this is the first freaking time I was working during the cny and all because our BGS presentation was the next day laa. our BGS prof is a scary woman, okay. at least we didn't go to school, we went to zelanie's really big and lovely house in bukit timah instead. being the first time there, i realised that it's true that the residents of bukit timah are really wealthy. we noticed a red ferrari driving out of a neighbouring house and there was this really cute caucasian family that hired a whole lion dance troupe to celebrate the new year with them!
i know it's the start of the chinese new year and it should be happy. but just about 45mins ago, while i was working on my BGS presentation, surfing F21 for cheap sweaters and watching the mediacorp replay of the taiwan new year countdown (oh the 阿信走音！), i received an sms from him out of the blue.
he's back in canada because of the sudden death of a loved one who was close to him.
i didn't know what to say. everything said seems so empty and flat. how could i possibly begin to understand his pain? but hope is not lost, even in such a situation as this.
"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the Everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the Earth. He will not grow tired or weary and His understanding, no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even young men stumble and fall but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles. They will run and not be weary, they will walk and not be faint. "
-- Isaiah 40:28
i really don't know what happens next. but at least for this, i guess i'll be there for him.
// Hold Heart No Lips, don't make a sound Don't let him hear the break in your voice
It ended the way it started, two people on an eastbound mrt train, getting lost in the small things that we chose to say. His jacket was still warm, still alive, still full of him. It was incredibly dumb to use it as a poncho, it just made things so much harder. We ended up in cityhall starbucks where I was supposed to make my speech. Supposed, because the words held on for dear life inside me and wouldn't let go. But he knew anyway. //Don't trick yourself into thinking the situation is going to change because it's not going to. I'm going to be this busy next week and then all your same doubts and fears will resurface again. That really woke me up.
It's so damn easy to look at other people's relationship and say, oh look at that girl, why does she hang on to something that is so obviously wrong? Because, in truth, it's so easy to delude ourselves. The human heart is so annoyingly gullible, so willing to be lied to. And I nearly fell into that trap, of thinking that maybe it's not so bad, maybe I can handle it. Of forgetting how painful it is to subsist on the scraps of affection. It was excruciating but it had to be done. From within his arms for probably the final time, my heart was twisting awfully, but I could see an expanse of clear, blue sky with birds free-wheeling through the wind. And I knew, one day this pain will pass.
Telling my decision to Laoda weeks before was encouraging. Trash-talking about it the day before when Peiyi was there gave me courage. Hearing RT on the phone, ready to come down to sing K soothed the pain. Seeing Jojo's face at the entrace of the SESS building warmed me but nearly triggered a flood. Shiyi's online hug and KFC treat (yet to come true). Wei Lin calling me all the way from London! (and waiting until 1am to call me but finding that I didn't switch on the phone). Thanks, really really for the phonecalls, the advice, the everything else in between.
Thanks for the rollercoaster you gave me. But the end's not near, it's here.
this is the first freaking time I was working during the cny and all because our BGS presentation was the next day laa. our BGS prof is a scary woman, okay. at least we didn't go to school, we went to zelanie's really big and lovely house in bukit timah instead. being the first time there, i realised that it's true that the residents of bukit timah are really wealthy. we noticed a red ferrari driving out of a neighbouring house and there was this really cute caucasian family that hired a whole lion dance troupe to celebrate the new year with them!
i know it's the start of the chinese new year and it should be happy. but just about 45mins ago, while i was working on my BGS presentation, surfing F21 for cheap sweaters and watching the mediacorp replay of the taiwan new year countdown (oh the 阿信走音！), i received an sms from him out of the blue.
he's back in canada because of the sudden death of a loved one who was close to him.
i didn't know what to say. everything said seems so empty and flat. how could i possibly begin to understand his pain? but hope is not lost, even in such a situation as this.
"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the Everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the Earth. He will not grow tired or weary and His understanding, no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even young men stumble and fall but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles. They will run and not be weary, they will walk and not be faint. "
-- Isaiah 40:28
i really don't know what happens next. but at least for this, i guess i'll be there for him.
// Hold Heart No Lips, don't make a sound Don't let him hear the break in your voice
It ended the way it started, two people on an eastbound mrt train, getting lost in the small things that we chose to say. His jacket was still warm, still alive, still full of him. It was incredibly dumb to use it as a poncho, it just made things so much harder. We ended up in cityhall starbucks where I was supposed to make my speech. Supposed, because the words held on for dear life inside me and wouldn't let go. But he knew anyway. //Don't trick yourself into thinking the situation is going to change because it's not going to. I'm going to be this busy next week and then all your same doubts and fears will resurface again. That really woke me up.
It's so damn easy to look at other people's relationship and say, oh look at that girl, why does she hang on to something that is so obviously wrong? Because, in truth, it's so easy to delude ourselves. The human heart is so annoyingly gullible, so willing to be lied to. And I nearly fell into that trap, of thinking that maybe it's not so bad, maybe I can handle it. Of forgetting how painful it is to subsist on the scraps of affection. It was excruciating but it had to be done. From within his arms for probably the final time, my heart was twisting awfully, but I could see an expanse of clear, blue sky with birds free-wheeling through the wind. And I knew, one day this pain will pass.
Telling my decision to Laoda weeks before was encouraging. Trash-talking about it the day before when Peiyi was there gave me courage. Hearing RT on the phone, ready to come down to sing K soothed the pain. Seeing Jojo's face at the entrace of the SESS building warmed me but nearly triggered a flood. Shiyi's online hug and KFC treat (yet to come true). Wei Lin calling me all the way from London! (and waiting until 1am to call me but finding that I didn't switch on the phone). Thanks, really really for the phonecalls, the advice, the everything else in between.
Thanks for the rollercoaster you gave me. But the end's not near, it's here.
