"You fill the sun with morning light; You bent the moon to lead the night; You clothed the lilies bright and beautiful; You're already all I need, already everything that I could hope for You've already set me, already making me more like you." //Christy Nockels; Already All I Need This has been my season of scattering stones. Of realising that sometimes God makes people and things fall together in a perfect way for a beautiful moment in time. But moments in time do not last forever and once our season is over, it will be time to move on to new things. After all, in life, everyone makes their own decisions and though it will be with great sadness that we say goodbye, there are better things ahead for each of us. I believe, I sincerely believe. Thank you for everything, while it lasted. The times we had were wonderful and beautiful. xoxo.
"Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their labour; If either of them falls down,
one can help the other up." Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 (NIV Version) And with you, I learn so many new things about myself. That maybe sometimes I am selfish, maybe sometimes I think too much of myself first, that may be sometimes my actions are not aligned with the things that I say I will do. But I am learning, and I am understanding that it takes two. That if I say you are important to me, then my actions must reflect that. So I will consider your feelings, esteem your opinion of others, involve you in my decisions, make time for you, pick up the things that are important to you and appreciate you for all the things you have done for me. It has been an intense week. But I am grateful for the things I've learnt, for the deeper level of understanding it has given to us.
"Trust in the Lord and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Take delight in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart." //Psalm 37:3-4 (NIV Version) Now it feels like the end of one part of a journey, the months when you were all that I had and it felt like the light at the end of the tunnel was far away and would never come. But God, you are good and your promises to your children hold true until the end. That at the end of all my waiting, there he was as you said he would be. And I know he's not perfect and neither am I. That there will be differences, that there will be dilemmas, that there will be difficulties along the way. But God you know us better than we know ourselves. And you are always in control. So I commit this into your hands and ask that you lead us and guide us. That as we make our announcements as we seek blessings, as we set our plans for the future, come and be in the centre of it all. Let all that we are, all that we do bring glory to your name. Thank you and thank you for your faithfulness towards me, there are no words that can express my love and gratitude towards you.
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains; Hope that doesn't ever end; Even when the sky is falling, I've seen miracles just happen; Silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new; That's what faith can do." //Kutless; What faith can do My favourite line in this whole song is, life is so much more than what your eyes are seeing. Because I've learnt how true that is this past six months. That when I was in anguish, when I was so confused, when I thought I couldn't take another step forward, all along you were holding my hand and bringing me forward. Even as we are on the threshold of a brand new year, I want to declare that great is your faithfulness oh Lord, because your mercies are new every morning, we are never consumed. Hold me, lead me, guide me as I move forward in this journey with you.
"I took my love and I took it down, I climbed a mountain and I turned around; And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills, 'Till the landslide brought me down; Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above? Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life? I don't know..."
//Fleetwood Mac; Landslide So we grow up, so things never stay the same, so we move on. But you're the first landslide that happened to me and you will be unchanging to me always and always, no matter what happens. Unlike Stevie Nicks, I'm not afraid of change, I'm not afraid as long as you're with me.
"If seeds in the black earth can turn into such beautiful roses, what might not the heart of man become in its long journey toward the stars?"
//G.K. Chesterton This week, I had a moment of deep realisation and it kinda changed my perspective on some things. Maybe it sounds like a cliche and it probably is, but when you're in need of epiphanies, something trivial can have great impact on how you see everything. And that's how it happened for me. She told me that when her mom explained the analogy to her, it just sounded plain ridiculous. But now it makes a lot of sense. Her mom said that life is like a bus journey. After you get on and choose a seat, different people come up and take the seat next to yours. Sometimes you enjoy the person who is next to you, sometimes you don't, sometimes no one sits next to you. As the bus meanders along to different stops, some people get off and new people get on. Sometimes these people stay on the bus for a really long time, sometimes these people get off after a few stops. So nobody is really constant in the same spot, the people on the bus keep changing, but the bus driver keeps on chugging along, bringing you to the end of life's journey. And for some reason, this analogy, cliched as it may be, really hit me hard. That the truth is, people in my life will come and go. Some may stay for a short while, some may stay for a lot longer. The only thing I can do is to be as good a friend as I can be to the people who are around me in that season of my life and then hope that they go on to better things, better people who can take better care of them. Lord, it's not an easy lesson. But I will learn it and put it in my heart for years and years to come.
