"You may say to yourself, "My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me. But remember the Lord your God, for it is He who gave you this ability to produce wealth, and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your forefathers, as it is today." //Deuteronomy 9:17-18 I had always known that Ivan existed. He was one of those church guys who had been in church for the longest time; gone through Superlife (kids), Megalife (youth), Highlife (young adult) and emerged unscathed, more faithful than ever haha. His dad served with my dad on the elders' board. He and his Quah siblings were considered high-profile in church. In short, the kind of church guy whom I never would've hung out much with. Plus, he's two years younger than I am. So in the normal course of things, our paths would never have crossed. But my God is not a God of the ordinary or normalcy. When He wants to get things going, He really does it in an extraordinary and most remarkable way. At that time, I had been out of ministry for about a year. For some reason, I couldn't get into a ministry without it closing down. Regardless of what ministry I joined, SMU cell ministry, Onelife core team, RCS tuition, things just couldn't get going. So I figured God just wanted me to take a break. Until one day, Nick and Esther came to cell group and started sharing about the amazing work that they were doing with young people in Highlife, about how passionate and talented these young people were and how much potential they had waiting to be developed. But the catch was they needed more adult leaders in Highlife as there was a serious shortage of leaders, especially for some cells which only had 1 leader to 20++ members. I wasn't keen on serving again (since I didn't want any cells closing down due to my inclusion) but my friend was keen on serving. So Nick and Esther decided to organise a get together over breakfast for my friend and asked me along. Little did I know that was their way of sneakily recruiting me to be a leader. And before I knew it, I was asked if I was willing to co-lead a Highlife cell with Ivan. To be honest, I prayed about it and had some doubts. My main (very human) doubt was, oh gosh I was already what 26 at that time and I was fresh from being out of a relationship. If I started leading a cell, where would I get the time to go out there and date?! But God told me serve for 4 years until you're 30, and at that time, if you want to move on, you'd be able to leave with pride, having given your best years to the cell. God really has a way with words. So I said yes to leading the cell with Ivan. And that was the very first step of our journey together :)
"The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail." //Isaiah 58:11 It's been 3 years since I last blogged here. And in those 3 years, so many things have happened. To cut a very long and amazing story short, I got engaged in March last year and I got married in January this year to Ivan, who has been the most wonderful person to me. The story of how we met, got together and got married is really a story of God's promises fulfilled, a testimony to God's eternal faithfulness and lovingkindness towards me, even when I was faithless. One day, I will sit down and document our entire journey. For now, it only remains for me to say praise the Lord God Almighty, who was and is to come. He is my Jehovah Jireh, God my Provider. His love never fails.
Today was the first time in a long while that I've been back to changi village. We drove past the same roads, walked through the same places, saw past the same scenery; and the things that come back to me waver between the happy times that we've had here and the last memory that I had of this place. Everything seems familiar yet far away. And I wonder, how long more Lord, how long more before you turn my weeping into joy? How long more before the memories stay still and turn into dust? And then you say three times to me, you will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are stayed on you because they trust in you. Trusting in you means staying committed to you, leaning on you and hoping confidently in you. And I say, if this is your will, then let the ruins come to life in the beauty of your name and let my soul find refuge in you. So, be still my soul and wait upon the Lord.
It has been so long since I came back to you that I had nearly forgotten what it felt like to be writing to you. So many things have happened since I was last here that I wonder where I should start. So many times, I came and wondered what I should say to you and the words failed me. Because the emotions were so raw and the words so inadequate to express the depth of what I was feeling, that many times I left because the words would not have been truthful reflections of everything that I was going through. The struggles and the pain of the valley, the looking to and hoping for springtime and the transitions into a new season of walking with God. Each and every experience has been so precious, has brought me ever closer into the embrace of my God, that I know with certainty, that all things in my life have happened only to bring me into deeper intimacy with this everlasting Father. If Jacob struggled with God and became Israel, then after I have struggled with God, have I changed? I certainly hope so. And people have told me so. If my faith had been a faith that rejoiced in God when he answered my prayers, I hope it is now a faith that clings to the Cross even when God has taken away something from me that has served its purpose for this season. And if I had an empathy that was shallow and judging towards other who struggled, I hope I now have a depth of empathy and love for those who struggle in the same and different ways that I do. In everything that happened from then till now, would I want to have things happen differently? Sometimes, I do. In my times of weakness, I wish with all my heart that things had turned out differently. But then I wonder about the words that have been spoken to me during the Jakarta mission trip and I think, if God wants me to go through this transition to become gold, then do your work Lord and draw me closer to you. What else have I on earth but you? And there should be nothing I desire on this earth but you. Each and every day, teach me this truth until I have come forth as gold in your sight.
