"I should have never started killing time,
I can't go slow; Once more into the crowd, temptation wears you down; Go home, your heart too loud; Always." //Dryer; Seen Enough
We had lunch on Monday at Hog's Breath@Chijmes, apparently it's a favourite of the law faculty and their go-to place for work lunches, meetups and the sort. I know you order huge plates of steak when you go there but we just weren't in the mood for more burgers haha, so we shared a salmon and fruit crepes. Of course the conversation got kinda awkward at times, it's not easy trying to chivvy conversation along with someone who's so well-read, learned and ages before your generation, but at the end, I thought it was lovely spending an afternoon just talking about stuff I don't usually come into contact with. And he had perfect English manners, calling us dears and telling us cute stories about how he tries to get around the time difference to watch cricket on Singapore tv.
But I think the best part was when everyone was just sharing about their lives and what they were doing at the moment and the conversation kinda got to me. And I was totally, 'I'm not doing anything at the moment, I just resting and relaxing. In fact, I go to bed at 1130 and get up at 9, most days.' Haha and everybody was like, 'Ohh I'm sure we can find things for you to do. Here, why don't you TA for him and earn some money.' HAHA THERE IS NO WAY THAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN.
Didn't your hear Michael Ross Watson on Sunday? He said that it takes a concentrated effort to enter into rest. So that's what I'm gonna spend my entire holidays doing. Learning to enter and enjoy my rest.
"She seems so cool, so focused, so quiet, yet her eyes remain fixed upon the horizon. You think you know all there is to know about her immediately upon meeting her, but everything you think you know is wrong. Passion flows through her like a river of blood. She only looked away for a moment, and the mask slipped, and you fell. All your tomorrows start here."
//Neil Gaiman; Fragile Things
The past two weeks have been so whirlwind crazy that I didn't really get the time to sit down and sift through all my thoughts. Before I knew it, Washington was over and so was the four years of my life in law school. And now is the time to properly say goodbye to it all.
During his closing remarks for the Jessup 2012, Ian Forrester QC spoke about some things that touched me deeply. He said that everyone in the room was probably facing or had just been climbing over some mountain in their lives. For most, they had to live with and navigate the intricacies of public international law for a good part of the year; for some, they had to go through hell and high water just to be able to afford a ticket to Washington and appear before the judge; still for others, this would be their last Jessup because they would be graduating and facing the prospect of paying off the mountain of student debt they had incurred just to read law. Then he ended with a word of encouragement,
For the last group of students who were graduating, he said that the first part of the journey was now over and that we were nearly able to see over the tops of this mountain to get a glimpse of the long and beautiful road ahead of us. He exhorted us to never lose sight of the lawyer's role, that is, to speak truth and justice into darkness with clarity.
And at the end of my four long years in law school, I couldn't believe that I teared really badly when he said that. At that moment, I was reminded of everything that we have gone through in the past 1277(and counting) days; all the readings, the projects, the presentations, the mugging, the birthdays, the heartaches, the moots, the falling outs and falling back ins, the standing by and standing with, the ending and now the beginning. Through it all, I have learned so much from each of you. We have had all kinds of conversations from the superficial, to the intensely intellectual and even sometimes, to the deeply heartfelt. You all have challenged me, grown me and pushed me to be more than what I was. So from the depths of my heart, to all those who held me, put up with me and gave me second chances, I cannot even begin to express to you how grateful I am for everything.
But I remember also, that in SMU, we call it commencement and not graduation. Because the rest of your life really begins afresh from this point. So even as we are atop this mountain, resting and reflecting on all that we went through to get here, my heart is also ready and excited about the new things that You are going to bring me to.
10 February 2012
;22:43 "I feel like my life is so scattered right now. Like it’s all the small pieces of paper and someone’s turned on the fan. But, talking to you makes me feel like the fan’s been turned off for a little bit. Like things could actually make sense. You completely unscatter me, and I appreciate that so much."