"If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 8 Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do." //James 1:5-7 (NIV Version)
One of the things that has been on my mind is the part about preparing a room that we talked about in camp. In that segment, Ps. Gardener talked about doing something in the physical realm that is a declaration of faith for things that have not yet come to pass. Basically, you prepare a room for something in your life now, that you believe will come to pass in the future. He gave us some time to think about it and write it down on a piece of paper to remind ourselves. And when I heard that and I opened my notebook, one area of my life immediately came to my mind. One area that I had not really thought about deeply for a while. And I asked God, well what do you want to tell me about this? And amazingly, I received a really detailed and specific image and words for that area of my life. At first, I didn't know what to do it with it. I've asked and prayed about this before but there has been no direct answer. Until this, until now. I've prayed about it after camp and asked for confirmation. And now, I believe that I will receive my confirmations this week. And this is my act of obedience, putting it here as an act of courage and faith. I'm hopeful, excited and nervous all at the same time. But I also know without a doubt, that my God is good and that I've tasted of his sweetness for the past 23 years of my life. He will not let me down. All I ask is that he steady my heart, keep me focused on Him as I walk this chapter of my life with Him.
"From the end of the earth I will cry to You,
When my heart is overwhelmed; Lead me to the rock that is higher than I."
//Psalm 61:2 (NKJV Version)
Even when I look back myself, I find it hard to pinpoint the exact moment when things changed for the better. When it stopped becoming hard to draw near, when the thirst for more came back, when conversations stopped revolving around the superficial and stepped into the realm of the real and the deep. But the past few days at leaders' retreat has really helped me to put some things back into perspective.
It's still true that going into that relationship is one of the biggest regrets in my life. And I thank God that even now, I met and have friends whom I can freely share with and willingly pray for me in all the areas where it has left scars. But today, I see clearly that the ending of that relationship was actually the starting point of my journey back to where true love is. That because I needed to heal my wounds and be free, I sought out the Lord in so many places, hoping that he would bring me back to when I was twelve and I didn't know anything about the world and my love for him was childlike and pure.
But my God knows better and he loves me far too much for me to stay the same. So that even though I made so many wrong decisions in those years of my life, he has used these decisions to grow and refine me, and to finally bring me fully and squarely back into his presence. And this leaders' retreat, I was reminded again of how much he wants to restore that period of my life back to me. As he said in Joel 2:25, he wants to restore to me those months where I was so far away, in so deep that I did not even know how to find my way back to the shore.
Right now, I am ready. To be restored fully and completely. To put this burden down again each and everytime it needs to be surrendered. And then one day, I will be ready to share fully and openly.
Overwhelm my heart again and again with your mercy and your goodness.
"She seems so cool, so focused, so quiet, yet her eyes remain fixed upon the horizon. You think you know all there is to know about her immediately upon meeting her, but everything you think you know is wrong. Passion flows through her like a river of blood. She only looked away for a moment, and the mask slipped, and you fell. All your tomorrows start here."
//Neil Gaiman; Fragile Things
The past two weeks have been so whirlwind crazy that I didn't really get the time to sit down and sift through all my thoughts. Before I knew it, Washington was over and so was the four years of my life in law school. And now is the time to properly say goodbye to it all.
During his closing remarks for the Jessup 2012, Ian Forrester QC spoke about some things that touched me deeply. He said that everyone in the room was probably facing or had just been climbing over some mountain in their lives. For most, they had to live with and navigate the intricacies of public international law for a good part of the year; for some, they had to go through hell and high water just to be able to afford a ticket to Washington and appear before the judge; still for others, this would be their last Jessup because they would be graduating and facing the prospect of paying off the mountain of student debt they had incurred just to read law. Then he ended with a word of encouragement,
For the last group of students who were graduating, he said that the first part of the journey was now over and that we were nearly able to see over the tops of this mountain to get a glimpse of the long and beautiful road ahead of us. He exhorted us to never lose sight of the lawyer's role, that is, to speak truth and justice into darkness with clarity.
And at the end of my four long years in law school, I couldn't believe that I teared really badly when he said that. At that moment, I was reminded of everything that we have gone through in the past 1277(and counting) days; all the readings, the projects, the presentations, the mugging, the birthdays, the heartaches, the moots, the falling outs and falling back ins, the standing by and standing with, the ending and now the beginning. Through it all, I have learned so much from each of you. We have had all kinds of conversations from the superficial, to the intensely intellectual and even sometimes, to the deeply heartfelt. You all have challenged me, grown me and pushed me to be more than what I was. So from the depths of my heart, to all those who held me, put up with me and gave me second chances, I cannot even begin to express to you how grateful I am for everything.