"We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him; throwing away all defensive armour. If our hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as the way in which they should break, so be it." //C.S. Lewis; The Four Loves For the past few months, I think waking up was one of the hardest things to do. It was like a sudden jolt to the heart and soul, then the ache would set in and the overwhelming sense of loss and loneliness. Then a thought, how do I go on from here. But you hold the pieces of my heart in your hands. And today, when I woke up, I suddenly felt just a sense of great peace and stillness. Like it would all be okay, I will carry on. And my heart can let go of what it doesn't need in this season and still be complete. Then I thought of you and how you might be doing. And again my defence mechanism rears up without thinking. I focus on the lines drawn, the decisions made, the choice to move on with someone else instead. And always, the reality that as I am hurting, something new has started and will continue between you and someone else. And suddenly, I felt the beginning of release. To be able to say with truthfulness, that I wish you well. In this job that you've always wanted, the studies you've wanted to pursue and this new relationship you have with her. May whatever you go into be more than whatever we've left behind. That your struggle with God will bring forth gold. And then I think, if you have gone on to something new, where does that leave me? I don't think I know yet. But my hand is in his. Lead me to the cross.
in the midst of the CNY visiting and feasting and sharing, you gave me a verse which resonated with me. love the Lord your God with all of your heart, with all of your soul, with all of your strength and with all of your mind. and I was so touched when SS confirmed it by talking about this verse while sharing with me her own journey through heartache and waiting. and I see again your hand in my pain, taking me through the moulding as you are making me more like you.
today HT and I had an hour of spontaneous guitar worship singing the old songs which we remember from so long ago. and in the middle of it, I suddenly remembered the times when you would play your guitar and I would sing along. such precious times, which you later tried to initiate but which I chose to gave up for other things. place this upon my heart Lord, this wonderful closeness with you in spirit. and remind me of it always, in the future, when my heart gets distracted. that drawing close to you was always the main purpose.
"Arise, cry out in the night, as the watches of the night begin; Pour out your heart like water in the presence of the Lord." //Lamentations 2:19 I remember my entire journey with you. From the time of camp d'vine, to joining the new cell group, to the time of waiting and praying, the first meet-up in clarke quay and the long walk to the dessert place, the christmas eve dinner and talk, the three months of seeking and drawing near, the question at ecp and the twenty-one months after. I believe you were with me, every single step of the way. watching and waiting, desiring always for us to realise that we needed to once again draw close to you and make you our centre. and now, I see that you guided us to walk onto separate paths. the new job, the busyness, the times at your place after church, the intense HTHT at ecp, my single-minded stubbornness, the timelines, the disagreements, your decisions, the closure meeting. through it all, I still hold onto the truth that in all things, you work together for the good of those who love you, who have been called according to your purpose. and I do not give up, I do not give in. at the end of it all, I come to you and say that I still believe. believe that I heard you clearly, that you heard my prayers and you came through for me. believe that you have caused things to fall apart because this is part of your plan for us. and even though, my heart hurts and my faith is shaken, I know that you are calling me to come to you again. not to live in fear, but to be bold to ask to hear from you again. for this will be my real victory, that I am not afraid to do your will, even if it means falling down and losing parts of my heart. for what you intend for me, no human hand can ever take it away. and what you do not intend for me, no human hand will ever be able to hold onto it. so let your joy be my strength, be the medicine which heals this broken heart. as a wood-carver chips away at the wood which cannot be used, let my heart be a vessel in your hands and your testing the chipping away of the parts of my heart which do not belong to you. for you see me at the end of my journey. and I trust you are making something beautiful out of me, especially in the fire and the valleys. through it all; love, I still believe in you.