//John Green; Will Grayson, Will Grayson
Hmm, I still think that I'm a person of milestones. And when I've reached that milestone, it's a bit frustrating to have someone tell you that by the way, you're not there yet, please finish up this last thing before it's all done. As CX said, I finished my 2.4km run awesomely to the best of my ability, came to the finish line, only to have someone say, oh you're duty-bound do this extra two more rounds before we can count this as officially finished. But all the complaining aside, I know that I'm extremely blessed to have this opportunity to go there and show others what we've done for the last six months so thank you for giving it to me.
Even if it's just two more rounds, I will do my best.
"Sometimes beautiful things come into our lives out of nowhere. We can’t always understand them, but we have to trust in them. I know you want to question everything, but sometimes it pays to just have a little faith."
//Lauren Kate; Fallen
And just when I thought it was all over, you never fail to find a way to surprise me. What should I do about this open door? I'm not sure yet but I don't want my emotions to run amok and stand in the way of doing your will. So let me sleep on it and come to a decision tomorrow. Let my decision be what you would want me to do.
4 February 2012
;21:42 How do you begin to describe the ending of something that consumed your life for six months and turned it completely upside down? How do you begin the process of putting together all the tears, joy, pain, blood and sweat that went into and finally came down to one hundred and ten pages and three hours?
Let me begin with gratitude. To the One who put me there and carried me through; to the coaches and judging panels who gave so much of their weeknights and more; to my teammates who stuck out the hours of no-eating, no-sleeping and endless rewriting with me; to the friends who walked beside me, listened and supported me when the going was at its toughest; to my family who tirelessly put up with all my ups and downs. I am here only because of all of you. So thank you for seeing me through, I am truly grateful.
Then let me start on change. For six months, this has been so much a part of my life, that now I feel a little at a loss as to what to do next. But the amazing thing is I know that I'm not walking away from it empty-handed. I've learnt what it means to trust with all your heart, to push your limits constantly, to dig deep and find strength to carry on. And I know I can never be the same again.
I know that this is the end of something great, and I wished that it didn't have to come so soon. Even so, I'm so glad that I had this opportunity to do something awesome before I graduate from SMU and I know that if I were given a chance, I'd willingly do it all again in a heartbeat.
Blessed are those who find wisdom, those who gain understanding for she is more profitable than silver and yields better returns than fine gold. She is more precious than rubies, and all the things you may desire cannot compare with her.
"I told myself, ‘All I want is a normal life’. But was that true? I wasn’t so sure. Because there was a part of me that enjoyed hating school, and the drama of not going, the potential consequences whatever they were. I was intrigued by the unknown. I was even slightly thrilled that my mother was such a mess. Had I become addicted to crisis? I traced my finger along the windowsill. ‘Want something normal, want something normal, want something normal’, I told myself."
//Augusten Burroughs; Running with Scissors: A Memoir
I love moots and I know that at the end, I'll be glad that I did it. But right now, it's really just consuming my entire life and messing with my head. Like I haven't packed my table and my cupboard in ages and my clothes are just falling out all over the place to the extent that I just wear stuff that doesn't need to be ironed to save myself the trouble and I wake up each morning with the first thing on my mind being, oh which part do I have to clean up now in order to meet the impending deadlines of doom! Oh wells, as a wise person once said, the harshest waves make the best fishermen. If I'm really going to stick it out in the litigation department after graduation, I had better get used to the pain and torture.
What I miss is just how much nicer it was when I was going through it with y'all.
"No summer ever came back, and no two summers ever were alike. Times change, and people change; and if our hearts do not change as readily, so much the worse for us."
//Nathaniel Hawthorne; The Blithdale Romance
Things were a little bit different this year after exams. We had one day of rest, one day of a movie in a parallel universe about childhood dreams, friendship and love lost; then we had four straight days of sitting inside a room facing a computer from morning until night to come up with ten pages of arguments for moots. But after the awfulness, we had breakfasts, phonecalls, MAMA, KBOXing, SJ fun, shopping, planning for SS4, SJ fantasies and as always, hope for the year after this. I like that the more things change, the more things stay the same.
