"She seems so cool, so focused, so quiet, yet her eyes remain fixed upon the horizon. You think you know all there is to know about her immediately upon meeting her, but everything you think you know is wrong. Passion flows through her like a river of blood. She only looked away for a moment, and the mask slipped, and you fell. All your tomorrows start here."
//Neil Gaiman; Fragile Things
The past two weeks have been so whirlwind crazy that I didn't really get the time to sit down and sift through all my thoughts. Before I knew it, Washington was over and so was the four years of my life in law school. And now is the time to properly say goodbye to it all.
During his closing remarks for the Jessup 2012, Ian Forrester QC spoke about some things that touched me deeply. He said that everyone in the room was probably facing or had just been climbing over some mountain in their lives. For most, they had to live with and navigate the intricacies of public international law for a good part of the year; for some, they had to go through hell and high water just to be able to afford a ticket to Washington and appear before the judge; still for others, this would be their last Jessup because they would be graduating and facing the prospect of paying off the mountain of student debt they had incurred just to read law. Then he ended with a word of encouragement,
For the last group of students who were graduating, he said that the first part of the journey was now over and that we were nearly able to see over the tops of this mountain to get a glimpse of the long and beautiful road ahead of us. He exhorted us to never lose sight of the lawyer's role, that is, to speak truth and justice into darkness with clarity.
And at the end of my four long years in law school, I couldn't believe that I teared really badly when he said that. At that moment, I was reminded of everything that we have gone through in the past 1277(and counting) days; all the readings, the projects, the presentations, the mugging, the birthdays, the heartaches, the moots, the falling outs and falling back ins, the standing by and standing with, the ending and now the beginning. Through it all, I have learned so much from each of you. We have had all kinds of conversations from the superficial, to the intensely intellectual and even sometimes, to the deeply heartfelt. You all have challenged me, grown me and pushed me to be more than what I was. So from the depths of my heart, to all those who held me, put up with me and gave me second chances, I cannot even begin to express to you how grateful I am for everything.
But I remember also, that in SMU, we call it commencement and not graduation. Because the rest of your life really begins afresh from this point. So even as we are atop this mountain, resting and reflecting on all that we went through to get here, my heart is also ready and excited about the new things that You are going to bring me to.
"There are many days when all the awful things that happen make you sick at heart, when the path before you is so steep you can’t bear to look. Not even love can rescue a person from that... As I grow older, much older, I will experience many things, and I will hit rock bottom again and again. Again and again I will suffer, again and again I will get back on my feet. I will not be defeated. I will not let my spirit be destroyed."
//Banana Yoshimoto; Kitchen
He was only nineteen when he passed away, barely two years younger than I am. Because of an act of horrific, senseless violence that will come back to haunt us all. He had barely grown up, barely began to understand how the living can do such terrifying things to each other before he came to the end of it all. And it makes me determined about two things: one, that life should never be wasted on the living; two, I will never keep quiet about how much I love the people that I love. In a time such as this, how can we begin to understand how difficult it is to say that you are El Shaddai, almighty and all-sufficient?
In quietness and strength we trust. D, go home in peace.
25 June 2009
;23:21Left my fear by the side of the road Hear You speak, won't let go Fall to my knees as I lift my hands to pray All I need is You //Hillsong United; All I Need is You
think of it as getting on an airplane and flying off. right now, it's just that her ticket is here and she's ready to board the plane. it's only a temporary separation. one day, when your ticket and plane is here, you'll get onto it and then you'll see her again. and because He lives, we have hope that one day, we will see all the people we love again in a place where there is no pain, no fear, no sadness. till that day comes, I'll keep you in my heart.