But I remember also, that in SMU, we call it commencement and not graduation. Because the rest of your life really begins afresh from this point. So even as we are atop this mountain, resting and reflecting on all that we went through to get here, my heart is also ready and excited about the new things that You are going to bring me to.
7 March 2012
;22:47 "Did you feel a big difference? Between 19 and 20? I still think I'm the same. If I continue to put in my best on a day-to-day basis, I know when I look back one day, I won't have any regrets. I still believe this. For instance, when you're 16... So sorry to keep referring to 16 , it's just that my mind is forever at 16. Back then, there was always a second chance, like you felt you could always press the reset button. However, now it's not the same. I wish I could live without any attachment to anything. Let's say if I felt like quitting, I would just quit and do what I wanted to do. That's how I want to live my life. I don't want to do something just to fit in."
//CL; 2NE1 TV S3E10
The road to completion is a long one indeed. And there are so many bumps we could fall over, so many potholes we could fall into. Let's hold on to each other and make our way through. At the end, I hope I'll see you.
"Just remember that the things you put into your head are there forever," he said. "You might want to think about that."
"You forget some things, dont you?" "Yes. You forget what you want to remember and you remember what you want to forget.""
//Cormac Mccarthy; On the Road
This week is really a crunch week like nothing I've experienced before. One research paper and one presentation deadline followed by another research paper and written submissions deadlines and a final year exam in the following week. It's like everyone decided to hit you the hardest when you're already down haha. I don't mind the work actually, but I really have a thing against compiling presentation slides! And not because it's hard to do, but because I'm a little OCD about slides. And once I start, I can't stop and I end up spending hours on something that will probably flash past everyone in a few minutes argh.
Haha but I'm trying my best to find joy in everything I do also, cos I know once the term is over, we'll look back and be amazed that the rubber band has stretched another inch without breaking.
"Trust your heart if the seas catch fire, live by love though the stars walk backward." //E.E Cummings
I love the conversations that we have and how they always come back to the same thing. That we have walked the same paths, undergone the same experiences and held each other most of the whole way. Thank you for always affirming me in the choices I make and for encouraging me when I needed it. We may not always get to be together, but I know that we have something definitely special.
"It’s a lie, you know, to pretend that nothing is important to you. It’s hiding. Believe me, I know because I hid for a long time. But now I won’t do it anymore. The truth is bioluminescent. I don’t lie and I don’t waste time on people who do."
//Ellen Wittlinger; Hard Love
Eventually I will have to do this on my own. And the sooner I realise and understand that, the easier it will be in the long run. No need for hand-holding, no need to search for an easy way out, I'm just gonna have to grit my teeth and hold on to my source of strength.
"But then, life is a constant withering of possibilities. Some are stolen with the lives of people you love. Others are let go, with regret and reluctance and deep, deep sorrow. But there is compensation for lives unlived in the intoxicating joy of knowing that the life you have - right here, right now - if the one you have chosen. There is power in that, and hope."
//Emily Maguire; Taming the Beast
It was just a few years ago that we were in school together, playing together, growing up together. Now we're strewn across continents, collecting friends and partners that we don't know and have never met and making stilted conversations for the first time. And we are beginning to look different, slowly but surely
And standing where I am, about to plunge into the next phase of my life, I think I can see the impact of choices made in your twenties. That these choices will surely shape you and define you and determine the person you become. That one day, you will stand at that point and look back and be able to judge all that you've done in these eight years before you turn thirty. And the prospects I've seen scare me, just a bit. That people who I knew when I was young are making these same choices each and everyday and are now standing at the point near thirty, looking back and I don't know if they can say with conviction that they really like what they see.
And that just drives home the point for me. That I can spend the next part of my life clutching at withered possibilities or I can start making the choices I need to make. Right here, right now.
"Something new, they had said. They had a perfect day for it. A day with the blue and gold good weather of anyone's primitive childhood expectations, when the new, brief memory tells itself that this is what is, and therefore was, and therefore will be. A good day to see a new place."
//AS Byatt; Possession
In a moment, we will have used it all away. But for now, we can hold on together in canteens and cafes with conversations and heartohearts, pretending that we still have all the time in the world. Soon, even quicker than soon, we will come to the point where we stand on our own, but for now, for now, we are here and all other those times are running somewhere else.
