"Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it. What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit their very self?” //Luke 9:23-25 (NIV Version)
Today, I come to the end of a journey that I've walked for five years. Today, I stand at the starting line of a new marathon that may last for a lifetime. Today, I am called to the Bar. Many people have asked me what it means to be called. Simply put, to be called to the Bar means to be legally qualified to represent your client in court and to argue on his behalf. Historically, it was used to refer to wooden barriers in old courtrooms, which acted as a divide between the public area and the space in front of the judges that was reserved for those having business with the Court. And even today, if you go into a modern courtroom, it still refers to the closed-off area in front of the judges that are reserved for lawyers arguing before the Court. In short, to be called means you now have the right of audience before the Court. But to be called also means 'to have a calling'. A calling to do the will of the one who called me to carry out his purposes. And as I start my first week as a legal associate, I am reminded to look back on where and why I started on this journey. To remember that it is not money, skills or status that makes a good lawyer but a passion to serve and a willingness to be used. For his purposes always, and not my own. So I stand at the starting line and I lay down all my achievements again. To build an altar to you, committing the rest of my career as a lawyer to you. Do with me what you will. So that as I walk into this working world, I will never lose sight of what I love. That daily, I will take up my cross and follow you. Where you lead me, always make my heart willing to go.
"Everyone who thirsts, come to the waters;
And you who have no money, come, buy and eat.
Yes, come, buy wine and milk without money and without price. Why do you spend money for what is not bread, and your wages for what does not satisfy?
Listen carefully to Me, and eat what is good, and let your soul delight itself in abundance. Incline your ear, and come to Me.
Hear, and your soul shall live." //Isaiah 55:2-3
My granddad has been in and out of the hospital this month and my grandmom has come to the conclusion that he shouldn't do any surgery because of the danger and complications involved. While alone with her before dinner last week, she put it to me plainly, that we wait for the timing of the Lord. If it is His will to call him back to the Lord's house, then so be it. At his age, he has tasted the good things on this earth and seen his family and grandchildren grow up. There's no need to do a complicated procedure and risk the pain that comes with the surgery. And while speaking with her, Psalm 23 came to my mind. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for You are with me. Your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table for me in the presence of my enemies, you appoint my head with oil so that my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of my Lord forever. And a thought that my cellie shared before came to mind, never lose sight of what is important in this life. That after all is said and done, only one thing and one truth remains, that we are pilgrims that do not belong here, passing through to somewhere else that we were meant to be. For he is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep, to gain what he cannot lose. What good will I be as a person, a leader, a lawyer if I do not even know what is eternal and worthy of attention? So as I am finishing up the last of the Bar and its exams, and going into work, let me get my perspective right. That nothing of the world is ever worth me giving up the time that I have set aside to honour and be with you.
"Strength and honor are her clothing;
She shall rejoice in time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness ... Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Honour her for all that her hands have done,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate." //Proverbs 31:25-26, 30-31
How funny it is that I shared this verse with someone whom I thought needed it two months ago, when the person who really needed it all along was me. So I really liked the location of BFF and their pancakes so I brought them there for lunch on Saturday since the rest of the sisters were gonna be busy the whole day. And I think I was really impacted by some of the things they shared with me over lunch, by the words they spoke into my life that day. I think it's true that I've been living my life with reference to the wrong things, that I've been blindsided by what the world thinks is important and necessary. That I've almost had a sort of tunnel vision just because of a perspective I heard so long ago, and have forgotten to broaden my viewpoint to include the qualities that are truly significant. And when they told me that, it was as if the mist that I've been struggling with for so long finally lifted. Because when I look around me, I suddenly realise that I do see so many things that are worthy of pursuit, so many qualities that are worthy of my desire. That in the past few months alone, I've met people with so much strength of character, depth of wisdom, grace and mercy that is beyond me. I've met people who shepherd and serve without calling attention to themselves, people who never ask to be taken care of but are always looking out for others, people who are always ready to speak love and encouragement into hopeless situations. And when I think of all these people, I realise that I've really been struggling with something that is peripheral to who I am. That I've loved and esteemed the things that are fleeting and deceptive, which I've never really needed all along. So I'm starting over again, beginning from scratch. Stepping into another season of my life, in pursuit of the things that should really matter.
"No eye has seen. no ear has heard, no mind has conceived, what God has prepared for those who love Him." //1 Corinthians 2:9 (NIV Version) This time, I think it's different. This time, I know that everything is committed into his hands. This time, I know that my family is with me every step of the way, encouraging and pushing me forward. Everything that I do not yet know, I place at the foot of your cross and say, it is yours. All I need to do is remain in your presence and listen when you call. Every step of this journey, I will trace and remember.
"And he will [come and] turn the hearts of the fathers to the children,
And the hearts of the children to their fathers."
//Malachi 4:6 (NKJV Version)
Last Sunday was Father's Day and we brought our Dad & Mom to Sushi Tei to celebrate. Even more than we enjoyed the food and the fellowship, I was touched by how far God has brought our family. That He has started healing the wounds that were in our midst, bringing us closer together and He is now using us to bring healing to those around us.
Dr Corne Bekker said something very true and moving during the Father Day's service on Sunday. He said that God's ultimate desire to is to bring forth healing in our hearts and that we would only be able to heal our families when our own hearts have been healed, when we experience the extraordinary love of our God as our heavenly father.
I don't know if you have been working very hard to repair or hold your family together or if right now, your hearts are not turned towards your parents, but I think the first step is to put everything down, come before God and tell Him that you yourself need healing first. And I think that has been very true for me. I was fairly rebellious in secondary school and for some reason, I got easily angry at whatever my parents said. Little things would provoke me and there would be times when I would be writing furiously in my diary, bemoaning how unfair they were to me.