18 February 2009
;23:23 //the dangers of nostalgia the more you love a memory, the stronger and stranger it is Valdimir Nakabov
for real, for real, it's all over. no more misunderstandings, no more twisted feelings, no more nights spent on a deck chair by the pool wondering why he won't pick up the phone. for my friends who've suffered patiently the agony of being with me, thank you. i would have found it hard to live with me too. thanks for those who smsed, who let me bug them on the phone, who asked me out to lunch, who were more than he could ever wish to be. i owe you a summertime ice-cream! haha, come find me, i'll treat you to one, really REALLY.
but it's been a weight off my heart for the past two days. for like the first time in weeks, i've been truly, truly unencumbered. relieved. i don't have to wonder if he's busy, if i'm bothering him, if this thing has a future. it's time for the head to come out of the clouds, and for the feet to be rooted back into the ground. we were just the wrong people for each other, that's the long and short of it, and while i'll keep the memories safe, i know now, that there is no turning back. so i don't look around when i get on the mrt, i keep my head down when we get to simei and i delete the smses one-by-one, starting from the back.
thankfully, i sent off laoda at the airport on sunday. and i met up with the soccer people on vday so it wasn't so bad. then smu law never fails to amaze with the amount of work they can pile onto you. so legal memo, client advice letter and TORT EXAM (OHTHEAGONY) have all done their part in being a major distraction. kinda keeps you from moping around the house like some mopey, aimless fool OR even better, keeps you from morphing into an avenging angel hell-bent on revenge when couples routinely float in front of you in their lovesick haze. i swear, it's tough to keep yourself from picking up a stick and whacking the daylights out of particularly annoying couples flaunting the expensive $200 restaurant they went to on vday. yes, perhaps they were looking to experience the kind of timeless, infinitely romantic atmosphere that only a $200 eatery packed full with millions of other lovers can provide. after all, deep love for each other on vday's is best expressed by consuming a vastly overpriced meal near a large window, while making sure that other like-minded couples in the near vicinity can see how loving yall are by constantly cooing like birds and feeding each other morsels of food. haha, sorry, that was the single's rant, i'll stop now :)
but you learn something after all. look before you jump. and as chris said, don't rush love.
i know it's the start of the chinese new year and it should be happy. but just about 45mins ago, while i was working on my BGS presentation, surfing F21 for cheap sweaters and watching the mediacorp replay of the taiwan new year countdown (oh the 阿信走音！), i received an sms from him out of the blue.
he's back in canada because of the sudden death of a loved one who was close to him.
i didn't know what to say. everything said seems so empty and flat. how could i possibly begin to understand his pain? but hope is not lost, even in such a situation as this.
"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the Everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the Earth. He will not grow tired or weary and His understanding, no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even young men stumble and fall but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles. They will run and not be weary, they will walk and not be faint. "
-- Isaiah 40:28
i really don't know what happens next. but at least for this, i guess i'll be there for him.
// Hold Heart No Lips, don't make a sound Don't let him hear the break in your voice
It ended the way it started, two people on an eastbound mrt train, getting lost in the small things that we chose to say. His jacket was still warm, still alive, still full of him. It was incredibly dumb to use it as a poncho, it just made things so much harder. We ended up in cityhall starbucks where I was supposed to make my speech. Supposed, because the words held on for dear life inside me and wouldn't let go. But he knew anyway. //Don't trick yourself into thinking the situation is going to change because it's not going to. I'm going to be this busy next week and then all your same doubts and fears will resurface again. That really woke me up.
It's so damn easy to look at other people's relationship and say, oh look at that girl, why does she hang on to something that is so obviously wrong? Because, in truth, it's so easy to delude ourselves. The human heart is so annoyingly gullible, so willing to be lied to. And I nearly fell into that trap, of thinking that maybe it's not so bad, maybe I can handle it. Of forgetting how painful it is to subsist on the scraps of affection. It was excruciating but it had to be done. From within his arms for probably the final time, my heart was twisting awfully, but I could see an expanse of clear, blue sky with birds free-wheeling through the wind. And I knew, one day this pain will pass.
Telling my decision to Laoda weeks before was encouraging. Trash-talking about it the day before when Peiyi was there gave me courage. Hearing RT on the phone, ready to come down to sing K soothed the pain. Seeing Jojo's face at the entrace of the SESS building warmed me but nearly triggered a flood. Shiyi's online hug and KFC treat (yet to come true). Wei Lin calling me all the way from London! (and waiting until 1am to call me but finding that I didn't switch on the phone). Thanks, really really for the phonecalls, the advice, the everything else in between.
Thanks for the rollercoaster you gave me. But the end's not near, it's here.