Because the people who stay the same work through the change and grow stronger.
12 April 2011
;17:29 "Experience is the most brutal of teachers but you learn. My God, do you learn."
//CS Lewis
The beginning starts off easy, the middle writes itself, the ending is almost always the toughest part. How do you put the threads of an amazing experience into words? Where do you begin to describe a journey that took almost a year and was full of ups, downs and all sorts of in-betweens? Honestly, if I could stand at the starting point where it all began, I don't think I could have taken the plunge with as much courage and blind faith again. But I'm so, so glad that we did. That we worked our guts out endlessly through late nights and early mornings, that we laughed as hard as we cried together, that we weren't afraid of what people would think of us, that we were blessed with the most amazingly patient stand-in coach ever.
So thankyou for the friendships, the lessons, the food, the laughter, the tears, the jokes, the heartaches and heartbreaks, the fun, the hugs and everything else in-between. It's been such a difficult and sometimes, painful journey, But it was all worth it to have you all at the end :)
"Odd pushed himself to keep walking, one step at the time, remembering when he had walked with ease and never thought twice about the miracle of putting one foot in front of the other and pushing the world towards you."
//Neil Gaiman; Odd and the Frost Giants
All down, only one thing left to do. I'm tired beyond belief but my jumping off point is here.
And I'm think I'm ready to go. If I'm not ready now, then I don't know if I ever will be.
"Life is funny, isn't it? Just when you think you've got it all figured out, just when you finally begin to plan something, get excited about it and feel like you know what direction you're heading in, the paths change, the signs change, the wind blows the other way, north is suddenly south, and east is suddenly west and you're lost."
//Cecelia Ahern; Where Rainbows End
The lessons you teach are never easy. They always take time, always require humility and almost always involve some breaking of heart. And despite all the pain of being moulded into your peg, I realise that the most important thing is how your lessons have the tendency to cut straight through everything else that is happening in my life to show me who and what I need to hold closest to my heart. And whenever I am going through these lessons, I am always forced to ask myself, how important is everything else in the light of the plan that is set out for me?
So time and again, I am reminded. That some things come together for a reason, fall apart for a reason, stay apart for a reason. That other things will come in for a reason, stay there for a reason and grow into better things for a reason.
Where I am now is a good place to be. Whatever else that I cannot change, I give it to you.
"Maybe you can afford to wait. Maybe for you there's a tomorrow. Maybe for you there's one thousand tomorrows, or three thousands or tens, so much time you can bathe in it, roll around it, let it slide like coins through your fingers. So much time you can waste it. But for some of us, there's only today. And the truth is, you never really know."
//Lauren Oliver; Before I Fall
This week so far has been nothing short of crazy. All eighteen-hour work days and no sleep at nights in project room 4.15. Just another twenty-two hours to go before it all ends, can't wait. Funny how we've gone from doubt to this in half a year's time and wonder what else could be in waiting for us three months down the road. Maybe we are really only the smallest fry of them all, but it doesn't matter not when we know we spilled coffee, tea, chocs, snacks and all types of guts to get this done. Girls, we should be so proud of what we've done.
"What do you think? I'm not a starfish or a pepper tree. I'm a living, breathing human being. Of course I've been in love.""
//Haruki Murakami; Kafka on the Shore
If moving my fringe half an inch more to the left can generate so many responses, I wonder what would happen if I changed the parting of my fringe? Okayy, random. But seriously, I can't believe the difference that comes from simply moving a few strands of hair from the right to the left. Haha, now that we've got the chance to go for Vis East, super excited. Like Jo said, we'll try to be big fish in small ponds. Little Davids swinging stones at Goliaths. Still should have googled the meaning of IHL and Vis East before realising that we signed ourselves up for commercial arbitration and SOGA. Adeline Chong would have a good laugh if she knew that I chucked all my SOGA notes into the recycling bin after Contract II exams.