"Tragedies do happen. We can discover the reason, blame others, imagine how different our lives would be had they not occurred. But none of that is important: they did occur, and so be it. From there onward we must put aside the fear that they awoke in us and begin to rebuild."
//Paulo Coelho
I just realised that this was the first place that I interned at and this will probably be the last place that I will intern at. And interestingly, in those two years, I have made one full circle to be able to see where I came from and where I am going. Something he said struck me and made me wonder, has it really been that long? And by accident, I found one of my old qt journals and while flipping through it, I realised how truly difficult that period of my life was. That once upon a time, I thought that it would all end here and I would never be able to get myself out. But then as I read on and the entries changed, I understood just how faithful he has been, how he has stood shoulder to shoulder with me through it all.
And as I look back on that part of my life, I found that I could say with conviction that, that was just one part of who I ever will be. Is this what growing old feels like? That portions of your life that you thought would always be stuck in pain and hurt could really move on and allow you to become stronger?
If that is what it is all about, then I'm ready to grow up.
"There are so few people given us to love. I want to tell my daughters this, that each time you fall in love it is important, even at nineteen. Especially at nineteen. And if you can, at nineteen, count the people you love on one hand, you will not, at forty, have run out of fingers on the other. There are so few people given us to love and they all stick."
//Anne Enright; The Gathering
There is nothing better than chilling with friends you haven't hung with out in the longest time on a drizzly Saturday afternoon over wings, pizzas, and frappes. Just talking, just sharing, just being authentic. I don't think I will ever tire of hearing peoples' stories; the things they go through, the hurts they have, the ways they learn to have faith in those that they love. And in some ways, it made me think of the ways in which we've grown since we entered Uni and it made me miss the days we spent in utter innocence. When being nice was all that you needed to know about somebody, when hanging out meant we loitered endlessly in coffeeshops, when our only worry was making trainings and tutorials. From when in time did it turn into choices, decisions, lines drawn in the sand?
So let your heart be broken, let your temper be lost. Let your scars heal, let your life go on. What is broken and rebuilt can only be stronger. Beauty is only ever found in imperfection.
"But he hadn’t been overwhelmed to the point of incapacity. The after-effects had not weakened or permanently damaged him. Perhaps he’d even been strengthened. That’s what bad events were supposed to do to you, provided you were tough enough to start."
//Rachel Anderson; Red Moon
I've been so distracted and tired this whole week that it feels a bit like I'm trying too darn hard to do so many things at the same time that I'm beginning to run on empty. Maybe in all the hustles and bustles, I forgot to look to who I am and what I live for. Forgot that I am not valued for where I've gone, what I've done or how I look. Forgot that I am yours, And where else am I better reminded of this than on Fridays? In the brief moments I had though, I'm grateful for the people and friends I've met this week, thankful for the advice, the kindness and the heartstohearts.
Fall down, pick yourself up. Over and over, begin again.
“There’s a widespread notion that children are open, that the truth about their inner selves just seeps out of them. That’s all wrong. No one is more covert than a child, and no one has greater cause to be that way. It’s a response to a world that’s always using a tin-opener on them to see what they are on the inside, just in case it ought to be replaced with a more useful type of tinned foodstuff."
//Peter Høeg; Miss Smilla's Sense of Snow
Is your life turning out the way you expected it to? Are you making it safely through the turns and the twists, the let-downs and the disappointments? Today S shared about his past five years studying culinary arts in TP. He said that when he started out, he thought that it would just be something to pass his years in school, but over time, he understood that it had become more than that. It had turned into a lifelong passion, an important element of who he was, and he could not imagine it not being part of his life. And it made me wonder - how many of us are fortunate enough to find something that we care so deeply about? And are we as intensely passionate about the things that we are doing now, in this stage of our lives?
I hope we are, because that's the best way to roll.
"You know, it’s quite a job to start loving somebody. You have to have energy, generosity, blindness. There is even a moment, in the very beginning, when you have to jump across a precipice: if you think about it you don’t do it. I know I’ll never jump again." //Jean Paul Satre; Nausea
I think that I'm on the point of realising that I can't make all things right for everybody. That beyond a certain limit, if that is how things are going to fall, it's really just out of my hands. I don't think I'm giving up or ceding ground, it's just that I have better things and people to spend my time, energy and commitment on. I've really learnt a lot from all that was said, but I'm ready to move on.