"Jesus draw me ever nearer, As I labour through the storm. You have called me to this passage, and I'll follow, though I'm worn. May this journey bring a blessing, May I rise on wings of faith; And at the end of my heart's testing, With your likeness let me wake. Jesus guide me through the tempest; Keep my spirit staid and sure. And when the midnight meets the morning Let me love You even more. And my this journey bring a blessing, May I rise on wings of faith; And at the end of my heart's testing, With your likeness let me wake. And let the treasures of the trial Form within me as I go - And at the end of this long passage, Let me leave them at your throne." //Keith & Kristyn Getty; Jesus Draw Me Ever Nearer
"As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, my God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God? My tears have been my food day and night, while people say to me all day long, "Where is your God?" These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go to the house of God under the protection of the Mighty One with shouts of joy and praise among the festive throng. Why my soul are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Saviour and my God." //Psalm 42:1-5 Even when you bring me to a valley, I know that you are unfailingly good. For it is in the valley that I grow, that my character is forged and where I have no choice but to hold onto you for I can turn to no one else. So even when I cannot trace your hand, I trust your heart - that your plan is always to prosper us, to give us hope and a future. So where there are dry bones in this valley, I will speak to them as you have commanded me to. I will say to them, dry bones hear the word of the Lord, for this is what the Sovereign Lord says to you, I will make breath enter you and you will come to life. I will attach tendons to you and make flesh come upon you and cover you with skin; I will put breath into you and you will come to life. And I will look to you and wait upon you and look to no one else. For you see all that happens, you consider my grief and take in it hand and you are my unfailing hope. So even in the valley, I hold steadfast to the Rock of my Salvation and I look up and my soul waits, waits for the morning to break. For my tears may last through the night, but joy comes in the morning.
the journey - #1
"You may say to yourself, "My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me. But remember the Lord your God, for it is He who gave you this ability to produce wealth, and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your forefathers, as it is today." //Deuteronomy 9:17-18 I had always known that Ivan existed. He was one of those church guys who had been in church for the longest time; gone through Superlife (kids), Megalife (youth), Highlife (young adult) and emerged unscathed, more faithful than ever haha. His dad served with my dad on the elders' board. He and his Quah siblings were considered high-profile in church. In short, the kind of church guy whom I never would've hung out much with. Plus, he's two years younger than I am. So in the normal course of things, our paths would never have crossed. But my God is not a God of the ordinary or normalcy. When He wants to get things going, He really does it in an extraordinary and most remarkable way. At that time, I had been out of ministry for about a year. For some reason, I couldn't get into a ministry without it closing down. Regardless of what ministry I joined, SMU cell ministry, Onelife core team, RCS tuition, things just couldn't get going. So I figured God just wanted me to take a break. Until one day, Nick and Esther came to cell group and started sharing about the amazing work that they were doing with young people in Highlife, about how passionate and talented these young people were and how much potential they had waiting to be developed. But the catch was they needed more adult leaders in Highlife as there was a serious shortage of leaders, especially for some cells which only had 1 leader to 20++ members. I wasn't keen on serving again (since I didn't want any cells closing down due to my inclusion) but my friend was keen on serving. So Nick and Esther decided to organise a get together over breakfast for my friend and asked me along. Little did I know that was their way of sneakily recruiting me to be a leader. And before I knew it, I was asked if I was willing to co-lead a Highlife cell with Ivan. To be honest, I prayed about it and had some doubts. My main (very human) doubt was, oh gosh I was already what 26 at that time and I was fresh from being out of a relationship. If I started leading a cell, where would I get the time to go out there and date?! But God told me serve for 4 years until you're 30, and at that time, if you want to move on, you'd be able to leave with pride, having given your best years to the cell. God really has a way with words. So I said yes to leading the cell with Ivan. And that was the very first step of our journey together :)
"The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail." //Isaiah 58:11 It's been 3 years since I last blogged here. And in those 3 years, so many things have happened. To cut a very long and amazing story short, I got engaged in March last year and I got married in January this year to Ivan, who has been the most wonderful person to me. The story of how we met, got together and got married is really a story of God's promises fulfilled, a testimony to God's eternal faithfulness and lovingkindness towards me, even when I was faithless. One day, I will sit down and document our entire journey. For now, it only remains for me to say praise the Lord God Almighty, who was and is to come. He is my Jehovah Jireh, God my Provider. His love never fails.