"I should have never started killing time,
I can't go slow; Once more into the crowd, temptation wears you down; Go home, your heart too loud; Always." //Dryer; Seen Enough
We had lunch on Monday at Hog's Breath@Chijmes, apparently it's a favourite of the law faculty and their go-to place for work lunches, meetups and the sort. I know you order huge plates of steak when you go there but we just weren't in the mood for more burgers haha, so we shared a salmon and fruit crepes. Of course the conversation got kinda awkward at times, it's not easy trying to chivvy conversation along with someone who's so well-read, learned and ages before your generation, but at the end, I thought it was lovely spending an afternoon just talking about stuff I don't usually come into contact with. And he had perfect English manners, calling us dears and telling us cute stories about how he tries to get around the time difference to watch cricket on Singapore tv.
But I think the best part was when everyone was just sharing about their lives and what they were doing at the moment and the conversation kinda got to me. And I was totally, 'I'm not doing anything at the moment, I just resting and relaxing. In fact, I go to bed at 1130 and get up at 9, most days.' Haha and everybody was like, 'Ohh I'm sure we can find things for you to do. Here, why don't you TA for him and earn some money.' HAHA THERE IS NO WAY THAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN.
Didn't your hear Michael Ross Watson on Sunday? He said that it takes a concentrated effort to enter into rest. So that's what I'm gonna spend my entire holidays doing. Learning to enter and enjoy my rest.
"She seems so cool, so focused, so quiet, yet her eyes remain fixed upon the horizon. You think you know all there is to know about her immediately upon meeting her, but everything you think you know is wrong. Passion flows through her like a river of blood. She only looked away for a moment, and the mask slipped, and you fell. All your tomorrows start here."
//Neil Gaiman; Fragile Things
The past two weeks have been so whirlwind crazy that I didn't really get the time to sit down and sift through all my thoughts. Before I knew it, Washington was over and so was the four years of my life in law school. And now is the time to properly say goodbye to it all.
During his closing remarks for the Jessup 2012, Ian Forrester QC spoke about some things that touched me deeply. He said that everyone in the room was probably facing or had just been climbing over some mountain in their lives. For most, they had to live with and navigate the intricacies of public international law for a good part of the year; for some, they had to go through hell and high water just to be able to afford a ticket to Washington and appear before the judge; still for others, this would be their last Jessup because they would be graduating and facing the prospect of paying off the mountain of student debt they had incurred just to read law. Then he ended with a word of encouragement,
For the last group of students who were graduating, he said that the first part of the journey was now over and that we were nearly able to see over the tops of this mountain to get a glimpse of the long and beautiful road ahead of us. He exhorted us to never lose sight of the lawyer's role, that is, to speak truth and justice into darkness with clarity.
And at the end of my four long years in law school, I couldn't believe that I teared really badly when he said that. At that moment, I was reminded of everything that we have gone through in the past 1277(and counting) days; all the readings, the projects, the presentations, the mugging, the birthdays, the heartaches, the moots, the falling outs and falling back ins, the standing by and standing with, the ending and now the beginning. Through it all, I have learned so much from each of you. We have had all kinds of conversations from the superficial, to the intensely intellectual and even sometimes, to the deeply heartfelt. You all have challenged me, grown me and pushed me to be more than what I was. So from the depths of my heart, to all those who held me, put up with me and gave me second chances, I cannot even begin to express to you how grateful I am for everything.
But I remember also, that in SMU, we call it commencement and not graduation. Because the rest of your life really begins afresh from this point. So even as we are atop this mountain, resting and reflecting on all that we went through to get here, my heart is also ready and excited about the new things that You are going to bring me to.
"I feel like my life is so scattered right now. Like it’s all the small pieces of paper and someone’s turned on the fan. But, talking to you makes me feel like the fan’s been turned off for a little bit. Like things could actually make sense. You completely unscatter me, and I appreciate that so much."