But as I grew up, I began to realise that my parents were not perfect and they themselves needed healing and restoration. I saw how my mother's relationship with her parents affected her view of her self-worth and I saw how my father's loss of his own father early on in life caused him to always long for fatherly affection. And as I saw all these, I realised that my own hard work could not keep my family together, that no amount of prodding or pushing could bring us to where we needed to be.
But the end of myself is really the beginning of God. I realised that I needed to be healed first and experience God's love for myself before I could touch my family. And He truly is faithful. Even though our Sunday devotions got off to a fairly rocky and argumentative start, we have continued it till today and through all the sharing, the hurt, the joy and the pain, we've also began to see the beginning of the fruits of His faithfulness.
So if you're struggling today, don't strive any longer. Put everything down and just whisper it softly to Him. Tell Him that you need his presence, protection, attention, affection, peace and comfort. Ask Him to heal the wounds that have accumulated over the years. And ask Him to keep your family together.
My God is a promise-keeper. He will never let you down.
"To whom then will you liken Me,
Or to whom shall I be equal?” says the Holy One. Lift up your eyes on high,
And see who has created these things,
Who brings out their host by number;
He calls them all by name,
By the greatness of His might
And the strength of His power;
Not one is missing."
//Isaiah 40:25-26 (NKJV Version)
What does it mean when someone says, "He has carried me through the seasons?" I think I received some new insights when we visited our grandfather after dinner today.
My granddad is now 86 years old and he's not as strong and healthy as he used to be. I still remember the times when he would go to Chinatown and buy duck and other medicinal stuff, then come back in the afternoon, sit in his chair in front of the TV and nag endlessly at the grandkids who would be making tons of noise in the room. But over the past 10 years, a lot has changed. He's become a lot frailer and he can no longer walk steadily, so that he's in a wheelchair if we go out. His lungs are slowly breaking down and won't get better so that he uses a breathing machine throughout the night to help him breathe. He can no longer go out on his own, most days, he either rests in bed or comes out just to watch a bit of TV.
Recently, he had a lung and urinary tract infection and somehow after dinner, we ran into our aunt and she asked us to go up and see him, So we did. And while standing in his room, I was struck by how similar this scene was as when my paternal grandma was in her last few months of life. I saw the same shrunken shoulders, the shallow breathing and the sometimes glazed over expressions.
But then my dad read Psalms 103 which says, "Bless the Lord, O my soul;
And all that is within me, bless His holy name! Bless the Lord, O my soul,
And forget not all His benefits: Who forgives all your iniquities,
Who heals all your diseases, Who redeems your life from destruction,
Who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies, Who satisfies your mouth with good things,
So that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s."
And at that moment, I realised what it means to proclaim that God will carry me through all the seasons. It means that one day, I will get old and I might be ill and I might not be able to praise and worship Him like I do now. But then, even then, I am not alone when I walk through the shadow of the valley of death. Even then, He is the Shepherd who holds my hand to personally lead me and guide me. Even when my future children and grandchildren cannot understand totally the pain I am going through then, He knows, and He will be with me in the last leg of the race.
I don't fully understand why people get old, and sometimes suffer before they leave this world. And seeing my granddad and my paternal grandma before him, I can understand a little why people sometimes talk about euthanasia and wanting to live a life of quality instead. But at the same time, when I read through verse after verse in the Bible, I am reminded that He is my God, unchanging even as I grow up and I begin to age, slowly but surely.
Perhaps one day I might be in the same position as my granddad. When that time comes, I want to see this post again and be reminded of my God's faithfulness. And tell myself that even when I have to breathe shallowly or with the help of machines, I will lift up my hands and tell people of my God's chesed, His endless lovingkindness.
"He has sent me to heal the broken-hearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord, and the day of vengeance of our God;
To comfort all who mourn, to console those who mourn in Zion, to give them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness."
//Isaiah 61:1-3 (NKJV Version)
There was once a time when I thought I would never be able to understand what it meant to go past the age of twentyone, when I thought that getting into your mid-twenties meant that I was getting old, well and proper. But this year, I turned twentythree and I'm only beginning to see that this time truly, is the time of my life. Looking back so far, this has been a year of milestones for me. I conquered the Jessup, officially graduated from law school and am going to move from Highlife to Onelife in church. And in this period where I am waiting to take the Bar exam and be called, I am really enjoying a time of rest and recharging that I've not experienced in the past four years of school life.
Thankfully I've also had the opportunity to think more deeply about the direction that I want my life and ministry to go in. This morning I was suddenly reminded of the verse, He has traded our ashes for a crown of beauty. And I was reminded that I am here and saved by grace, that my life was nothing until He came and reached out for me in my times of desperation. He took away my ashes and gave me beauty, He exchanged my despair for joy and He gave me hope in darkness. Where would I be without you? Because of this, I know that I want to continue to grow and reach out to people who do not yet have this hope in their lives. To minister to those who are sick, who have lost hope, who cannot find the strength to take the steps in front of them.
I know that I'm in no way perfect or near completion, but God hasn't called me to do the impossible. All He asks is that I trade in my brokenness so that He can give me wings. And this I will learn to do, each and every day. I know that there is a lot coming my way when I enter the law profession, that there will be trials and temptations, stress and suffering and that my values will probably be challenged at each turn. But I also know that there is One who has conquered the world and that He is for me. Nothing is impossible for Him.
Thus, I want to commit to continue praying and supporting my family and friends, to continue to go for cell and prayer meets even when the going gets tough, to grow and eventually find an area of ministry that I can serve in. I want to hold onto his vision until it comes to pass in my life. I want zeal for your household to consume me.
You've carried me for the past twentythree years and my gratitude to you knows no bounds. Continue to lead me all the way.
"She seems so cool, so focused, so quiet, yet her eyes remain fixed upon the horizon. You think you know all there is to know about her immediately upon meeting her, but everything you think you know is wrong. Passion flows through her like a river of blood. She only looked away for a moment, and the mask slipped, and you fell. All your tomorrows start here."