"She seems so cool, so focused, so quiet, yet her eyes remain fixed upon the horizon. You think you know all there is to know about her immediately upon meeting her, but everything you think you know is wrong. Passion flows through her like a river of blood. She only looked away for a moment, and the mask slipped, and you fell. All your tomorrows start here."
//Neil Gaiman; Fragile Things
The past two weeks have been so whirlwind crazy that I didn't really get the time to sit down and sift through all my thoughts. Before I knew it, Washington was over and so was the four years of my life in law school. And now is the time to properly say goodbye to it all.
During his closing remarks for the Jessup 2012, Ian Forrester QC spoke about some things that touched me deeply. He said that everyone in the room was probably facing or had just been climbing over some mountain in their lives. For most, they had to live with and navigate the intricacies of public international law for a good part of the year; for some, they had to go through hell and high water just to be able to afford a ticket to Washington and appear before the judge; still for others, this would be their last Jessup because they would be graduating and facing the prospect of paying off the mountain of student debt they had incurred just to read law. Then he ended with a word of encouragement,
For the last group of students who were graduating, he said that the first part of the journey was now over and that we were nearly able to see over the tops of this mountain to get a glimpse of the long and beautiful road ahead of us. He exhorted us to never lose sight of the lawyer's role, that is, to speak truth and justice into darkness with clarity.
And at the end of my four long years in law school, I couldn't believe that I teared really badly when he said that. At that moment, I was reminded of everything that we have gone through in the past 1277(and counting) days; all the readings, the projects, the presentations, the mugging, the birthdays, the heartaches, the moots, the falling outs and falling back ins, the standing by and standing with, the ending and now the beginning. Through it all, I have learned so much from each of you. We have had all kinds of conversations from the superficial, to the intensely intellectual and even sometimes, to the deeply heartfelt. You all have challenged me, grown me and pushed me to be more than what I was. So from the depths of my heart, to all those who held me, put up with me and gave me second chances, I cannot even begin to express to you how grateful I am for everything.
But I remember also, that in SMU, we call it commencement and not graduation. Because the rest of your life really begins afresh from this point. So even as we are atop this mountain, resting and reflecting on all that we went through to get here, my heart is also ready and excited about the new things that You are going to bring me to.
"There are many days when all the awful things that happen make you sick at heart, when the path before you is so steep you can’t bear to look. Not even love can rescue a person from that... As I grow older, much older, I will experience many things, and I will hit rock bottom again and again. Again and again I will suffer, again and again I will get back on my feet. I will not be defeated. I will not let my spirit be destroyed."
//Banana Yoshimoto; Kitchen
He was only nineteen when he passed away, barely two years younger than I am. Because of an act of horrific, senseless violence that will come back to haunt us all. He had barely grown up, barely began to understand how the living can do such terrifying things to each other before he came to the end of it all. And it makes me determined about two things: one, that life should never be wasted on the living; two, I will never keep quiet about how much I love the people that I love. In a time such as this, how can we begin to understand how difficult it is to say that you are El Shaddai, almighty and all-sufficient?
In quietness and strength we trust. D, go home in peace.
Left my fear by the side of the road Hear You speak, won't let go Fall to my knees as I lift my hands to pray All I need is You //Hillsong United; All I Need is You
think of it as getting on an airplane and flying off. right now, it's just that her ticket is here and she's ready to board the plane. it's only a temporary separation. one day, when your ticket and plane is here, you'll get onto it and then you'll see her again. and because He lives, we have hope that one day, we will see all the people we love again in a place where there is no pain, no fear, no sadness. till that day comes, I'll keep you in my heart.