//John Green; Will Grayson, Will Grayson
Hmm, I still think that I'm a person of milestones. And when I've reached that milestone, it's a bit frustrating to have someone tell you that by the way, you're not there yet, please finish up this last thing before it's all done. As CX said, I finished my 2.4km run awesomely to the best of my ability, came to the finish line, only to have someone say, oh you're duty-bound do this extra two more rounds before we can count this as officially finished. But all the complaining aside, I know that I'm extremely blessed to have this opportunity to go there and show others what we've done for the last six months so thank you for giving it to me.
Even if it's just two more rounds, I will do my best.
"Sometimes beautiful things come into our lives out of nowhere. We can’t always understand them, but we have to trust in them. I know you want to question everything, but sometimes it pays to just have a little faith."
//Lauren Kate; Fallen
And just when I thought it was all over, you never fail to find a way to surprise me. What should I do about this open door? I'm not sure yet but I don't want my emotions to run amok and stand in the way of doing your will. So let me sleep on it and come to a decision tomorrow. Let my decision be what you would want me to do.
How do you begin to describe the ending of something that consumed your life for six months and turned it completely upside down? How do you begin the process of putting together all the tears, joy, pain, blood and sweat that went into and finally came down to one hundred and ten pages and three hours?
Let me begin with gratitude. To the One who put me there and carried me through; to the coaches and judging panels who gave so much of their weeknights and more; to my teammates who stuck out the hours of no-eating, no-sleeping and endless rewriting with me; to the friends who walked beside me, listened and supported me when the going was at its toughest; to my family who tirelessly put up with all my ups and downs. I am here only because of all of you. So thank you for seeing me through, I am truly grateful.
Then let me start on change. For six months, this has been so much a part of my life, that now I feel a little at a loss as to what to do next. But the amazing thing is I know that I'm not walking away from it empty-handed. I've learnt what it means to trust with all your heart, to push your limits constantly, to dig deep and find strength to carry on. And I know I can never be the same again.
I know that this is the end of something great, and I wished that it didn't have to come so soon. Even so, I'm so glad that I had this opportunity to do something awesome before I graduate from SMU and I know that if I were given a chance, I'd willingly do it all again in a heartbeat.
Blessed are those who find wisdom, those who gain understanding for she is more profitable than silver and yields better returns than fine gold. She is more precious than rubies, and all the things you may desire cannot compare with her.
"I told myself, ‘All I want is a normal life’. But was that true? I wasn’t so sure. Because there was a part of me that enjoyed hating school, and the drama of not going, the potential consequences whatever they were. I was intrigued by the unknown. I was even slightly thrilled that my mother was such a mess. Had I become addicted to crisis? I traced my finger along the windowsill. ‘Want something normal, want something normal, want something normal’, I told myself."
//Augusten Burroughs; Running with Scissors: A Memoir
I love moots and I know that at the end, I'll be glad that I did it. But right now, it's really just consuming my entire life and messing with my head. Like I haven't packed my table and my cupboard in ages and my clothes are just falling out all over the place to the extent that I just wear stuff that doesn't need to be ironed to save myself the trouble and I wake up each morning with the first thing on my mind being, oh which part do I have to clean up now in order to meet the impending deadlines of doom! Oh wells, as a wise person once said, the harshest waves make the best fishermen. If I'm really going to stick it out in the litigation department after graduation, I had better get used to the pain and torture.
What I miss is just how much nicer it was when I was going through it with y'all.
"No summer ever came back, and no two summers ever were alike. Times change, and people change; and if our hearts do not change as readily, so much the worse for us."
//Nathaniel Hawthorne; The Blithdale Romance
Things were a little bit different this year after exams. We had one day of rest, one day of a movie in a parallel universe about childhood dreams, friendship and love lost; then we had four straight days of sitting inside a room facing a computer from morning until night to come up with ten pages of arguments for moots. But after the awfulness, we had breakfasts, phonecalls, MAMA, KBOXing, SJ fun, shopping, planning for SS4, SJ fantasies and as always, hope for the year after this. I like that the more things change, the more things stay the same.