"You fill the sun with morning light; You bent the moon to lead the night; You clothed the lilies bright and beautiful; You're already all I need, already everything that I could hope for You've already set me, already making me more like you." //Christy Nockels; Already All I Need This has been my season of scattering stones. Of realising that sometimes God makes people and things fall together in a perfect way for a beautiful moment in time. But moments in time do not last forever and once our season is over, it will be time to move on to new things. After all, in life, everyone makes their own decisions and though it will be with great sadness that we say goodbye, there are better things ahead for each of us. I believe, I sincerely believe. Thank you for everything, while it lasted. The times we had were wonderful and beautiful. xoxo.
"Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their labour; If either of them falls down,
one can help the other up." Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 (NIV Version) And with you, I learn so many new things about myself. That maybe sometimes I am selfish, maybe sometimes I think too much of myself first, that may be sometimes my actions are not aligned with the things that I say I will do. But I am learning, and I am understanding that it takes two. That if I say you are important to me, then my actions must reflect that. So I will consider your feelings, esteem your opinion of others, involve you in my decisions, make time for you, pick up the things that are important to you and appreciate you for all the things you have done for me. It has been an intense week. But I am grateful for the things I've learnt, for the deeper level of understanding it has given to us.
"Trust in the Lord and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Take delight in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart." //Psalm 37:3-4 (NIV Version) Now it feels like the end of one part of a journey, the months when you were all that I had and it felt like the light at the end of the tunnel was far away and would never come. But God, you are good and your promises to your children hold true until the end. That at the end of all my waiting, there he was as you said he would be. And I know he's not perfect and neither am I. That there will be differences, that there will be dilemmas, that there will be difficulties along the way. But God you know us better than we know ourselves. And you are always in control. So I commit this into your hands and ask that you lead us and guide us. That as we make our announcements as we seek blessings, as we set our plans for the future, come and be in the centre of it all. Let all that we are, all that we do bring glory to your name. Thank you and thank you for your faithfulness towards me, there are no words that can express my love and gratitude towards you.
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains; Hope that doesn't ever end; Even when the sky is falling, I've seen miracles just happen; Silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new; That's what faith can do." //Kutless; What faith can do My favourite line in this whole song is, life is so much more than what your eyes are seeing. Because I've learnt how true that is this past six months. That when I was in anguish, when I was so confused, when I thought I couldn't take another step forward, all along you were holding my hand and bringing me forward. Even as we are on the threshold of a brand new year, I want to declare that great is your faithfulness oh Lord, because your mercies are new every morning, we are never consumed. Hold me, lead me, guide me as I move forward in this journey with you.
"I took my love and I took it down, I climbed a mountain and I turned around; And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills, 'Till the landslide brought me down; Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above? Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life? I don't know..."
//Fleetwood Mac; Landslide So we grow up, so things never stay the same, so we move on. But you're the first landslide that happened to me and you will be unchanging to me always and always, no matter what happens. Unlike Stevie Nicks, I'm not afraid of change, I'm not afraid as long as you're with me.
"If seeds in the black earth can turn into such beautiful roses, what might not the heart of man become in its long journey toward the stars?"
//G.K. Chesterton This week, I had a moment of deep realisation and it kinda changed my perspective on some things. Maybe it sounds like a cliche and it probably is, but when you're in need of epiphanies, something trivial can have great impact on how you see everything. And that's how it happened for me. She told me that when her mom explained the analogy to her, it just sounded plain ridiculous. But now it makes a lot of sense. Her mom said that life is like a bus journey. After you get on and choose a seat, different people come up and take the seat next to yours. Sometimes you enjoy the person who is next to you, sometimes you don't, sometimes no one sits next to you. As the bus meanders along to different stops, some people get off and new people get on. Sometimes these people stay on the bus for a really long time, sometimes these people get off after a few stops. So nobody is really constant in the same spot, the people on the bus keep changing, but the bus driver keeps on chugging along, bringing you to the end of life's journey. And for some reason, this analogy, cliched as it may be, really hit me hard. That the truth is, people in my life will come and go. Some may stay for a short while, some may stay for a lot longer. The only thing I can do is to be as good a friend as I can be to the people who are around me in that season of my life and then hope that they go on to better things, better people who can take better care of them. Lord, it's not an easy lesson. But I will learn it and put it in my heart for years and years to come.