//the dangers of nostalgia the more you love a memory, the stronger and stranger it is Valdimir Nakabov
for real, for real, it's all over. no more misunderstandings, no more twisted feelings, no more nights spent on a deck chair by the pool wondering why he won't pick up the phone. for my friends who've suffered patiently the agony of being with me, thank you. i would have found it hard to live with me too. thanks for those who smsed, who let me bug them on the phone, who asked me out to lunch, who were more than he could ever wish to be. i owe you a summertime ice-cream! haha, come find me, i'll treat you to one, really REALLY.
but it's been a weight off my heart for the past two days. for like the first time in weeks, i've been truly, truly unencumbered. relieved. i don't have to wonder if he's busy, if i'm bothering him, if this thing has a future. it's time for the head to come out of the clouds, and for the feet to be rooted back into the ground. we were just the wrong people for each other, that's the long and short of it, and while i'll keep the memories safe, i know now, that there is no turning back. so i don't look around when i get on the mrt, i keep my head down when we get to simei and i delete the smses one-by-one, starting from the back.
thankfully, i sent off laoda at the airport on sunday. and i met up with the soccer people on vday so it wasn't so bad. then smu law never fails to amaze with the amount of work they can pile onto you. so legal memo, client advice letter and TORT EXAM (OHTHEAGONY) have all done their part in being a major distraction. kinda keeps you from moping around the house like some mopey, aimless fool OR even better, keeps you from morphing into an avenging angel hell-bent on revenge when couples routinely float in front of you in their lovesick haze. i swear, it's tough to keep yourself from picking up a stick and whacking the daylights out of particularly annoying couples flaunting the expensive $200 restaurant they went to on vday. yes, perhaps they were looking to experience the kind of timeless, infinitely romantic atmosphere that only a $200 eatery packed full with millions of other lovers can provide. after all, deep love for each other on vday's is best expressed by consuming a vastly overpriced meal near a large window, while making sure that other like-minded couples in the near vicinity can see how loving yall are by constantly cooing like birds and feeding each other morsels of food. haha, sorry, that was the single's rant, i'll stop now :)
but you learn something after all. look before you jump. and as chris said, don't rush love.
i know it's the start of the chinese new year and it should be happy. but just about 45mins ago, while i was working on my BGS presentation, surfing F21 for cheap sweaters and watching the mediacorp replay of the taiwan new year countdown (oh the 阿信走音！), i received an sms from him out of the blue.
he's back in canada because of the sudden death of a loved one who was close to him.
i didn't know what to say. everything said seems so empty and flat. how could i possibly begin to understand his pain? but hope is not lost, even in such a situation as this.
"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the Everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the Earth. He will not grow tired or weary and His understanding, no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even young men stumble and fall but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles. They will run and not be weary, they will walk and not be faint. "
-- Isaiah 40:28
i really don't know what happens next. but at least for this, i guess i'll be there for him.
// Hold Heart No Lips, don't make a sound Don't let him hear the break in your voice
It ended the way it started, two people on an eastbound mrt train, getting lost in the small things that we chose to say. His jacket was still warm, still alive, still full of him. It was incredibly dumb to use it as a poncho, it just made things so much harder. We ended up in cityhall starbucks where I was supposed to make my speech. Supposed, because the words held on for dear life inside me and wouldn't let go. But he knew anyway. //Don't trick yourself into thinking the situation is going to change because it's not going to. I'm going to be this busy next week and then all your same doubts and fears will resurface again. That really woke me up.
It's so damn easy to look at other people's relationship and say, oh look at that girl, why does she hang on to something that is so obviously wrong? Because, in truth, it's so easy to delude ourselves. The human heart is so annoyingly gullible, so willing to be lied to. And I nearly fell into that trap, of thinking that maybe it's not so bad, maybe I can handle it. Of forgetting how painful it is to subsist on the scraps of affection. It was excruciating but it had to be done. From within his arms for probably the final time, my heart was twisting awfully, but I could see an expanse of clear, blue sky with birds free-wheeling through the wind. And I knew, one day this pain will pass.
Telling my decision to Laoda weeks before was encouraging. Trash-talking about it the day before when Peiyi was there gave me courage. Hearing RT on the phone, ready to come down to sing K soothed the pain. Seeing Jojo's face at the entrace of the SESS building warmed me but nearly triggered a flood. Shiyi's online hug and KFC treat (yet to come true). Wei Lin calling me all the way from London! (and waiting until 1am to call me but finding that I didn't switch on the phone). Thanks, really really for the phonecalls, the advice, the everything else in between.
Thanks for the rollercoaster you gave me. But the end's not near, it's here.
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