Today was the first time in a long while that I've been back to changi village. We drove past the same roads, walked through the same places, saw past the same scenery; and the things that come back to me waver between the happy times that we've had here and the last memory that I had of this place. Everything seems familiar yet far away. And I wonder, how long more Lord, how long more before you turn my weeping into joy? How long more before the memories stay still and turn into dust? And then you say three times to me, you will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are stayed on you because they trust in you. Trusting in you means staying committed to you, leaning on you and hoping confidently in you. And I say, if this is your will, then let the ruins come to life in the beauty of your name and let my soul find refuge in you. So, be still my soul and wait upon the Lord.
It has been so long since I came back to you that I had nearly forgotten what it felt like to be writing to you. So many things have happened since I was last here that I wonder where I should start. So many times, I came and wondered what I should say to you and the words failed me. Because the emotions were so raw and the words so inadequate to express the depth of what I was feeling, that many times I left because the words would not have been truthful reflections of everything that I was going through. The struggles and the pain of the valley, the looking to and hoping for springtime and the transitions into a new season of walking with God. Each and every experience has been so precious, has brought me ever closer into the embrace of my God, that I know with certainty, that all things in my life have happened only to bring me into deeper intimacy with this everlasting Father. If Jacob struggled with God and became Israel, then after I have struggled with God, have I changed? I certainly hope so. And people have told me so. If my faith had been a faith that rejoiced in God when he answered my prayers, I hope it is now a faith that clings to the Cross even when God has taken away something from me that has served its purpose for this season. And if I had an empathy that was shallow and judging towards other who struggled, I hope I now have a depth of empathy and love for those who struggle in the same and different ways that I do. In everything that happened from then till now, would I want to have things happen differently? Sometimes, I do. In my times of weakness, I wish with all my heart that things had turned out differently. But then I wonder about the words that have been spoken to me during the Jakarta mission trip and I think, if God wants me to go through this transition to become gold, then do your work Lord and draw me closer to you. What else have I on earth but you? And there should be nothing I desire on this earth but you. Each and every day, teach me this truth until I have come forth as gold in your sight.
"We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him; throwing away all defensive armour. If our hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as the way in which they should break, so be it." //C.S. Lewis; The Four Loves For the past few months, I think waking up was one of the hardest things to do. It was like a sudden jolt to the heart and soul, then the ache would set in and the overwhelming sense of loss and loneliness. Then a thought, how do I go on from here. But you hold the pieces of my heart in your hands. And today, when I woke up, I suddenly felt just a sense of great peace and stillness. Like it would all be okay, I will carry on. And my heart can let go of what it doesn't need in this season and still be complete. Then I thought of you and how you might be doing. And again my defence mechanism rears up without thinking. I focus on the lines drawn, the decisions made, the choice to move on with someone else instead. And always, the reality that as I am hurting, something new has started and will continue between you and someone else. And suddenly, I felt the beginning of release. To be able to say with truthfulness, that I wish you well. In this job that you've always wanted, the studies you've wanted to pursue and this new relationship you have with her. May whatever you go into be more than whatever we've left behind. That your struggle with God will bring forth gold. And then I think, if you have gone on to something new, where does that leave me? I don't think I know yet. But my hand is in his. Lead me to the cross.
in the midst of the CNY visiting and feasting and sharing, you gave me a verse which resonated with me. love the Lord your God with all of your heart, with all of your soul, with all of your strength and with all of your mind. and I was so touched when SS confirmed it by talking about this verse while sharing with me her own journey through heartache and waiting. and I see again your hand in my pain, taking me through the moulding as you are making me more like you.
today HT and I had an hour of spontaneous guitar worship singing the old songs which we remember from so long ago. and in the middle of it, I suddenly remembered the times when you would play your guitar and I would sing along. such precious times, which you later tried to initiate but which I chose to gave up for other things. place this upon my heart Lord, this wonderful closeness with you in spirit. and remind me of it always, in the future, when my heart gets distracted. that drawing close to you was always the main purpose.