//Neil Gaiman; Fragile Things
The past two weeks have been so whirlwind crazy that I didn't really get the time to sit down and sift through all my thoughts. Before I knew it, Washington was over and so was the four years of my life in law school. And now is the time to properly say goodbye to it all.
During his closing remarks for the Jessup 2012, Ian Forrester QC spoke about some things that touched me deeply. He said that everyone in the room was probably facing or had just been climbing over some mountain in their lives. For most, they had to live with and navigate the intricacies of public international law for a good part of the year; for some, they had to go through hell and high water just to be able to afford a ticket to Washington and appear before the judge; still for others, this would be their last Jessup because they would be graduating and facing the prospect of paying off the mountain of student debt they had incurred just to read law. Then he ended with a word of encouragement,
For the last group of students who were graduating, he said that the first part of the journey was now over and that we were nearly able to see over the tops of this mountain to get a glimpse of the long and beautiful road ahead of us. He exhorted us to never lose sight of the lawyer's role, that is, to speak truth and justice into darkness with clarity.
And at the end of my four long years in law school, I couldn't believe that I teared really badly when he said that. At that moment, I was reminded of everything that we have gone through in the past 1277(and counting) days; all the readings, the projects, the presentations, the mugging, the birthdays, the heartaches, the moots, the falling outs and falling back ins, the standing by and standing with, the ending and now the beginning. Through it all, I have learned so much from each of you. We have had all kinds of conversations from the superficial, to the intensely intellectual and even sometimes, to the deeply heartfelt. You all have challenged me, grown me and pushed me to be more than what I was. So from the depths of my heart, to all those who held me, put up with me and gave me second chances, I cannot even begin to express to you how grateful I am for everything.
But I remember also, that in SMU, we call it commencement and not graduation. Because the rest of your life really begins afresh from this point. So even as we are atop this mountain, resting and reflecting on all that we went through to get here, my heart is also ready and excited about the new things that You are going to bring me to.
7 March 2012
;22:47 "Did you feel a big difference? Between 19 and 20? I still think I'm the same. If I continue to put in my best on a day-to-day basis, I know when I look back one day, I won't have any regrets. I still believe this. For instance, when you're 16... So sorry to keep referring to 16 , it's just that my mind is forever at 16. Back then, there was always a second chance, like you felt you could always press the reset button. However, now it's not the same. I wish I could live without any attachment to anything. Let's say if I felt like quitting, I would just quit and do what I wanted to do. That's how I want to live my life. I don't want to do something just to fit in."
//CL; 2NE1 TV S3E10
The road to completion is a long one indeed. And there are so many bumps we could fall over, so many potholes we could fall into. Let's hold on to each other and make our way through. At the end, I hope I'll see you.
It was unexplainable and inexplicable, even to myself. But all it took was a moment and you understood, completely. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. That must be wisdom. It spoke directly to the things on my heart and unknotted something that had been growing for a while. I know that in and of itself, the sentiment was probably not mistaken or imprecise, in fact it may even have been spot on. But it just made me vaguely uncomfortable and upset for some reason. And I know that it was probably not meant to be taken this way, but that's what careless words do and sometimes we ourselves don't even know how powerful they can be. All in all, I will not allow something like that to get me down again. I've come too far and fallen too often for that and it would be starting over from scratch for things to go down this path again.
I will build you up and you will be rebuilt, this is what I hold on to. So for now, I'm done with this conversation.
"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. Therefore, do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
//2 Corinthians 4: 7-9, 16, 18
Today there was a post that went viral on FB within a few hours but eventually was removed. And it provoked a conversation between my sister and I; and I was moved to hear such wise words from her. There will always be a strong reaction. You will either love it or hate it, there is rarely a lukewarm reaction because it was always meant to be this way. The important thing is that You allowed it to happen.
So, today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your heart.
4 February 2012
;21:42 How do you begin to describe the ending of something that consumed your life for six months and turned it completely upside down? How do you begin the process of putting together all the tears, joy, pain, blood and sweat that went into and finally came down to one hundred and ten pages and three hours?
Let me begin with gratitude. To the One who put me there and carried me through; to the coaches and judging panels who gave so much of their weeknights and more; to my teammates who stuck out the hours of no-eating, no-sleeping and endless rewriting with me; to the friends who walked beside me, listened and supported me when the going was at its toughest; to my family who tirelessly put up with all my ups and downs. I am here only because of all of you. So thank you for seeing me through, I am truly grateful.
Then let me start on change. For six months, this has been so much a part of my life, that now I feel a little at a loss as to what to do next. But the amazing thing is I know that I'm not walking away from it empty-handed. I've learnt what it means to trust with all your heart, to push your limits constantly, to dig deep and find strength to carry on. And I know I can never be the same again.
I know that this is the end of something great, and I wished that it didn't have to come so soon. Even so, I'm so glad that I had this opportunity to do something awesome before I graduate from SMU and I know that if I were given a chance, I'd willingly do it all again in a heartbeat.
Blessed are those who find wisdom, those who gain understanding for she is more profitable than silver and yields better returns than fine gold. She is more precious than rubies, and all the things you may desire cannot compare with her.
"But then, life is a constant withering of possibilities. Some are stolen with the lives of people you love. Others are let go, with regret and reluctance and deep, deep sorrow. But there is compensation for lives unlived in the intoxicating joy of knowing that the life you have - right here, right now - if the one you have chosen. There is power in that, and hope."
//Emily Maguire; Taming the Beast
It was just a few years ago that we were in school together, playing together, growing up together. Now we're strewn across continents, collecting friends and partners that we don't know and have never met and making stilted conversations for the first time. And we are beginning to look different, slowly but surely
And standing where I am, about to plunge into the next phase of my life, I think I can see the impact of choices made in your twenties. That these choices will surely shape you and define you and determine the person you become. That one day, you will stand at that point and look back and be able to judge all that you've done in these eight years before you turn thirty. And the prospects I've seen scare me, just a bit. That people who I knew when I was young are making these same choices each and everyday and are now standing at the point near thirty, looking back and I don't know if they can say with conviction that they really like what they see.