Because the people who stay the same work through the change and grow stronger.
"Experience is the most brutal of teachers but you learn. My God, do you learn."
//CS Lewis
The beginning starts off easy, the middle writes itself, the ending is almost always the toughest part. How do you put the threads of an amazing experience into words? Where do you begin to describe a journey that took almost a year and was full of ups, downs and all sorts of in-betweens? Honestly, if I could stand at the starting point where it all began, I don't think I could have taken the plunge with as much courage and blind faith again. But I'm so, so glad that we did. That we worked our guts out endlessly through late nights and early mornings, that we laughed as hard as we cried together, that we weren't afraid of what people would think of us, that we were blessed with the most amazingly patient stand-in coach ever.
So thankyou for the friendships, the lessons, the food, the laughter, the tears, the jokes, the heartaches and heartbreaks, the fun, the hugs and everything else in-between. It's been such a difficult and sometimes, painful journey, But it was all worth it to have you all at the end :)
"Odd pushed himself to keep walking, one step at the time, remembering when he had walked with ease and never thought twice about the miracle of putting one foot in front of the other and pushing the world towards you."
//Neil Gaiman; Odd and the Frost Giants
All down, only one thing left to do. I'm tired beyond belief but my jumping off point is here.
And I'm think I'm ready to go. If I'm not ready now, then I don't know if I ever will be.
"Life is funny, isn't it? Just when you think you've got it all figured out, just when you finally begin to plan something, get excited about it and feel like you know what direction you're heading in, the paths change, the signs change, the wind blows the other way, north is suddenly south, and east is suddenly west and you're lost."
//Cecelia Ahern; Where Rainbows End
The lessons you teach are never easy. They always take time, always require humility and almost always involve some breaking of heart. And despite all the pain of being moulded into your peg, I realise that the most important thing is how your lessons have the tendency to cut straight through everything else that is happening in my life to show me who and what I need to hold closest to my heart. And whenever I am going through these lessons, I am always forced to ask myself, how important is everything else in the light of the plan that is set out for me?
So time and again, I am reminded. That some things come together for a reason, fall apart for a reason, stay apart for a reason. That other things will come in for a reason, stay there for a reason and grow into better things for a reason.
Where I am now is a good place to be. Whatever else that I cannot change, I give it to you.
"Maybe you can afford to wait. Maybe for you there's a tomorrow. Maybe for you there's one thousand tomorrows, or three thousands or tens, so much time you can bathe in it, roll around it, let it slide like coins through your fingers. So much time you can waste it. But for some of us, there's only today. And the truth is, you never really know."
//Lauren Oliver; Before I Fall
This week so far has been nothing short of crazy. All eighteen-hour work days and no sleep at nights in project room 4.15. Just another twenty-two hours to go before it all ends, can't wait. Funny how we've gone from doubt to this in half a year's time and wonder what else could be in waiting for us three months down the road. Maybe we are really only the smallest fry of them all, but it doesn't matter not when we know we spilled coffee, tea, chocs, snacks and all types of guts to get this done. Girls, we should be so proud of what we've done.
"What do you think? I'm not a starfish or a pepper tree. I'm a living, breathing human being. Of course I've been in love.""
//Haruki Murakami; Kafka on the Shore
If moving my fringe half an inch more to the left can generate so many responses, I wonder what would happen if I changed the parting of my fringe? Okayy, random. But seriously, I can't believe the difference that comes from simply moving a few strands of hair from the right to the left. Haha, now that we've got the chance to go for Vis East, super excited. Like Jo said, we'll try to be big fish in small ponds. Little Davids swinging stones at Goliaths. Still should have googled the meaning of IHL and Vis East before realising that we signed ourselves up for commercial arbitration and SOGA. Adeline Chong would have a good laugh if she knew that I chucked all my SOGA notes into the recycling bin after Contract II exams.