"If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 8 Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do." //James 1:5-7 (NIV Version)
One of the things that has been on my mind is the part about preparing a room that we talked about in camp. In that segment, Ps. Gardener talked about doing something in the physical realm that is a declaration of faith for things that have not yet come to pass. Basically, you prepare a room for something in your life now, that you believe will come to pass in the future. He gave us some time to think about it and write it down on a piece of paper to remind ourselves. And when I heard that and I opened my notebook, one area of my life immediately came to my mind. One area that I had not really thought about deeply for a while. And I asked God, well what do you want to tell me about this? And amazingly, I received a really detailed and specific image and words for that area of my life. At first, I didn't know what to do it with it. I've asked and prayed about this before but there has been no direct answer. Until this, until now. I've prayed about it after camp and asked for confirmation. And now, I believe that I will receive my confirmations this week. And this is my act of obedience, putting it here as an act of courage and faith. I'm hopeful, excited and nervous all at the same time. But I also know without a doubt, that my God is good and that I've tasted of his sweetness for the past 23 years of my life. He will not let me down. All I ask is that he steady my heart, keep me focused on Him as I walk this chapter of my life with Him.
"From the end of the earth I will cry to You,
When my heart is overwhelmed; Lead me to the rock that is higher than I."
//Psalm 61:2 (NKJV Version)
Even when I look back myself, I find it hard to pinpoint the exact moment when things changed for the better. When it stopped becoming hard to draw near, when the thirst for more came back, when conversations stopped revolving around the superficial and stepped into the realm of the real and the deep. But the past few days at leaders' retreat has really helped me to put some things back into perspective.
It's still true that going into that relationship is one of the biggest regrets in my life. And I thank God that even now, I met and have friends whom I can freely share with and willingly pray for me in all the areas where it has left scars. But today, I see clearly that the ending of that relationship was actually the starting point of my journey back to where true love is. That because I needed to heal my wounds and be free, I sought out the Lord in so many places, hoping that he would bring me back to when I was twelve and I didn't know anything about the world and my love for him was childlike and pure.
But my God knows better and he loves me far too much for me to stay the same. So that even though I made so many wrong decisions in those years of my life, he has used these decisions to grow and refine me, and to finally bring me fully and squarely back into his presence. And this leaders' retreat, I was reminded again of how much he wants to restore that period of my life back to me. As he said in Joel 2:25, he wants to restore to me those months where I was so far away, in so deep that I did not even know how to find my way back to the shore.
Right now, I am ready. To be restored fully and completely. To put this burden down again each and everytime it needs to be surrendered. And then one day, I will be ready to share fully and openly.
Overwhelm my heart again and again with your mercy and your goodness.
"She seems so cool, so focused, so quiet, yet her eyes remain fixed upon the horizon. You think you know all there is to know about her immediately upon meeting her, but everything you think you know is wrong. Passion flows through her like a river of blood. She only looked away for a moment, and the mask slipped, and you fell. All your tomorrows start here."
//Neil Gaiman; Fragile Things
The past two weeks have been so whirlwind crazy that I didn't really get the time to sit down and sift through all my thoughts. Before I knew it, Washington was over and so was the four years of my life in law school. And now is the time to properly say goodbye to it all.
During his closing remarks for the Jessup 2012, Ian Forrester QC spoke about some things that touched me deeply. He said that everyone in the room was probably facing or had just been climbing over some mountain in their lives. For most, they had to live with and navigate the intricacies of public international law for a good part of the year; for some, they had to go through hell and high water just to be able to afford a ticket to Washington and appear before the judge; still for others, this would be their last Jessup because they would be graduating and facing the prospect of paying off the mountain of student debt they had incurred just to read law. Then he ended with a word of encouragement,
For the last group of students who were graduating, he said that the first part of the journey was now over and that we were nearly able to see over the tops of this mountain to get a glimpse of the long and beautiful road ahead of us. He exhorted us to never lose sight of the lawyer's role, that is, to speak truth and justice into darkness with clarity.
And at the end of my four long years in law school, I couldn't believe that I teared really badly when he said that. At that moment, I was reminded of everything that we have gone through in the past 1277(and counting) days; all the readings, the projects, the presentations, the mugging, the birthdays, the heartaches, the moots, the falling outs and falling back ins, the standing by and standing with, the ending and now the beginning. Through it all, I have learned so much from each of you. We have had all kinds of conversations from the superficial, to the intensely intellectual and even sometimes, to the deeply heartfelt. You all have challenged me, grown me and pushed me to be more than what I was. So from the depths of my heart, to all those who held me, put up with me and gave me second chances, I cannot even begin to express to you how grateful I am for everything.