And that just drives home the point for me. That I can spend the next part of my life clutching at withered possibilities or I can start making the choices I need to make. Right here, right now.
"There is a point at which everything becomes simple and there is no longer any question of choice, because all you have staked will be lost if you look back. Life’s point of no return."
//Dag Hammarskjöld
It almost feels like waking up from a difficult dream to find that everything was hurled out of place and then re-arranged. Not exactly where you yourself would have placed them if you could have, but arranged in the way that it always should have been. And it's all such a mess of confusion and decisions and excitement and fear, that when you finally get the time to sit down and think about the craziness of it all, I'm just really glad that it's all over. And thankful that at every step of the way, you met me more than halfway.
That you gave me people who stuck it out with me at coffee joints and fastfood places, people who stayed with me into the late nights and early mornings, people who willingly carried me through the sometimes sheer awfulness of it all. I understand that you can't explain everything to everybody, and that sometimes it's enough that those who get it do, but all the same, I know that I've learnt so much through it all. Even now I don't know for sure what lies ahead or how I'm going to make it through the rest of the way, but I know that I will always be safe when you've got my back.
"Love is divine only and difficult always. If you think it is easy you are a fool. If you think it is natural you are blind. It is a learned application without reason or motive except that it is God."
//Toni Morrison; Paradise
I enjoyed the one-and-a-half months that I had the whole bedroom to myself but I love the time we spend together as a family even more, way way more. Here's to jokes, songs and all sorts of quirks that only we will understand.
26 December 2009
;23:02"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."
//John 3:16
thank you for friends, morning to afternoon intimate gatherings, senseless talk, lame-assed jokes, egg tarts made with love, defrosted meatballs from Ikea, tomyam beehoon and pepper sausages.
thank you for family, warmth, love, reminiscing, sharing love and heartache stories, telling the truth, cousins, comfort, carolling, strength to go on, turkey ham, lamb with sauce, orange punch, red wine, homemade log cake (by me!), rowdiness, noise, gifts, the most amazing game of pictionary.
thank you for being with me every step of the way and loving me by giving me the most precious gift of life.
Merry merry Christmas, I hope your Christmas was blessed !
21 December 2009
;17:31"Romance takes place in the middle distance. Romance is looking in at yourself through a window clouded with dew. Romance means leaving things out; where life grunts and shuffles, romance only sighs." //Margaret Atwood
so because our parents decided that we were not going overseas this year, they decided to bring us on a local day-tour instead. hahaha, ohmy I haven't been on a day-tour in years and years lah, I think the last time was in secondary school when we went to a chinese exhibition about tea? my parents having our breakfast before we get onto the bus and my bus mate for the day, my second sister! I think we were already the oldest kids on the bus lah, everyone else was like in primary school or kindergarten haha.
first stop was tassler's salmon factory and warehouse somewhere in woodlands! the salmon here is really cheap apparently and it's fresh! there's a really strong fish smell the moment you get off the bus and go near the factory.
defrosting, deboning, slicing and breading to make breaded salmon! racks of salmon! it wasn't as much fun as I thought at the salmon factory since their main job is to defrost salmon that was caught overseas. I thought there would be some real life salmon swimming around in a pond for us to see :(
us outside tassler's!
then the next stop was the bird nest's warehouse! unfortunately, we couldn't go into the factory because of H1N1 precautions. but the guy giving the bird's nest presentation was quite interesting haha.
blood's bird nest! the reason that the bird's nest is dark red in colour is because of the swiftlet's diet that causes its saliva to be red. apparently, there's a story that the bird's nest is red because the bird worked so hard to build the nest that it vomitted blood haha!
after lunch, we headed to the organic farm!
they sell edible cactuses at the organic farm market!
mushroooooms!
us inside the mushroom tent! the only thing that wasn't so great about the day tour was that most of the time was spent buying the things they offer at each stop instead of the actual touring of the location can.
last stop was the gardenia bread factory! this was actually the best part of the tour because we got to tour the factory and they gave us loads of free bread at the end! but sadly, we weren't allowed to take any pictures inside the factory. they have a damn cool bread cooler that can cool up to 8,000 loaves of bread at one time! haha, I didn't know day-tours can be so much fun lah!
26 July 2009
;19:01"Consciousness is a light directed outwards, it lights up the way ahead of us so that we don't stumble. It's like the headlights on the front of a locomotive - turn them inward and you'd crash." //Boris Pasternak; Dr Zhivago
my family on my dad's side is kinda obsessed with having dim sum! we've been having dim sum lunches for 3 weeks straight already, cant keep count of the no. of char siew baos I've had keke. this time, went to fei mao at chinatown point. had lots of dim sum but only managed to take pics of 3 durian balls before everything was eaten up la. apparently, the kimchi here is super nice cos my sisters kept eating kimchi cucumbers instead of proper food.
and the coconut dessert is pretty special cos they have some sort of pudding with ice-cream mixed with the coconut flesh inside. my sister kept trying to entice me to eat but urghh not my kind of sweet haha, I'd rather have thick, warm chocolate brownies!
a good three hours later - the savage aftermath!
and our only male cousin, calebeee! he's darn adorable cos he can speak now but it's super hard to catch him smiling in a photo cos babies move so fast!
and us camwhoring, trying out the 4 snapshot functions thingie on my sister's camera haha. but the quality sucks cos it moves between 4 frames super fast, its damn hard to capture the expressions!
more or less, things have been settled. I think the good thing out of it all is that I learnt that my actions have repercussions on other people, whether I mean it or not. so even now, I regret a little what I've been feeling and the result it's led to. I know that it was fortunate that the small flames were put out before they burned down everything, but in the process of firefighting, people have still been hurt and stressed and now I'm worried about other stuff. love can be hard as sticks and stones sometimes, we just have to ride the rough patch out.
let God provide, I know, I will remind myself of that.
"Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it. What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit their very self?” //Luke 9:23-25 (NIV Version)
Today, I come to the end of a journey that I've walked for five years. Today, I stand at the starting line of a new marathon that may last for a lifetime. Today, I am called to the Bar. Many people have asked me what it means to be called. Simply put, to be called to the Bar means to be legally qualified to represent your client in court and to argue on his behalf. Historically, it was used to refer to wooden barriers in old courtrooms, which acted as a divide between the public area and the space in front of the judges that was reserved for those having business with the Court. And even today, if you go into a modern courtroom, it still refers to the closed-off area in front of the judges that are reserved for lawyers arguing before the Court. In short, to be called means you now have the right of audience before the Court. But to be called also means 'to have a calling'. A calling to do the will of the one who called me to carry out his purposes. And as I start my first week as a legal associate, I am reminded to look back on where and why I started on this journey. To remember that it is not money, skills or status that makes a good lawyer but a passion to serve and a willingness to be used. For his purposes always, and not my own. So I stand at the starting line and I lay down all my achievements again. To build an altar to you, committing the rest of my career as a lawyer to you. Do with me what you will. So that as I walk into this working world, I will never lose sight of what I love. That daily, I will take up my cross and follow you. Where you lead me, always make my heart willing to go.
"Everyone who thirsts, come to the waters;
And you who have no money, come, buy and eat.
Yes, come, buy wine and milk without money and without price. Why do you spend money for what is not bread, and your wages for what does not satisfy?
Listen carefully to Me, and eat what is good, and let your soul delight itself in abundance. Incline your ear, and come to Me.
Hear, and your soul shall live." //Isaiah 55:2-3
My granddad has been in and out of the hospital this month and my grandmom has come to the conclusion that he shouldn't do any surgery because of the danger and complications involved. While alone with her before dinner last week, she put it to me plainly, that we wait for the timing of the Lord. If it is His will to call him back to the Lord's house, then so be it. At his age, he has tasted the good things on this earth and seen his family and grandchildren grow up. There's no need to do a complicated procedure and risk the pain that comes with the surgery. And while speaking with her, Psalm 23 came to my mind. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for You are with me. Your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table for me in the presence of my enemies, you appoint my head with oil so that my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of my Lord forever. And a thought that my cellie shared before came to mind, never lose sight of what is important in this life. That after all is said and done, only one thing and one truth remains, that we are pilgrims that do not belong here, passing through to somewhere else that we were meant to be. For he is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep, to gain what he cannot lose. What good will I be as a person, a leader, a lawyer if I do not even know what is eternal and worthy of attention? So as I am finishing up the last of the Bar and its exams, and going into work, let me get my perspective right. That nothing of the world is ever worth me giving up the time that I have set aside to honour and be with you.
"Strength and honor are her clothing;
She shall rejoice in time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness ... Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Honour her for all that her hands have done,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate." //Proverbs 31:25-26, 30-31
How funny it is that I shared this verse with someone whom I thought needed it two months ago, when the person who really needed it all along was me. So I really liked the location of BFF and their pancakes so I brought them there for lunch on Saturday since the rest of the sisters were gonna be busy the whole day. And I think I was really impacted by some of the things they shared with me over lunch, by the words they spoke into my life that day. I think it's true that I've been living my life with reference to the wrong things, that I've been blindsided by what the world thinks is important and necessary. That I've almost had a sort of tunnel vision just because of a perspective I heard so long ago, and have forgotten to broaden my viewpoint to include the qualities that are truly significant. And when they told me that, it was as if the mist that I've been struggling with for so long finally lifted. Because when I look around me, I suddenly realise that I do see so many things that are worthy of pursuit, so many qualities that are worthy of my desire. That in the past few months alone, I've met people with so much strength of character, depth of wisdom, grace and mercy that is beyond me. I've met people who shepherd and serve without calling attention to themselves, people who never ask to be taken care of but are always looking out for others, people who are always ready to speak love and encouragement into hopeless situations. And when I think of all these people, I realise that I've really been struggling with something that is peripheral to who I am. That I've loved and esteemed the things that are fleeting and deceptive, which I've never really needed all along. So I'm starting over again, beginning from scratch. Stepping into another season of my life, in pursuit of the things that should really matter.
"No eye has seen. no ear has heard, no mind has conceived, what God has prepared for those who love Him." //1 Corinthians 2:9 (NIV Version) This time, I think it's different. This time, I know that everything is committed into his hands. This time, I know that my family is with me every step of the way, encouraging and pushing me forward. Everything that I do not yet know, I place at the foot of your cross and say, it is yours. All I need to do is remain in your presence and listen when you call. Every step of this journey, I will trace and remember.
"And he will [come and] turn the hearts of the fathers to the children,
And the hearts of the children to their fathers."
//Malachi 4:6 (NKJV Version)
Last Sunday was Father's Day and we brought our Dad & Mom to Sushi Tei to celebrate. Even more than we enjoyed the food and the fellowship, I was touched by how far God has brought our family. That He has started healing the wounds that were in our midst, bringing us closer together and He is now using us to bring healing to those around us.
Dr Corne Bekker said something very true and moving during the Father Day's service on Sunday. He said that God's ultimate desire to is to bring forth healing in our hearts and that we would only be able to heal our families when our own hearts have been healed, when we experience the extraordinary love of our God as our heavenly father.
I don't know if you have been working very hard to repair or hold your family together or if right now, your hearts are not turned towards your parents, but I think the first step is to put everything down, come before God and tell Him that you yourself need healing first. And I think that has been very true for me. I was fairly rebellious in secondary school and for some reason, I got easily angry at whatever my parents said. Little things would provoke me and there would be times when I would be writing furiously in my diary, bemoaning how unfair they were to me.