"Arise, cry out in the night, as the watches of the night begin; Pour out your heart like water in the presence of the Lord." //Lamentations 2:19 I remember my entire journey with you. From the time of camp d'vine, to joining the new cell group, to the time of waiting and praying, the first meet-up in clarke quay and the long walk to the dessert place, the christmas eve dinner and talk, the three months of seeking and drawing near, the question at ecp and the twenty-one months after. I believe you were with me, every single step of the way. watching and waiting, desiring always for us to realise that we needed to once again draw close to you and make you our centre. and now, I see that you guided us to walk onto separate paths. the new job, the busyness, the times at your place after church, the intense HTHT at ecp, my single-minded stubbornness, the timelines, the disagreements, your decisions, the closure meeting. through it all, I still hold onto the truth that in all things, you work together for the good of those who love you, who have been called according to your purpose. and I do not give up, I do not give in. at the end of it all, I come to you and say that I still believe. believe that I heard you clearly, that you heard my prayers and you came through for me. believe that you have caused things to fall apart because this is part of your plan for us. and even though, my heart hurts and my faith is shaken, I know that you are calling me to come to you again. not to live in fear, but to be bold to ask to hear from you again. for this will be my real victory, that I am not afraid to do your will, even if it means falling down and losing parts of my heart. for what you intend for me, no human hand can ever take it away. and what you do not intend for me, no human hand will ever be able to hold onto it. so let your joy be my strength, be the medicine which heals this broken heart. as a wood-carver chips away at the wood which cannot be used, let my heart be a vessel in your hands and your testing the chipping away of the parts of my heart which do not belong to you. for you see me at the end of my journey. and I trust you are making something beautiful out of me, especially in the fire and the valleys. through it all; love, I still believe in you.
"Jesus draw me ever nearer, As I labour through the storm. You have called me to this passage, and I'll follow, though I'm worn. May this journey bring a blessing, May I rise on wings of faith; And at the end of my heart's testing, With your likeness let me wake. Jesus guide me through the tempest; Keep my spirit staid and sure. And when the midnight meets the morning Let me love You even more. And my this journey bring a blessing, May I rise on wings of faith; And at the end of my heart's testing, With your likeness let me wake. And let the treasures of the trial Form within me as I go - And at the end of this long passage, Let me leave them at your throne." //Keith & Kristyn Getty; Jesus Draw Me Ever Nearer
"As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, my God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God? My tears have been my food day and night, while people say to me all day long, "Where is your God?" These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go to the house of God under the protection of the Mighty One with shouts of joy and praise among the festive throng. Why my soul are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Saviour and my God." //Psalm 42:1-5 Even when you bring me to a valley, I know that you are unfailingly good. For it is in the valley that I grow, that my character is forged and where I have no choice but to hold onto you for I can turn to no one else. So even when I cannot trace your hand, I trust your heart - that your plan is always to prosper us, to give us hope and a future. So where there are dry bones in this valley, I will speak to them as you have commanded me to. I will say to them, dry bones hear the word of the Lord, for this is what the Sovereign Lord says to you, I will make breath enter you and you will come to life. I will attach tendons to you and make flesh come upon you and cover you with skin; I will put breath into you and you will come to life. And I will look to you and wait upon you and look to no one else. For you see all that happens, you consider my grief and take in it hand and you are my unfailing hope. So even in the valley, I hold steadfast to the Rock of my Salvation and I look up and my soul waits, waits for the morning to break. For my tears may last through the night, but joy comes in the morning.
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