But I remember also, that in SMU, we call it commencement and not graduation. Because the rest of your life really begins afresh from this point. So even as we are atop this mountain, resting and reflecting on all that we went through to get here, my heart is also ready and excited about the new things that You are going to bring me to.
"Did you feel a big difference? Between 19 and 20? I still think I'm the same. If I continue to put in my best on a day-to-day basis, I know when I look back one day, I won't have any regrets. I still believe this. For instance, when you're 16... So sorry to keep referring to 16 , it's just that my mind is forever at 16. Back then, there was always a second chance, like you felt you could always press the reset button. However, now it's not the same. I wish I could live without any attachment to anything. Let's say if I felt like quitting, I would just quit and do what I wanted to do. That's how I want to live my life. I don't want to do something just to fit in."
//CL; 2NE1 TV S3E10
The road to completion is a long one indeed. And there are so many bumps we could fall over, so many potholes we could fall into. Let's hold on to each other and make our way through. At the end, I hope I'll see you.
"Just remember that the things you put into your head are there forever," he said. "You might want to think about that."
"You forget some things, dont you?" "Yes. You forget what you want to remember and you remember what you want to forget.""
//Cormac Mccarthy; On the Road
This week is really a crunch week like nothing I've experienced before. One research paper and one presentation deadline followed by another research paper and written submissions deadlines and a final year exam in the following week. It's like everyone decided to hit you the hardest when you're already down haha. I don't mind the work actually, but I really have a thing against compiling presentation slides! And not because it's hard to do, but because I'm a little OCD about slides. And once I start, I can't stop and I end up spending hours on something that will probably flash past everyone in a few minutes argh.
Haha but I'm trying my best to find joy in everything I do also, cos I know once the term is over, we'll look back and be amazed that the rubber band has stretched another inch without breaking.
"Trust your heart if the seas catch fire, live by love though the stars walk backward." //E.E Cummings
I love the conversations that we have and how they always come back to the same thing. That we have walked the same paths, undergone the same experiences and held each other most of the whole way. Thank you for always affirming me in the choices I make and for encouraging me when I needed it. We may not always get to be together, but I know that we have something definitely special.
"It’s a lie, you know, to pretend that nothing is important to you. It’s hiding. Believe me, I know because I hid for a long time. But now I won’t do it anymore. The truth is bioluminescent. I don’t lie and I don’t waste time on people who do."
//Ellen Wittlinger; Hard Love
Eventually I will have to do this on my own. And the sooner I realise and understand that, the easier it will be in the long run. No need for hand-holding, no need to search for an easy way out, I'm just gonna have to grit my teeth and hold on to my source of strength.
"But then, life is a constant withering of possibilities. Some are stolen with the lives of people you love. Others are let go, with regret and reluctance and deep, deep sorrow. But there is compensation for lives unlived in the intoxicating joy of knowing that the life you have - right here, right now - if the one you have chosen. There is power in that, and hope."
//Emily Maguire; Taming the Beast
It was just a few years ago that we were in school together, playing together, growing up together. Now we're strewn across continents, collecting friends and partners that we don't know and have never met and making stilted conversations for the first time. And we are beginning to look different, slowly but surely
And standing where I am, about to plunge into the next phase of my life, I think I can see the impact of choices made in your twenties. That these choices will surely shape you and define you and determine the person you become. That one day, you will stand at that point and look back and be able to judge all that you've done in these eight years before you turn thirty. And the prospects I've seen scare me, just a bit. That people who I knew when I was young are making these same choices each and everyday and are now standing at the point near thirty, looking back and I don't know if they can say with conviction that they really like what they see.
And that just drives home the point for me. That I can spend the next part of my life clutching at withered possibilities or I can start making the choices I need to make. Right here, right now.
"Something new, they had said. They had a perfect day for it. A day with the blue and gold good weather of anyone's primitive childhood expectations, when the new, brief memory tells itself that this is what is, and therefore was, and therefore will be. A good day to see a new place."
//AS Byatt; Possession
In a moment, we will have used it all away. But for now, we can hold on together in canteens and cafes with conversations and heartohearts, pretending that we still have all the time in the world. Soon, even quicker than soon, we will come to the point where we stand on our own, but for now, for now, we are here and all other those times are running somewhere else.