But as I grew up, I began to realise that my parents were not perfect and they themselves needed healing and restoration. I saw how my mother's relationship with her parents affected her view of her self-worth and I saw how my father's loss of his own father early on in life caused him to always long for fatherly affection. And as I saw all these, I realised that my own hard work could not keep my family together, that no amount of prodding or pushing could bring us to where we needed to be.
But the end of myself is really the beginning of God. I realised that I needed to be healed first and experience God's love for myself before I could touch my family. And He truly is faithful. Even though our Sunday devotions got off to a fairly rocky and argumentative start, we have continued it till today and through all the sharing, the hurt, the joy and the pain, we've also began to see the beginning of the fruits of His faithfulness.
So if you're struggling today, don't strive any longer. Put everything down and just whisper it softly to Him. Tell Him that you need his presence, protection, attention, affection, peace and comfort. Ask Him to heal the wounds that have accumulated over the years. And ask Him to keep your family together.
My God is a promise-keeper. He will never let you down.
"To whom then will you liken Me,
Or to whom shall I be equal?” says the Holy One. Lift up your eyes on high,
And see who has created these things,
Who brings out their host by number;
He calls them all by name,
By the greatness of His might
And the strength of His power;
Not one is missing."
//Isaiah 40:25-26 (NKJV Version)
What does it mean when someone says, "He has carried me through the seasons?" I think I received some new insights when we visited our grandfather after dinner today.
My granddad is now 86 years old and he's not as strong and healthy as he used to be. I still remember the times when he would go to Chinatown and buy duck and other medicinal stuff, then come back in the afternoon, sit in his chair in front of the TV and nag endlessly at the grandkids who would be making tons of noise in the room. But over the past 10 years, a lot has changed. He's become a lot frailer and he can no longer walk steadily, so that he's in a wheelchair if we go out. His lungs are slowly breaking down and won't get better so that he uses a breathing machine throughout the night to help him breathe. He can no longer go out on his own, most days, he either rests in bed or comes out just to watch a bit of TV.
Recently, he had a lung and urinary tract infection and somehow after dinner, we ran into our aunt and she asked us to go up and see him, So we did. And while standing in his room, I was struck by how similar this scene was as when my paternal grandma was in her last few months of life. I saw the same shrunken shoulders, the shallow breathing and the sometimes glazed over expressions.
But then my dad read Psalms 103 which says, "Bless the Lord, O my soul;
And all that is within me, bless His holy name! Bless the Lord, O my soul,
And forget not all His benefits: Who forgives all your iniquities,
Who heals all your diseases, Who redeems your life from destruction,
Who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies, Who satisfies your mouth with good things,
So that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s."
And at that moment, I realised what it means to proclaim that God will carry me through all the seasons. It means that one day, I will get old and I might be ill and I might not be able to praise and worship Him like I do now. But then, even then, I am not alone when I walk through the shadow of the valley of death. Even then, He is the Shepherd who holds my hand to personally lead me and guide me. Even when my future children and grandchildren cannot understand totally the pain I am going through then, He knows, and He will be with me in the last leg of the race.
I don't fully understand why people get old, and sometimes suffer before they leave this world. And seeing my granddad and my paternal grandma before him, I can understand a little why people sometimes talk about euthanasia and wanting to live a life of quality instead. But at the same time, when I read through verse after verse in the Bible, I am reminded that He is my God, unchanging even as I grow up and I begin to age, slowly but surely.
Perhaps one day I might be in the same position as my granddad. When that time comes, I want to see this post again and be reminded of my God's faithfulness. And tell myself that even when I have to breathe shallowly or with the help of machines, I will lift up my hands and tell people of my God's chesed, His endless lovingkindness.
"He has sent me to heal the broken-hearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord, and the day of vengeance of our God;
To comfort all who mourn, to console those who mourn in Zion, to give them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness."
//Isaiah 61:1-3 (NKJV Version)
There was once a time when I thought I would never be able to understand what it meant to go past the age of twentyone, when I thought that getting into your mid-twenties meant that I was getting old, well and proper. But this year, I turned twentythree and I'm only beginning to see that this time truly, is the time of my life. Looking back so far, this has been a year of milestones for me. I conquered the Jessup, officially graduated from law school and am going to move from Highlife to Onelife in church. And in this period where I am waiting to take the Bar exam and be called, I am really enjoying a time of rest and recharging that I've not experienced in the past four years of school life.
Thankfully I've also had the opportunity to think more deeply about the direction that I want my life and ministry to go in. This morning I was suddenly reminded of the verse, He has traded our ashes for a crown of beauty. And I was reminded that I am here and saved by grace, that my life was nothing until He came and reached out for me in my times of desperation. He took away my ashes and gave me beauty, He exchanged my despair for joy and He gave me hope in darkness. Where would I be without you? Because of this, I know that I want to continue to grow and reach out to people who do not yet have this hope in their lives. To minister to those who are sick, who have lost hope, who cannot find the strength to take the steps in front of them.
I know that I'm in no way perfect or near completion, but God hasn't called me to do the impossible. All He asks is that I trade in my brokenness so that He can give me wings. And this I will learn to do, each and every day. I know that there is a lot coming my way when I enter the law profession, that there will be trials and temptations, stress and suffering and that my values will probably be challenged at each turn. But I also know that there is One who has conquered the world and that He is for me. Nothing is impossible for Him.
Thus, I want to commit to continue praying and supporting my family and friends, to continue to go for cell and prayer meets even when the going gets tough, to grow and eventually find an area of ministry that I can serve in. I want to hold onto his vision until it comes to pass in my life. I want zeal for your household to consume me.
You've carried me for the past twentythree years and my gratitude to you knows no bounds. Continue to lead me all the way.
"She seems so cool, so focused, so quiet, yet her eyes remain fixed upon the horizon. You think you know all there is to know about her immediately upon meeting her, but everything you think you know is wrong. Passion flows through her like a river of blood. She only looked away for a moment, and the mask slipped, and you fell. All your tomorrows start here."
