic idiom." //Woody Allen; New York Magazine 40th Anniversary Feature
When the noise around you gets too loud, run back to the place of stillness. The place of safety, where you will be encouraged and loved, where you will find what you need. I know sometimes it's not easy for us to get together and stay together, but last night was everything I enjoy about who we are and I was really touched by the encouragement and the prayers. Now to stand firm and see the deliverance of the Lord.
"And Abraham called the name of that place Jehovah-jireh [that is, The Lord will provide]; as it is said to this day, "In the mount of the Lord it shall be seen.".
//Genesis 22:14 (NKJV Version)
But go and learn what this means. He is Jehovah Jireh, Yahweh Yireh, the one who supplies all my needs according to His riches in glory. He has seen and He will provide. Again and again. What else have I to fear?
"What no person has a right to do is to delude others into the belief that faith is something of no great significance, or that it is an easy matter, whereas it is the greatest and most difficult of all things."
//Søren Kierkegaard via John Irving; A Prayer for Owen Meany
I know that you cannot explain everything to everyone in the way that they want to or need to hear it. And I know that some answers will never satisfy those who are looking for something that even they cannot explain. But a lot of times it strikes home for me. Especially when I'm faced with the question of people asking, ultimately what do you want out of life? And I think Fanny Crosby put it really nicely centuries ago. Simply, that when my spirit clothed immortal; wings its flight through realms of day;
This my song through endless ages; Jesus led me all the way.
"While Jeremiah was still confined in the courtyard of the guard, the word of the LORD came to him a second time: "This is what the LORD says, he who made the earth, the LORD who formed it and established it — the LORD is his name. 'Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.'"
//Jeremiah 33:1-3 (NIV)
I will abide in you and no one else. For my strength is in you and you only. You make my feet like the feet of deer and you enable me to go on the heights. So that when the test comes, I will not have to hide my fear and my pain. I will be open and come before you and place all my hurt, pain and disappointment at the altar. For what I have placed at the altar, I can also take back. But this time, I'm not going to. This time, I'm not looking back.
"Fear of others will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord will be kept safe."
//Proverbs 29:25
After all, it was a loaded question. I knew it and yet I could not back out of it. But in the end, what hurt me the most wasn't that I couldn't defend who I am well enough to square it with myself. What hurt me the most was that secretly we knew, we knew, even without anyone saying anything that I and all the others who stood for what I did were fools in their eyes. I have no idea why it bothers me so much when it should already be clear to me that what I stand for is a foolish thing in most people's eyes, especially the people reading law. Even if the harmless names and ribbing doesn't bother me, I can't help the anger and pain at knowing that some people probably do see us as undeniably stupid. I can't do anything to change your mind and I won't attempt to do that. I need to dust off my knees and get up where I fall. It's a long, long journey till I find my way back to you.
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