"Tragedies do happen. We can discover the reason, blame others, imagine how different our lives would be had they not occurred. But none of that is important: they did occur, and so be it. From there onward we must put aside the fear that they awoke in us and begin to rebuild."
//Paulo Coelho
I just realised that this was the first place that I interned at and this will probably be the last place that I will intern at. And interestingly, in those two years, I have made one full circle to be able to see where I came from and where I am going. Something he said struck me and made me wonder, has it really been that long? And by accident, I found one of my old qt journals and while flipping through it, I realised how truly difficult that period of my life was. That once upon a time, I thought that it would all end here and I would never be able to get myself out. But then as I read on and the entries changed, I understood just how faithful he has been, how he has stood shoulder to shoulder with me through it all.
And as I look back on that part of my life, I found that I could say with conviction that, that was just one part of who I ever will be. Is this what growing old feels like? That portions of your life that you thought would always be stuck in pain and hurt could really move on and allow you to become stronger?
If that is what it is all about, then I'm ready to grow up.
"There are so few people given us to love. I want to tell my daughters this, that each time you fall in love it is important, even at nineteen. Especially at nineteen. And if you can, at nineteen, count the people you love on one hand, you will not, at forty, have run out of fingers on the other. There are so few people given us to love and they all stick."
//Anne Enright; The Gathering
There is nothing better than chilling with friends you haven't hung with out in the longest time on a drizzly Saturday afternoon over wings, pizzas, and frappes. Just talking, just sharing, just being authentic. I don't think I will ever tire of hearing peoples' stories; the things they go through, the hurts they have, the ways they learn to have faith in those that they love. And in some ways, it made me think of the ways in which we've grown since we entered Uni and it made me miss the days we spent in utter innocence. When being nice was all that you needed to know about somebody, when hanging out meant we loitered endlessly in coffeeshops, when our only worry was making trainings and tutorials. From when in time did it turn into choices, decisions, lines drawn in the sand?
So let your heart be broken, let your temper be lost. Let your scars heal, let your life go on. What is broken and rebuilt can only be stronger. Beauty is only ever found in imperfection.
"But he hadn’t been overwhelmed to the point of incapacity. The after-effects had not weakened or permanently damaged him. Perhaps he’d even been strengthened. That’s what bad events were supposed to do to you, provided you were tough enough to start."
//Rachel Anderson; Red Moon
I've been so distracted and tired this whole week that it feels a bit like I'm trying too darn hard to do so many things at the same time that I'm beginning to run on empty. Maybe in all the hustles and bustles, I forgot to look to who I am and what I live for. Forgot that I am not valued for where I've gone, what I've done or how I look. Forgot that I am yours, And where else am I better reminded of this than on Fridays? In the brief moments I had though, I'm grateful for the people and friends I've met this week, thankful for the advice, the kindness and the heartstohearts.
Fall down, pick yourself up. Over and over, begin again.
“There’s a widespread notion that children are open, that the truth about their inner selves just seeps out of them. That’s all wrong. No one is more covert than a child, and no one has greater cause to be that way. It’s a response to a world that’s always using a tin-opener on them to see what they are on the inside, just in case it ought to be replaced with a more useful type of tinned foodstuff."
//Peter Høeg; Miss Smilla's Sense of Snow
Is your life turning out the way you expected it to? Are you making it safely through the turns and the twists, the let-downs and the disappointments? Today S shared about his past five years studying culinary arts in TP. He said that when he started out, he thought that it would just be something to pass his years in school, but over time, he understood that it had become more than that. It had turned into a lifelong passion, an important element of who he was, and he could not imagine it not being part of his life. And it made me wonder - how many of us are fortunate enough to find something that we care so deeply about? And are we as intensely passionate about the things that we are doing now, in this stage of our lives?
I hope we are, because that's the best way to roll.
"You know, it’s quite a job to start loving somebody. You have to have energy, generosity, blindness. There is even a moment, in the very beginning, when you have to jump across a precipice: if you think about it you don’t do it. I know I’ll never jump again." //Jean Paul Satre; Nausea
I think that I'm on the point of realising that I can't make all things right for everybody. That beyond a certain limit, if that is how things are going to fall, it's really just out of my hands. I don't think I'm giving up or ceding ground, it's just that I have better things and people to spend my time, energy and commitment on. I've really learnt a lot from all that was said, but I'm ready to move on.