//Neil Gaiman; Fragile Things
The past two weeks have been so whirlwind crazy that I didn't really get the time to sit down and sift through all my thoughts. Before I knew it, Washington was over and so was the four years of my life in law school. And now is the time to properly say goodbye to it all.
During his closing remarks for the Jessup 2012, Ian Forrester QC spoke about some things that touched me deeply. He said that everyone in the room was probably facing or had just been climbing over some mountain in their lives. For most, they had to live with and navigate the intricacies of public international law for a good part of the year; for some, they had to go through hell and high water just to be able to afford a ticket to Washington and appear before the judge; still for others, this would be their last Jessup because they would be graduating and facing the prospect of paying off the mountain of student debt they had incurred just to read law. Then he ended with a word of encouragement,
For the last group of students who were graduating, he said that the first part of the journey was now over and that we were nearly able to see over the tops of this mountain to get a glimpse of the long and beautiful road ahead of us. He exhorted us to never lose sight of the lawyer's role, that is, to speak truth and justice into darkness with clarity.
And at the end of my four long years in law school, I couldn't believe that I teared really badly when he said that. At that moment, I was reminded of everything that we have gone through in the past 1277(and counting) days; all the readings, the projects, the presentations, the mugging, the birthdays, the heartaches, the moots, the falling outs and falling back ins, the standing by and standing with, the ending and now the beginning. Through it all, I have learned so much from each of you. We have had all kinds of conversations from the superficial, to the intensely intellectual and even sometimes, to the deeply heartfelt. You all have challenged me, grown me and pushed me to be more than what I was. So from the depths of my heart, to all those who held me, put up with me and gave me second chances, I cannot even begin to express to you how grateful I am for everything.
But I remember also, that in SMU, we call it commencement and not graduation. Because the rest of your life really begins afresh from this point. So even as we are atop this mountain, resting and reflecting on all that we went through to get here, my heart is also ready and excited about the new things that You are going to bring me to.
"Did you feel a big difference? Between 19 and 20? I still think I'm the same. If I continue to put in my best on a day-to-day basis, I know when I look back one day, I won't have any regrets. I still believe this. For instance, when you're 16... So sorry to keep referring to 16 , it's just that my mind is forever at 16. Back then, there was always a second chance, like you felt you could always press the reset button. However, now it's not the same. I wish I could live without any attachment to anything. Let's say if I felt like quitting, I would just quit and do what I wanted to do. That's how I want to live my life. I don't want to do something just to fit in."
//CL; 2NE1 TV S3E10
The road to completion is a long one indeed. And there are so many bumps we could fall over, so many potholes we could fall into. Let's hold on to each other and make our way through. At the end, I hope I'll see you.
It was unexplainable and inexplicable, even to myself. But all it took was a moment and you understood, completely. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. That must be wisdom. It spoke directly to the things on my heart and unknotted something that had been growing for a while. I know that in and of itself, the sentiment was probably not mistaken or imprecise, in fact it may even have been spot on. But it just made me vaguely uncomfortable and upset for some reason. And I know that it was probably not meant to be taken this way, but that's what careless words do and sometimes we ourselves don't even know how powerful they can be. All in all, I will not allow something like that to get me down again. I've come too far and fallen too often for that and it would be starting over from scratch for things to go down this path again.
I will build you up and you will be rebuilt, this is what I hold on to. So for now, I'm done with this conversation.
"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. Therefore, do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
//2 Corinthians 4: 7-9, 16, 18
Today there was a post that went viral on FB within a few hours but eventually was removed. And it provoked a conversation between my sister and I; and I was moved to hear such wise words from her. There will always be a strong reaction. You will either love it or hate it, there is rarely a lukewarm reaction because it was always meant to be this way. The important thing is that You allowed it to happen.
So, today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your heart.
How do you begin to describe the ending of something that consumed your life for six months and turned it completely upside down? How do you begin the process of putting together all the tears, joy, pain, blood and sweat that went into and finally came down to one hundred and ten pages and three hours?
Let me begin with gratitude. To the One who put me there and carried me through; to the coaches and judging panels who gave so much of their weeknights and more; to my teammates who stuck out the hours of no-eating, no-sleeping and endless rewriting with me; to the friends who walked beside me, listened and supported me when the going was at its toughest; to my family who tirelessly put up with all my ups and downs. I am here only because of all of you. So thank you for seeing me through, I am truly grateful.
Then let me start on change. For six months, this has been so much a part of my life, that now I feel a little at a loss as to what to do next. But the amazing thing is I know that I'm not walking away from it empty-handed. I've learnt what it means to trust with all your heart, to push your limits constantly, to dig deep and find strength to carry on. And I know I can never be the same again.
I know that this is the end of something great, and I wished that it didn't have to come so soon. Even so, I'm so glad that I had this opportunity to do something awesome before I graduate from SMU and I know that if I were given a chance, I'd willingly do it all again in a heartbeat.
Blessed are those who find wisdom, those who gain understanding for she is more profitable than silver and yields better returns than fine gold. She is more precious than rubies, and all the things you may desire cannot compare with her.
"But then, life is a constant withering of possibilities. Some are stolen with the lives of people you love. Others are let go, with regret and reluctance and deep, deep sorrow. But there is compensation for lives unlived in the intoxicating joy of knowing that the life you have - right here, right now - if the one you have chosen. There is power in that, and hope."
//Emily Maguire; Taming the Beast
It was just a few years ago that we were in school together, playing together, growing up together. Now we're strewn across continents, collecting friends and partners that we don't know and have never met and making stilted conversations for the first time. And we are beginning to look different, slowly but surely
And standing where I am, about to plunge into the next phase of my life, I think I can see the impact of choices made in your twenties. That these choices will surely shape you and define you and determine the person you become. That one day, you will stand at that point and look back and be able to judge all that you've done in these eight years before you turn thirty. And the prospects I've seen scare me, just a bit. That people who I knew when I was young are making these same choices each and everyday and are now standing at the point near thirty, looking back and I don't know if they can say with conviction that they really like what they see.
And that just drives home the point for me. That I can spend the next part of my life clutching at withered possibilities or I can start making the choices I need to make. Right here, right now.
"There is a point at which everything becomes simple and there is no longer any question of choice, because all you have staked will be lost if you look back. Life’s point of no return."
//Dag Hammarskjöld
It almost feels like waking up from a difficult dream to find that everything was hurled out of place and then re-arranged. Not exactly where you yourself would have placed them if you could have, but arranged in the way that it always should have been. And it's all such a mess of confusion and decisions and excitement and fear, that when you finally get the time to sit down and think about the craziness of it all, I'm just really glad that it's all over. And thankful that at every step of the way, you met me more than halfway.
That you gave me people who stuck it out with me at coffee joints and fastfood places, people who stayed with me into the late nights and early mornings, people who willingly carried me through the sometimes sheer awfulness of it all. I understand that you can't explain everything to everybody, and that sometimes it's enough that those who get it do, but all the same, I know that I've learnt so much through it all. Even now I don't know for sure what lies ahead or how I'm going to make it through the rest of the way, but I know that I will always be safe when you've got my back.
"Love is divine only and difficult always. If you think it is easy you are a fool. If you think it is natural you are blind. It is a learned application without reason or motive except that it is God."
//Toni Morrison; Paradise
I enjoyed the one-and-a-half months that I had the whole bedroom to myself but I love the time we spend together as a family even more, way way more. Here's to jokes, songs and all sorts of quirks that only we will understand.
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."
//John 3:16
thank you for friends, morning to afternoon intimate gatherings, senseless talk, lame-assed jokes, egg tarts made with love, defrosted meatballs from Ikea, tomyam beehoon and pepper sausages.
thank you for family, warmth, love, reminiscing, sharing love and heartache stories, telling the truth, cousins, comfort, carolling, strength to go on, turkey ham, lamb with sauce, orange punch, red wine, homemade log cake (by me!), rowdiness, noise, gifts, the most amazing game of pictionary.
thank you for being with me every step of the way and loving me by giving me the most precious gift of life.
Merry merry Christmas, I hope your Christmas was blessed !
"Romance takes place in the middle distance. Romance is looking in at yourself through a window clouded with dew. Romance means leaving things out; where life grunts and shuffles, romance only sighs." //Margaret Atwood
so because our parents decided that we were not going overseas this year, they decided to bring us on a local day-tour instead. hahaha, ohmy I haven't been on a day-tour in years and years lah, I think the last time was in secondary school when we went to a chinese exhibition about tea? my parents having our breakfast before we get onto the bus and my bus mate for the day, my second sister! I think we were already the oldest kids on the bus lah, everyone else was like in primary school or kindergarten haha.
first stop was tassler's salmon factory and warehouse somewhere in woodlands! the salmon here is really cheap apparently and it's fresh! there's a really strong fish smell the moment you get off the bus and go near the factory.
defrosting, deboning, slicing and breading to make breaded salmon! racks of salmon! it wasn't as much fun as I thought at the salmon factory since their main job is to defrost salmon that was caught overseas. I thought there would be some real life salmon swimming around in a pond for us to see :(
us outside tassler's!
then the next stop was the bird nest's warehouse! unfortunately, we couldn't go into the factory because of H1N1 precautions. but the guy giving the bird's nest presentation was quite interesting haha.
blood's bird nest! the reason that the bird's nest is dark red in colour is because of the swiftlet's diet that causes its saliva to be red. apparently, there's a story that the bird's nest is red because the bird worked so hard to build the nest that it vomitted blood haha!
after lunch, we headed to the organic farm!
they sell edible cactuses at the organic farm market!
mushroooooms!
us inside the mushroom tent! the only thing that wasn't so great about the day tour was that most of the time was spent buying the things they offer at each stop instead of the actual touring of the location can.
last stop was the gardenia bread factory! this was actually the best part of the tour because we got to tour the factory and they gave us loads of free bread at the end! but sadly, we weren't allowed to take any pictures inside the factory. they have a damn cool bread cooler that can cool up to 8,000 loaves of bread at one time! haha, I didn't know day-tours can be so much fun lah!
"Consciousness is a light directed outwards, it lights up the way ahead of us so that we don't stumble. It's like the headlights on the front of a locomotive - turn them inward and you'd crash." //Boris Pasternak; Dr Zhivago
my family on my dad's side is kinda obsessed with having dim sum! we've been having dim sum lunches for 3 weeks straight already, cant keep count of the no. of char siew baos I've had keke. this time, went to fei mao at chinatown point. had lots of dim sum but only managed to take pics of 3 durian balls before everything was eaten up la. apparently, the kimchi here is super nice cos my sisters kept eating kimchi cucumbers instead of proper food.
and the coconut dessert is pretty special cos they have some sort of pudding with ice-cream mixed with the coconut flesh inside. my sister kept trying to entice me to eat but urghh not my kind of sweet haha, I'd rather have thick, warm chocolate brownies!
a good three hours later - the savage aftermath!
and our only male cousin, calebeee! he's darn adorable cos he can speak now but it's super hard to catch him smiling in a photo cos babies move so fast!
and us camwhoring, trying out the 4 snapshot functions thingie on my sister's camera haha. but the quality sucks cos it moves between 4 frames super fast, its damn hard to capture the expressions!
more or less, things have been settled. I think the good thing out of it all is that I learnt that my actions have repercussions on other people, whether I mean it or not. so even now, I regret a little what I've been feeling and the result it's led to. I know that it was fortunate that the small flames were put out before they burned down everything, but in the process of firefighting, people have still been hurt and stressed and now I'm worried about other stuff. love can be hard as sticks and stones sometimes, we just have to ride the rough patch out.
let God provide, I know, I will remind myself of that.
.jpg)
.jpg)
.png)
